A few days ago, Lee and I began our thirty-second year of marriage. It wasn't the most amazing day in history, nor did we do much special. However, the day was special as is every day of our lives. It was, in fact, a day of great beauty; the calmness of the atmosphere, the warmth of the day and enough to do to keep us busy and happy. For Lee and I, that is more than we need. Those days are to be cherished.
It is so nice for me to be married to Lee.
We had an hourglass timer in our house when I was a kid. It had a wooden top and bottom and white sand inside. My guess is that it was a three or five minute timer. When sitting at the table, I would turn it over and watch the grains fall. When it finished I would do it again. This was one of the few things that I didn't take apart or that didn't make noise, so my mom let me continue to mess with it. One of the things that interested me about this little timer was that it had three black grains in it. I don't know what they were but they were of a different weight and mass than the white grains so that each time I turned it over they were likely to be at the top. I would watch them get lost in the grains and then try to see them come through the tight spot and fall into place in the bottom section. The black ones helped give a sense of movement and time. They were special. They moved slower and were odd shaped compared to the white ones. Probably, some bits of the inside that broke off or fell in at the factory. With each use, they got smoother and smoother as they were required to travel down the tight shoot of the hourglass.
Our lives are not unlike those little bits of black. As Christians, we are in a pile of sand, just a few weird flakes. As we rub against the world, we find ourselves being smoothed by the friction and the trials of life. I think I am about as smooth as I can get and simply getting smaller, but as I get smaller, God becomes bigger.
Last week our lives have made a significant turn. We are now in the tight spot. Previous surgeries and the ravages of cancer have caused my digestive system to fail. I am presently at home living on I.V. food waiting for surgery to correct the problem. My blood platelet count is low and the surgeon wants it to rise before he cuts on me. I certainly agree.
Lee and I have spent many hours with the surgeon for this procedure and we are at peace in our spirit. Please pray for the surgeons as they deal with several systems of the body in an attempt to extend my life. Please pray for me, that my strength would rise on this piped in food and that I would be strong for surgery. Please pray for Lee, as this is most taxing on him. He is taking very good care of me and that just adds to his load. As he tries to work around the house, little things confound his schedule greatly because my schedule demands so much of him. Finally, know that I am in God's hands. It is all right with Lee and me if God chooses to take me this time. Just pray for God's will to be done. We do.
Love Marj.
Showing posts with label Letters for 2010. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letters for 2010. Show all posts
Mirror, Mirror - April 11, 2010
To my friends:
"Mirror, mirror on the wall…" You know the rest of it. The queen's mirror told her what she wanted to know until it realized that the truth was more important. The queen did not want to hear the truth and thus the fairy tale of Snow White. It's not easy to hear the truth at times and yet as Christians we are to have mirrors in our lives that tell us the truth. It's called accountability. That's the main reason that the church desires that members get into small groups and serve with others so that there is someone who sees what is going on and has the courage to tell the truth in love. If that does not happen, either because the group does not take up the call or the person does not listen, God may put us in isolation.
As I read the story of David, I see a deepening isolation from all that he had so that God could make the man he wanted David to become. David became an enemy in Saul's eyes and lost his political power. He was forced to leave his best friend, Jonathan and then leave his home and his wife. Eventually, he even had to leave Israel. It was several years before he returned to be king. Many of his greatest psalms were written during this time.
God had put David in isolation to remove all the distractions that might hinder him as king. Some of the things that he had to lose were pride and idol worship. Remember that his wife pretended he was in bed by putting one of the household idols there in his place. Therefore, we know that God had some work to do with the shepherd king before he could rule.
I would not think that this is an Old Testament tactic only or that God has changed. Lately, I have seen more isolation than usual. A friend of mine was placed in isolation when his child got sick and he had to spend two weeks at the hospital. Out of touch from the world except to go home, shower, and eat. No doubt, God used that time to move him to a different place. I don't know why or where, but because he is a man of God, I am sure that the time moved him to a godlier place.
A very successful preacher, that I truly respect and consider amazingly humble, recently asked for an eight-month leave of absence to deal with the sin of pride in his life. He credits his wife as an accurate mirror and guidance from the Holy Spirit to bring him to take this time. If I were near him, would I have seen it? Probably not. I didn't see it in his preaching, but I am not God nor am I his mirror. He has said many times that his wife is his mirror and she has always been truthful. He was smart enough to put himself in isolation before God did. It would have been very easy for him to continue in sin for five more years until he reached retirement. Then he and his wife could quietly and privately deal with whatever problem he saw in his life. That would be the low road and would prove to taint his teaching. It may also be that God would not allow it and the man would fall. God would create the isolation for him.
A couple close to me has been held stagnate in their ministry for a while. They are very devoted and want to move on, but have been stopped. Are they in isolation because they are depending on something specific to happen before their ministry can come to life? I don't know, but it certainly needs to be explored by them.
Lee and I have been put into a kind of isolation. For some it may be hard to see, but to us it is clear. I am in the midst of a four to five week radiation therapy. The regimen requires that we be at the City of Hope, in Duarte every weekday. We could commute each day, which would take from five to six hours daily, or we could stay at the village on the City of Hope campus. We have chosen to stay there. That means we are separated from friends, bible study, serving, house chores, projects and just the comforts of home. So, what is this isolation about? What is God trying to get across to us?
Another part of this seems more compelling now. That is a loss of control. During the first full week, the plan was to see the radiation team Monday and the oncology team on Wednesday. Radiation would continue daily through the week. All that changed on Wednesday, after a blood draw, it was decided to stop radiation and begin hydration. On Friday, after a blood draw, it was decided to stop hydration and give me two transfusions, one of platelets and one of two units of blood. I use the term, it was decided because we just showed up, did the blood draw and people told us what to do. We had nothing to do with the decisions. We could have said no, but that doesn't make sense when those who are making the decisions have your best interest in mind. Therefore, a week that was supposed to have five radiation treatments and a lot of free time immediately turned to hours in the clinics, many blood draws, and no real movement toward finishing the radiation routine. We had no control.
So is the isolation about letting go of what we call home and seeing it in a different light, perhaps as a refuge, or is it about control? I don't know. Maybe it's something else. Lee and I have talked a lot these last few weeks about the reason for the radiation, it’s a danger, but the fact is, we don't really have much choice. The cancer grew rapidly without chemotherapy. To live much longer there has to be an aggressive move on our part to get control again. Was the last week a way of showing us how aggressive that move is? Are there strongholds, or idols, that we must let go of before we can gracefully move to where God wants us? Does getting control of the disease mean losing control of our choices?
So many questions and so few answers. There is more isolation. With last week going the way it did there are still four weeks at City of Hope. That assumes that we will do what we are supposing we will do. It may be longer.
To me, isolation reminds me of "time out." When a child is not doing what should be done, a parent or teacher may put them in "time out." If it is done properly, the child is told why they are being put there, what to think about and then some dialogue after the "time out." Done well, it can be an effective tool for most children. Done improperly, a child is sent to "time out" then returned to normal activity with no input. The child can decide the reasons without parental input. Parents might be surprised what a child thinks is the problem.
We are not that different. If God puts us in isolation with no clue as to why, we might come out of it with very little of His agenda completed. In a way, God does do that. He doesn't sit us down, explain the problem, and ask us to meditate then talk it out later. What He does do however, is give us mirrors. We must be sensitive to the mirrors and not break them when they tell the truth.
God's word is the best mirror, but to use it we need to look at it. Not just a glance here or there, but really scrutinize the image we see in comparison to God's word.
Each of us should have people around us who are honest about who we are. Husbands and wives seem likely, but are sometimes not honest. A close friend or ministry leader may be more valuable.
Then there are the faces of the people with which we deal. As this isolation at the City of Hope began, a problem in communication became apparent. Lee, my husband, put on his police officer persona and went to get it straightened out. Once we were talking to the right person, it was clear that fear and tension was her response to Lee's directness. So at that point, we stopped all professional talk, let the nurse know that we were not angry, and did not blame her. We may have been direct, but now that someone was helping us, we were not an enemy, though at that moment we might have been a poor witness. Her countenance changed and she tried very hard to help us. It is not the goal of a Christian to make others fear you, but when you are fighting for control, it may happen. Maybe fighting for control is an idol God is trying to rip out of our hands.
At this point, there can be so many things. Attachments to things here, fear, control, lack of trust. We don't know exactly why we are in isolation, but we are sure that as we continue to stay close to each other, God's word and prayer, God will let the mirror tell us what He wants us to know.
Please pray for us these next few weeks. This is not easy and it makes it difficult to minister to others. We love you all and need to stay in touch with you. Please write.
With all my love:
Marj.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall…" You know the rest of it. The queen's mirror told her what she wanted to know until it realized that the truth was more important. The queen did not want to hear the truth and thus the fairy tale of Snow White. It's not easy to hear the truth at times and yet as Christians we are to have mirrors in our lives that tell us the truth. It's called accountability. That's the main reason that the church desires that members get into small groups and serve with others so that there is someone who sees what is going on and has the courage to tell the truth in love. If that does not happen, either because the group does not take up the call or the person does not listen, God may put us in isolation.
As I read the story of David, I see a deepening isolation from all that he had so that God could make the man he wanted David to become. David became an enemy in Saul's eyes and lost his political power. He was forced to leave his best friend, Jonathan and then leave his home and his wife. Eventually, he even had to leave Israel. It was several years before he returned to be king. Many of his greatest psalms were written during this time.
God had put David in isolation to remove all the distractions that might hinder him as king. Some of the things that he had to lose were pride and idol worship. Remember that his wife pretended he was in bed by putting one of the household idols there in his place. Therefore, we know that God had some work to do with the shepherd king before he could rule.
I would not think that this is an Old Testament tactic only or that God has changed. Lately, I have seen more isolation than usual. A friend of mine was placed in isolation when his child got sick and he had to spend two weeks at the hospital. Out of touch from the world except to go home, shower, and eat. No doubt, God used that time to move him to a different place. I don't know why or where, but because he is a man of God, I am sure that the time moved him to a godlier place.
A very successful preacher, that I truly respect and consider amazingly humble, recently asked for an eight-month leave of absence to deal with the sin of pride in his life. He credits his wife as an accurate mirror and guidance from the Holy Spirit to bring him to take this time. If I were near him, would I have seen it? Probably not. I didn't see it in his preaching, but I am not God nor am I his mirror. He has said many times that his wife is his mirror and she has always been truthful. He was smart enough to put himself in isolation before God did. It would have been very easy for him to continue in sin for five more years until he reached retirement. Then he and his wife could quietly and privately deal with whatever problem he saw in his life. That would be the low road and would prove to taint his teaching. It may also be that God would not allow it and the man would fall. God would create the isolation for him.
A couple close to me has been held stagnate in their ministry for a while. They are very devoted and want to move on, but have been stopped. Are they in isolation because they are depending on something specific to happen before their ministry can come to life? I don't know, but it certainly needs to be explored by them.
Lee and I have been put into a kind of isolation. For some it may be hard to see, but to us it is clear. I am in the midst of a four to five week radiation therapy. The regimen requires that we be at the City of Hope, in Duarte every weekday. We could commute each day, which would take from five to six hours daily, or we could stay at the village on the City of Hope campus. We have chosen to stay there. That means we are separated from friends, bible study, serving, house chores, projects and just the comforts of home. So, what is this isolation about? What is God trying to get across to us?
Another part of this seems more compelling now. That is a loss of control. During the first full week, the plan was to see the radiation team Monday and the oncology team on Wednesday. Radiation would continue daily through the week. All that changed on Wednesday, after a blood draw, it was decided to stop radiation and begin hydration. On Friday, after a blood draw, it was decided to stop hydration and give me two transfusions, one of platelets and one of two units of blood. I use the term, it was decided because we just showed up, did the blood draw and people told us what to do. We had nothing to do with the decisions. We could have said no, but that doesn't make sense when those who are making the decisions have your best interest in mind. Therefore, a week that was supposed to have five radiation treatments and a lot of free time immediately turned to hours in the clinics, many blood draws, and no real movement toward finishing the radiation routine. We had no control.
So is the isolation about letting go of what we call home and seeing it in a different light, perhaps as a refuge, or is it about control? I don't know. Maybe it's something else. Lee and I have talked a lot these last few weeks about the reason for the radiation, it’s a danger, but the fact is, we don't really have much choice. The cancer grew rapidly without chemotherapy. To live much longer there has to be an aggressive move on our part to get control again. Was the last week a way of showing us how aggressive that move is? Are there strongholds, or idols, that we must let go of before we can gracefully move to where God wants us? Does getting control of the disease mean losing control of our choices?
So many questions and so few answers. There is more isolation. With last week going the way it did there are still four weeks at City of Hope. That assumes that we will do what we are supposing we will do. It may be longer.
To me, isolation reminds me of "time out." When a child is not doing what should be done, a parent or teacher may put them in "time out." If it is done properly, the child is told why they are being put there, what to think about and then some dialogue after the "time out." Done well, it can be an effective tool for most children. Done improperly, a child is sent to "time out" then returned to normal activity with no input. The child can decide the reasons without parental input. Parents might be surprised what a child thinks is the problem.
We are not that different. If God puts us in isolation with no clue as to why, we might come out of it with very little of His agenda completed. In a way, God does do that. He doesn't sit us down, explain the problem, and ask us to meditate then talk it out later. What He does do however, is give us mirrors. We must be sensitive to the mirrors and not break them when they tell the truth.
God's word is the best mirror, but to use it we need to look at it. Not just a glance here or there, but really scrutinize the image we see in comparison to God's word.
Each of us should have people around us who are honest about who we are. Husbands and wives seem likely, but are sometimes not honest. A close friend or ministry leader may be more valuable.
Then there are the faces of the people with which we deal. As this isolation at the City of Hope began, a problem in communication became apparent. Lee, my husband, put on his police officer persona and went to get it straightened out. Once we were talking to the right person, it was clear that fear and tension was her response to Lee's directness. So at that point, we stopped all professional talk, let the nurse know that we were not angry, and did not blame her. We may have been direct, but now that someone was helping us, we were not an enemy, though at that moment we might have been a poor witness. Her countenance changed and she tried very hard to help us. It is not the goal of a Christian to make others fear you, but when you are fighting for control, it may happen. Maybe fighting for control is an idol God is trying to rip out of our hands.
At this point, there can be so many things. Attachments to things here, fear, control, lack of trust. We don't know exactly why we are in isolation, but we are sure that as we continue to stay close to each other, God's word and prayer, God will let the mirror tell us what He wants us to know.
Please pray for us these next few weeks. This is not easy and it makes it difficult to minister to others. We love you all and need to stay in touch with you. Please write.
With all my love:
Marj.
Principal Principle - March 21, 2010
To my dear friends:
There is in all things a variety of perspectives. Each of us interprets an event, object, or action by our own way of thinking and often has great difficulty seeing it in any other way. When I was of elementary age, we lived across the street from an elementary school. Our family had as many as four kids in that school at any one time and our neighbors to the left had at least as many. Behind us were a few more and so on. Our yards were measured in acres so a blocks worth of kids was for us, an entire community. There was little money for store-bought toys, but the parents saw to it that we each had a pair of clip on skates. This made the elementary school an ideal place to skate with sidewalks and asphalt. The school was built in a circle so we had an oval sidewalk track with grass in the center. We would go there and play "Roller Derby" as often as possible.
One day, some educator decided that fencing was necessary around schools. We thought our fun was over, but the principal of the school knew us and chose to have the front gates of iron raised to eighteen inches above the ground. "Roller Derby" continued.
Our parents liked it because they knew where to find us and injuries were minor; cuts, bruises, and concussions. We loved it because there were no adults. Arguments were settled kid's ways. When you were tired, you could fall on the grass in the middle of the circle and soak up the sweet smell of it. The Principal liked it because she had control over us. If we got out of line or there were too many marks on the walls or doors from our skates, she knew she could talk to ma and it would be tempered. It also created a great respect between the Principal and me. She taught me diplomacy.
I was a lousy student and more trouble than any principal needed. I got in fights, designed chaos and then sat back to watch it happen. She knew I was responsible for more trouble on campus than she could pin on me. She also knew that I stole food because I was hungry and didn't wear shoes because I only had one pair and I needed to save them for sports. She knew my strengths and my weaknesses. We were friends who greatly respected each other's power.
She would tell me when the "Roller Derby" was out of control, as you would tell an adult. She would explain how others saw it. I was given the right to control our activity. Though not the oldest in the group, I was the leader. She called me into her office one day and told me, in tears, that she was moving to another school. I saw the action as friendship. The whole school would know in two more days.
That summer we also moved and I finished the sixth grade at her "new" school. We stood side by side and cried when a jet fighter crashed at the Junior High School next door to our school. Ten kids were killed; we both knew we would know them. I think this principal saw the adult in me long before anyone else and respected it even when the kid was blatantly childlike.
The new school could not have roller derby, it was built wrong, and the gates were low and locked. We had sidewalks and streets and the clip on skates had been nailed to boards to become a new kind of toy. That season was over and the woman that treated me with kindness, respect, and fairness had shaped my future.
We go through seasons to prepare us for something. That season was to prepare me, thirty years later, to be a dean of students at a middle school for ten years. I hope that the kids I dealt with there, walked away with the same sense of value and fairness that I felt from this woman.
My cancer is now moving into a new season also. For the majority of April I will receive radiation treatments at the City of Hope. We will live in the village, on City of Hope's campus, from Monday through Friday. Weekends will be spent at home pulling things back together and getting ready to repeat the experience the next week. It will be both a quiet time and a busy time. When we are at the village, there is little to do and then when we are home there is too much to do. The unknown is how I will respond to the radiation and how easily I will be able to communicate with work. Somehow, I will work out a system. We always go with an understanding that we just need to let the details fall into place and not get too pushy about what we want.
I wonder what God is trying to teach us. There is always something and I am excited about that. I also know that there is some fear also for even my dreams reflect a lack of control. Not in what God will do because, whatever He does will be for my benefit, but it may not be easy for me. My fear comes more from my inability to handle being handled. This is not always an easy life. Occasionally you want to kick up your heels and say NO! That truly makes no sense, these people are working like crazy to keep me alive, but at times, I get tired. Now we are starting a routine that will affect every part of my life, even worship time and study time. I have not resigned myself to it. I need to. I know that God will take me to a new place. This season will end and another begin. I will be different. If I stay close to God, it will be good.
Please pray for us during this time. It could be dangerous and it could be simple. Help us to make it easy on everyone. Help us to witness to others with our lives and our words. Help us to give others the respect and self-respect they need to do better in this world.
With all my love
Marj
There is in all things a variety of perspectives. Each of us interprets an event, object, or action by our own way of thinking and often has great difficulty seeing it in any other way. When I was of elementary age, we lived across the street from an elementary school. Our family had as many as four kids in that school at any one time and our neighbors to the left had at least as many. Behind us were a few more and so on. Our yards were measured in acres so a blocks worth of kids was for us, an entire community. There was little money for store-bought toys, but the parents saw to it that we each had a pair of clip on skates. This made the elementary school an ideal place to skate with sidewalks and asphalt. The school was built in a circle so we had an oval sidewalk track with grass in the center. We would go there and play "Roller Derby" as often as possible.
One day, some educator decided that fencing was necessary around schools. We thought our fun was over, but the principal of the school knew us and chose to have the front gates of iron raised to eighteen inches above the ground. "Roller Derby" continued.
Our parents liked it because they knew where to find us and injuries were minor; cuts, bruises, and concussions. We loved it because there were no adults. Arguments were settled kid's ways. When you were tired, you could fall on the grass in the middle of the circle and soak up the sweet smell of it. The Principal liked it because she had control over us. If we got out of line or there were too many marks on the walls or doors from our skates, she knew she could talk to ma and it would be tempered. It also created a great respect between the Principal and me. She taught me diplomacy.
I was a lousy student and more trouble than any principal needed. I got in fights, designed chaos and then sat back to watch it happen. She knew I was responsible for more trouble on campus than she could pin on me. She also knew that I stole food because I was hungry and didn't wear shoes because I only had one pair and I needed to save them for sports. She knew my strengths and my weaknesses. We were friends who greatly respected each other's power.
She would tell me when the "Roller Derby" was out of control, as you would tell an adult. She would explain how others saw it. I was given the right to control our activity. Though not the oldest in the group, I was the leader. She called me into her office one day and told me, in tears, that she was moving to another school. I saw the action as friendship. The whole school would know in two more days.
That summer we also moved and I finished the sixth grade at her "new" school. We stood side by side and cried when a jet fighter crashed at the Junior High School next door to our school. Ten kids were killed; we both knew we would know them. I think this principal saw the adult in me long before anyone else and respected it even when the kid was blatantly childlike.
The new school could not have roller derby, it was built wrong, and the gates were low and locked. We had sidewalks and streets and the clip on skates had been nailed to boards to become a new kind of toy. That season was over and the woman that treated me with kindness, respect, and fairness had shaped my future.
We go through seasons to prepare us for something. That season was to prepare me, thirty years later, to be a dean of students at a middle school for ten years. I hope that the kids I dealt with there, walked away with the same sense of value and fairness that I felt from this woman.
My cancer is now moving into a new season also. For the majority of April I will receive radiation treatments at the City of Hope. We will live in the village, on City of Hope's campus, from Monday through Friday. Weekends will be spent at home pulling things back together and getting ready to repeat the experience the next week. It will be both a quiet time and a busy time. When we are at the village, there is little to do and then when we are home there is too much to do. The unknown is how I will respond to the radiation and how easily I will be able to communicate with work. Somehow, I will work out a system. We always go with an understanding that we just need to let the details fall into place and not get too pushy about what we want.
I wonder what God is trying to teach us. There is always something and I am excited about that. I also know that there is some fear also for even my dreams reflect a lack of control. Not in what God will do because, whatever He does will be for my benefit, but it may not be easy for me. My fear comes more from my inability to handle being handled. This is not always an easy life. Occasionally you want to kick up your heels and say NO! That truly makes no sense, these people are working like crazy to keep me alive, but at times, I get tired. Now we are starting a routine that will affect every part of my life, even worship time and study time. I have not resigned myself to it. I need to. I know that God will take me to a new place. This season will end and another begin. I will be different. If I stay close to God, it will be good.
Please pray for us during this time. It could be dangerous and it could be simple. Help us to make it easy on everyone. Help us to witness to others with our lives and our words. Help us to give others the respect and self-respect they need to do better in this world.
With all my love
Marj
Trust and Obey - March 12, 2010
To my dear friends:
I awoke this morning with this song on my lips, "Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, then to trust and obey." Interesting song to be singing as I awoke. The night before, I asked God to help me not be to so sad. He gave me this song in the morning.
We are at transition time again. I have been on a chemotherapy holiday since September. During that time I have gained some strength, continue to lose weight and have seen the tumors grow from 10% in some to 50% in others. My blood is healthier than when we started and there is a sense that the bone marrow has begun to function again. It is tenuous however, for a kidney infection knocked the red blood count down from eleven to ten in two days. I recovered four tenths of that in the next three weeks. So, in many ways I am still vulnerable to the cancer and the effects of constant treatment.
The holiday, however, is over. We cannot, if possible, let these tumors continue to grow. Sometime in the next week, I will start another chemotherapy. I will take it for one week then be off it for six weeks. The idea is that the chemo will do the work, but not attack the blood as badly as the other chemos have. We will see. I have no idea of the side effects, or if it will work. Neither does anyone else but God. This I think is where the song comes in: Trust and Obey.
I asked my oncologist for a prognosis. Not in time but in progression: what is likely to happen. He had no answer for there is really no answer as to why I am where I am right now. Women, generally, do not survive ovarian cancer for five years. They don't run for 35 minutes three days a week, or do strength training. They don't serve the Lord in ministry four days a week. How can there be a prognosis for the anomaly? I understand his answer and I understand that the difference is God. Jesus has done all this. I am just a vessel. I can't put my hope or my plans in what the medical community has seen, Jesus has a plan and He will see it to completion. I do not know the how, why or when. I just need to know that Jesus is there.
The lack of an answer was Jesus' way of telling me to trust in Him. He knows the time and the progression. We are now looking at radiation for some of the tumors that cause the most pain. This is a new wrinkle and I will know more about it soon. Like surgery, radiation has always been ruled out because of the number of tumors and the damage that could be done to the colon and ureter. Things change and so, as you read this, those decisions are being re-evaluated.
The medical and spiritual parts of this cancer cannot be separated. I can see no way to do that. Every medical decision requires prayer and every day requires that I trust and obey. It is very easy to get sad. It would be exceedingly easy to become depressed, and on occasion, I have. God, however, has not ordained that, so I must look to Him to keep the sadness in check I should rejoice. This is a command. Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" Some would say that this says to rejoice in the Lord, not in the cancer but what is there that is not of the Lord. I don't understand why I need to rejoice in this cancer, but I know that I must obey, so I will rejoice.
Philippians also says in chapter 4 verse 6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Therefore, there is something else I need to do. I need to pray and ask the Lord to help me but I must also be thankful. Notice that it does not say be thankful for the good things in your life. It just says be thankful. In fact, there is a suggestion that what you pray about is also what you should be thankful for.
Obedience is not a simple task. Then again neither is trust, unless you put your trust in the right things. Most of the time our trust is wasted on things or people who cannot meet our needs. We build bank accounts that diminish to nothing in a few days of stock market chaos. We put our trust in someone we think we love only to find that they cannot meet our needs. So many ways we try to find happiness without making the simple decision to trust in Jesus Christ and obey what He tells us to do.
How do I do that? In my own strength, I cannot trust or obey Christ. He asks more of me than a mortal can give. "Be thankful for your cancer." "Smile and rejoice when all of you hurts". "Do not plan for tomorrow, today has enough trouble of its own." "Don't ask how many days you have left." "Don't mourn the loss of energy, power, and strength." How do I do that?
Today I was reading about the beginning of the friendship between God and Joshua. That might sound like a funny way of thinking about it but Joshua had always been a sidekick to Moses. He knew the power and might of God but they had not interacted. Now Moses is dead and Joshua will pick up the mantle. A huge mantle indeed. God tells him at least six times, maybe more, "be strong and courageous for I will never forsake you." Interesting that I would read this today. Be strong and courageous because you are not doing this by yourself. God, Jesus, will be right there. He is going through all this with me and He is not done yet. He will help me trust. He will demand that I obey in His strength. He will rejoice with me and He will see my thankfulness in what He has done. This is a trustworthy God.
I am again at peace. Many new things on the horizon. I don't expect that things will get easier. However, God is there and I can be strong and courageous. This I know for sure. For my God is bigger than any cancer or any treatment. Praise God.
All my love, Marj.
I awoke this morning with this song on my lips, "Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, then to trust and obey." Interesting song to be singing as I awoke. The night before, I asked God to help me not be to so sad. He gave me this song in the morning.
We are at transition time again. I have been on a chemotherapy holiday since September. During that time I have gained some strength, continue to lose weight and have seen the tumors grow from 10% in some to 50% in others. My blood is healthier than when we started and there is a sense that the bone marrow has begun to function again. It is tenuous however, for a kidney infection knocked the red blood count down from eleven to ten in two days. I recovered four tenths of that in the next three weeks. So, in many ways I am still vulnerable to the cancer and the effects of constant treatment.
The holiday, however, is over. We cannot, if possible, let these tumors continue to grow. Sometime in the next week, I will start another chemotherapy. I will take it for one week then be off it for six weeks. The idea is that the chemo will do the work, but not attack the blood as badly as the other chemos have. We will see. I have no idea of the side effects, or if it will work. Neither does anyone else but God. This I think is where the song comes in: Trust and Obey.
I asked my oncologist for a prognosis. Not in time but in progression: what is likely to happen. He had no answer for there is really no answer as to why I am where I am right now. Women, generally, do not survive ovarian cancer for five years. They don't run for 35 minutes three days a week, or do strength training. They don't serve the Lord in ministry four days a week. How can there be a prognosis for the anomaly? I understand his answer and I understand that the difference is God. Jesus has done all this. I am just a vessel. I can't put my hope or my plans in what the medical community has seen, Jesus has a plan and He will see it to completion. I do not know the how, why or when. I just need to know that Jesus is there.
The lack of an answer was Jesus' way of telling me to trust in Him. He knows the time and the progression. We are now looking at radiation for some of the tumors that cause the most pain. This is a new wrinkle and I will know more about it soon. Like surgery, radiation has always been ruled out because of the number of tumors and the damage that could be done to the colon and ureter. Things change and so, as you read this, those decisions are being re-evaluated.
The medical and spiritual parts of this cancer cannot be separated. I can see no way to do that. Every medical decision requires prayer and every day requires that I trust and obey. It is very easy to get sad. It would be exceedingly easy to become depressed, and on occasion, I have. God, however, has not ordained that, so I must look to Him to keep the sadness in check I should rejoice. This is a command. Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" Some would say that this says to rejoice in the Lord, not in the cancer but what is there that is not of the Lord. I don't understand why I need to rejoice in this cancer, but I know that I must obey, so I will rejoice.
Philippians also says in chapter 4 verse 6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Therefore, there is something else I need to do. I need to pray and ask the Lord to help me but I must also be thankful. Notice that it does not say be thankful for the good things in your life. It just says be thankful. In fact, there is a suggestion that what you pray about is also what you should be thankful for.
Obedience is not a simple task. Then again neither is trust, unless you put your trust in the right things. Most of the time our trust is wasted on things or people who cannot meet our needs. We build bank accounts that diminish to nothing in a few days of stock market chaos. We put our trust in someone we think we love only to find that they cannot meet our needs. So many ways we try to find happiness without making the simple decision to trust in Jesus Christ and obey what He tells us to do.
How do I do that? In my own strength, I cannot trust or obey Christ. He asks more of me than a mortal can give. "Be thankful for your cancer." "Smile and rejoice when all of you hurts". "Do not plan for tomorrow, today has enough trouble of its own." "Don't ask how many days you have left." "Don't mourn the loss of energy, power, and strength." How do I do that?
Today I was reading about the beginning of the friendship between God and Joshua. That might sound like a funny way of thinking about it but Joshua had always been a sidekick to Moses. He knew the power and might of God but they had not interacted. Now Moses is dead and Joshua will pick up the mantle. A huge mantle indeed. God tells him at least six times, maybe more, "be strong and courageous for I will never forsake you." Interesting that I would read this today. Be strong and courageous because you are not doing this by yourself. God, Jesus, will be right there. He is going through all this with me and He is not done yet. He will help me trust. He will demand that I obey in His strength. He will rejoice with me and He will see my thankfulness in what He has done. This is a trustworthy God.
I am again at peace. Many new things on the horizon. I don't expect that things will get easier. However, God is there and I can be strong and courageous. This I know for sure. For my God is bigger than any cancer or any treatment. Praise God.
All my love, Marj.
Hope Deferred - February 23, 2010
To my dear friends:
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. (Pro 13:12)
The year my father died defined a complete change in my life. I was thirteen and the middle child. I was closest to my father and yet there was a tension at the same time. His sudden death was a time of family rallying around us to make it better. In my mind, it was futile. I just wanted to be left alone, but it became a very busy and trying year. We were immediately introduced to church. That was one aunt's way of helping. It did, but not exactly, the way she had expected. My mother's brothers came over to provide some manly help from time to time. We moved three times that first year.
During that summer, we went to San Diego to see my mother's sister and her husband. They had no kids. For the five of us kids, it would prove to be a long week. While my uncle was driving us around and all five kids were in the back seat, he asked if we wanted to see the San Diego Zoo. We all said yes but then he turned back toward home and we never went. Later that day, my aunt found me in the backyard sulking and in tears. She figured that I missed my dad and came to comfort me. I told her that I didn't understand why my uncle would ask us if we wanted to go to the zoo then not take us. I really wanted to go. I loved animals. She told me that the way we said it sounded like we could care less, so he thought we were not interested. I merely told her she was wrong. I never liked him after that.
I come from a family of broken promises. As with many families, it starts with the cute little baby pictures and then begins to get out of focus. Sin enters in and relationships are damaged. People, who said they would be there for you, leave. People who said they loved you, act like they don't. Things they said you would get to do never happened. Hope is destroyed. Where hope is destroyed, so is the faith to hope again. When my uncle asked us if we wanted to go to the zoo our answer was true, but it lacked hope. He took it as ambivalence or disinterest.
What he couldn't see was fear. Fear of being hurt again. We were right. We were disappointed again. Hope was crushed. We didn't understand that we caused it ourselves, but we were certain that it would happen. It became clear that letting others make decisions for us meant that our needs would not be met. We had little hope.
When I met Jesus, I saw the same cycle begin again. I had become very controlling so that the only way that hope would be lost or differed was because of me. Now, Jesus had been introduced into my thinking. Hope, of salvation, peace, and love. How could I reach for that?
I was introduced to Jesus long before I accepted Him. In fact, soon after my father's death, church became mandatory. I went through catechism and learned the basic tenets of faith. I was baptized Lutheran, and joined the church, never making a commitment to Christ. I went because I was told and stayed because I could serve. Jesus was an adjunct that no one really required of me. I merely needed to know about Him, not live for Him. This suited me as I could look good to others and keep control of my life. It was a hollow place, I used control to fill.
As soon as I was an adult, I left the church. Control was still my god for the hope I wanted was always couched in the knowledge of what I could do. I did not disappoint myself as I had a clear understanding of my abilities and limits. They served me well and I finished an education, had some unique jobs, and finally became the teacher I had hoped to become. Why then was my life just like the kid in my aunt's backyard? Feeling as if I had hoped for something and then not gotten it?
Finally, when the pain got too intense, I went back to church. The church I am presently attending. I did so on a challenge from a good psychologist. Nothing changed. People were still undependable. I was still let down and life was still something that gave only empty clouds. There was no rain unless I made it myself. However, I was drawn to stay there. I heard something different but I didn't know what it was.
On the Easter of 1987, I watched a simple musical called "Then Came the Morning." The players were my acquaintances it all seemed so safe. Then, my morning came. I saw Jesus for who He really was. The sacrifice. I also saw Him for who He had said He would be: the completion. I was physically shaken by the words Christ uttered on the cross, "It is finished." I knew how much things in my life needed to be finished and I had found someone who could do it. But, would this become another empty promise? Was this just a story? Would I be left in the backyard wondering why no one ever heard me?
I decided that I had to try it. The problem was that there was no "trying it." Instinctively, I knew that I had to trust Him with everything. I couldn't try, I had to take what He offered and never renege on that. I sat in that pew so conflicted. "Just speak it," the voice in my head cried. Then my heart returned, "But what if nothing comes of it?" My head and heart fought through the musical but eventually they both won. I gave up control. I gave my heart to Jesus.
I had believed, but I had not come. To come, meant letting Jesus have it all and following Him, lose control, and trust another. Both must happen. To me, believing was a safe place. Keep the facts right, know what there is to know.
I saw this move and every other event in my life as a contract. I will do my part of the bargain and you do yours. I was always angry because others never kept up their end of the bargain. I thought that I had. Life was nothing but broken contracts. Now, I was entering into a covenant. The onus was on God. He had set the parameters and the outcome for me was eternal life if I would merely come. It didn't depend on what would be done in the future because it was already done! "It is finished!" All I had to do was accept the covenant. What a monumental shift in thinking!
I did come and hoped that there would be some obvious outward sign that God was in on this covenant. There was not, at least for a while. I had to believe without any signs. Soon the signs started to come. I realized that I was not angry any longer. After thirty years of drinking, I was finally able to stop. Slowly I stopped making silent contracts with people and trying to control everything. Life became easier and I became hungry to know this God who would keep His promises.
We have now spent 23 years together. I am always learning more. God has provided everything He promised. I have not always been true but His forgiveness outweighs all of that.
The question that begs to be asked is, "what about this cancer?" Did I expect this as a believer? Honestly, no. Does it matter? No. Because the covenant is not that Jesus will keep me safe it is that He will make me holy; sanctification. This I see Him doing in so many ways. He waited to allow this cancer until both my husband and I were Christians. He knew we would need to be equipped. Since then, the journey has been all His. He has guided us, answered the questions, loved us, and grown us. The covenant was not about making my life perfect, I will have that in Heaven, it was about letting God have control of my life. In doing so, I must accept whatever He puts in my life to bring me closer to Him. I admit that, before I was diagnosed with this cancer, I thought I was close to Jesus. Now I see how far I was from Him. I am guessing that the closeness we now share is not as close as it can get. Now I seek to be closer not satisfied.
That does not mean that some of God's decisions are not difficult to handle. I have asked for healing almost daily. Many of you have done the same. It does not come. At the same time, I have asked for God's will in my life even if that will differs from mine. Apparently it does. Does that mean that God does not love me or that He is not keeping His covenant with me, of course not. God showed me His love by allowing His Son to die on a cross for me. He would have done that if I were the only person in the world who needed to be saved. I could never love like that. He has shown me so much love that I believe that His not healing me is an act of love. I just don't understand it.
It is very difficult to let go of the life scripts that we build to protect ourselves from the hurts of life. I know now that I was not ready for forty years. I could see the gift in front of me but found no way to reach out and take it. Please, understand that this is completely different from anything you have ever known. God is not like us. He does what He says He will do. He will give you an eternal life that is magnificent. Reach past your fears. Believe in Jesus and come to Him.
This is my prayer for everyone who is reading this and has not made that step of faith. For those of you who have made that step, pray with me for the others. I love you all so much and I really want to see you in Heaven. It is clear to me that prayer is the way God moves in all our lives. Please contact me if you have prayer needs. I will pray for you. As I send this out I also ask that you pray for me. Who knows maybe this is a time for God to heal me. If it is not then pray that I will have the grace to accept His will and to change my will to match His.
With all my love
Marj.
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. (Pro 13:12)
The year my father died defined a complete change in my life. I was thirteen and the middle child. I was closest to my father and yet there was a tension at the same time. His sudden death was a time of family rallying around us to make it better. In my mind, it was futile. I just wanted to be left alone, but it became a very busy and trying year. We were immediately introduced to church. That was one aunt's way of helping. It did, but not exactly, the way she had expected. My mother's brothers came over to provide some manly help from time to time. We moved three times that first year.
During that summer, we went to San Diego to see my mother's sister and her husband. They had no kids. For the five of us kids, it would prove to be a long week. While my uncle was driving us around and all five kids were in the back seat, he asked if we wanted to see the San Diego Zoo. We all said yes but then he turned back toward home and we never went. Later that day, my aunt found me in the backyard sulking and in tears. She figured that I missed my dad and came to comfort me. I told her that I didn't understand why my uncle would ask us if we wanted to go to the zoo then not take us. I really wanted to go. I loved animals. She told me that the way we said it sounded like we could care less, so he thought we were not interested. I merely told her she was wrong. I never liked him after that.
I come from a family of broken promises. As with many families, it starts with the cute little baby pictures and then begins to get out of focus. Sin enters in and relationships are damaged. People, who said they would be there for you, leave. People who said they loved you, act like they don't. Things they said you would get to do never happened. Hope is destroyed. Where hope is destroyed, so is the faith to hope again. When my uncle asked us if we wanted to go to the zoo our answer was true, but it lacked hope. He took it as ambivalence or disinterest.
What he couldn't see was fear. Fear of being hurt again. We were right. We were disappointed again. Hope was crushed. We didn't understand that we caused it ourselves, but we were certain that it would happen. It became clear that letting others make decisions for us meant that our needs would not be met. We had little hope.
When I met Jesus, I saw the same cycle begin again. I had become very controlling so that the only way that hope would be lost or differed was because of me. Now, Jesus had been introduced into my thinking. Hope, of salvation, peace, and love. How could I reach for that?
I was introduced to Jesus long before I accepted Him. In fact, soon after my father's death, church became mandatory. I went through catechism and learned the basic tenets of faith. I was baptized Lutheran, and joined the church, never making a commitment to Christ. I went because I was told and stayed because I could serve. Jesus was an adjunct that no one really required of me. I merely needed to know about Him, not live for Him. This suited me as I could look good to others and keep control of my life. It was a hollow place, I used control to fill.
As soon as I was an adult, I left the church. Control was still my god for the hope I wanted was always couched in the knowledge of what I could do. I did not disappoint myself as I had a clear understanding of my abilities and limits. They served me well and I finished an education, had some unique jobs, and finally became the teacher I had hoped to become. Why then was my life just like the kid in my aunt's backyard? Feeling as if I had hoped for something and then not gotten it?
Finally, when the pain got too intense, I went back to church. The church I am presently attending. I did so on a challenge from a good psychologist. Nothing changed. People were still undependable. I was still let down and life was still something that gave only empty clouds. There was no rain unless I made it myself. However, I was drawn to stay there. I heard something different but I didn't know what it was.
On the Easter of 1987, I watched a simple musical called "Then Came the Morning." The players were my acquaintances it all seemed so safe. Then, my morning came. I saw Jesus for who He really was. The sacrifice. I also saw Him for who He had said He would be: the completion. I was physically shaken by the words Christ uttered on the cross, "It is finished." I knew how much things in my life needed to be finished and I had found someone who could do it. But, would this become another empty promise? Was this just a story? Would I be left in the backyard wondering why no one ever heard me?
I decided that I had to try it. The problem was that there was no "trying it." Instinctively, I knew that I had to trust Him with everything. I couldn't try, I had to take what He offered and never renege on that. I sat in that pew so conflicted. "Just speak it," the voice in my head cried. Then my heart returned, "But what if nothing comes of it?" My head and heart fought through the musical but eventually they both won. I gave up control. I gave my heart to Jesus.
I had believed, but I had not come. To come, meant letting Jesus have it all and following Him, lose control, and trust another. Both must happen. To me, believing was a safe place. Keep the facts right, know what there is to know.
I saw this move and every other event in my life as a contract. I will do my part of the bargain and you do yours. I was always angry because others never kept up their end of the bargain. I thought that I had. Life was nothing but broken contracts. Now, I was entering into a covenant. The onus was on God. He had set the parameters and the outcome for me was eternal life if I would merely come. It didn't depend on what would be done in the future because it was already done! "It is finished!" All I had to do was accept the covenant. What a monumental shift in thinking!
I did come and hoped that there would be some obvious outward sign that God was in on this covenant. There was not, at least for a while. I had to believe without any signs. Soon the signs started to come. I realized that I was not angry any longer. After thirty years of drinking, I was finally able to stop. Slowly I stopped making silent contracts with people and trying to control everything. Life became easier and I became hungry to know this God who would keep His promises.
We have now spent 23 years together. I am always learning more. God has provided everything He promised. I have not always been true but His forgiveness outweighs all of that.
The question that begs to be asked is, "what about this cancer?" Did I expect this as a believer? Honestly, no. Does it matter? No. Because the covenant is not that Jesus will keep me safe it is that He will make me holy; sanctification. This I see Him doing in so many ways. He waited to allow this cancer until both my husband and I were Christians. He knew we would need to be equipped. Since then, the journey has been all His. He has guided us, answered the questions, loved us, and grown us. The covenant was not about making my life perfect, I will have that in Heaven, it was about letting God have control of my life. In doing so, I must accept whatever He puts in my life to bring me closer to Him. I admit that, before I was diagnosed with this cancer, I thought I was close to Jesus. Now I see how far I was from Him. I am guessing that the closeness we now share is not as close as it can get. Now I seek to be closer not satisfied.
That does not mean that some of God's decisions are not difficult to handle. I have asked for healing almost daily. Many of you have done the same. It does not come. At the same time, I have asked for God's will in my life even if that will differs from mine. Apparently it does. Does that mean that God does not love me or that He is not keeping His covenant with me, of course not. God showed me His love by allowing His Son to die on a cross for me. He would have done that if I were the only person in the world who needed to be saved. I could never love like that. He has shown me so much love that I believe that His not healing me is an act of love. I just don't understand it.
It is very difficult to let go of the life scripts that we build to protect ourselves from the hurts of life. I know now that I was not ready for forty years. I could see the gift in front of me but found no way to reach out and take it. Please, understand that this is completely different from anything you have ever known. God is not like us. He does what He says He will do. He will give you an eternal life that is magnificent. Reach past your fears. Believe in Jesus and come to Him.
This is my prayer for everyone who is reading this and has not made that step of faith. For those of you who have made that step, pray with me for the others. I love you all so much and I really want to see you in Heaven. It is clear to me that prayer is the way God moves in all our lives. Please contact me if you have prayer needs. I will pray for you. As I send this out I also ask that you pray for me. Who knows maybe this is a time for God to heal me. If it is not then pray that I will have the grace to accept His will and to change my will to match His.
With all my love
Marj.
Scrambling - February 1, 2010
To my dear friends:
During my motorcycle racing days, we had a race called a European Scrambles. It was an off road race on a set course, as most of our races were, but the course was shorter and you went around it between three and five times. I liked Scrambles because it kept riders closer to the pit area and you could actually see some action. I also enjoyed racing with people of the same caliber and bike size.
On a European Scrambles, you had a chance to improve your next few laps after you had seen the terrain. It made for training time. It also allowed you to go out to a particular area and watch other racers go through the same terrain and see how they did it during their races. Many times there would be one troublesome spot on the course that would cause you trouble. It could be a rock, a deep parallel rut, or a large prickly bush waiting to grab you. As you fought your way though that section you would mentally tell yourself not to go that way again. The next time you came around, lo and behold you were right in the middle of it again. It took me many races to realize that the reason for this phenomenon was that the lead into this area looked so good that it suckered you in. Maybe a half mile back, the trail would fork and pull you to one side or the other and soon you found yourself fighting the same terrain. In order to avoid this area you had to recognize the entry point. In a race, that is very hard to do. It is the difference between winners and crashers.
Lately, I have been on a scrambles of the mind and I have run into a very familiar and difficult section of terrain. I have been here before but I had not hit it quite as hard as I did this time. Usually I see the fork and choose the better path.
My obstacle is anger. I have dealt with it so many times in my life. Before I became a Christian, it was a badge for me. I believed that someone owed me something I had not gotten, and I was angry. I had a right to be angry and the world, which had not given me what it was supposed to, would pay, daily. When I became a Christian, God miraculously removed that anger. He showed me that I was owed nothing and it was by His favor that I even existed. The anger was gone. At that moment, I realized that my life existed by the grace of God and I deserved nothing but death and hell.
As many times as I have circled the course, I have found that occasionally I fall back on that old path. Recently that has been so. The question is not what is making me angry. For that, there are all sorts of things to which I can point. The cancer that is robbing me of my life, people who don't do things the way I would do them, politics, and the plight of humankind. These are the rocks. However, if I look carefully, those rocks have been there all along. They may be causing the anger, but they would just be scenic detours had I not got on the wrong path prior to that. They are not the cause of the anger. Recently, I crashed. I saw my anger for what it was in the pain I caused to another person; I was saddened by what I had done. I must go back to the decision to be angry and see from whence this comes.
So, in my mind I began to run the course again and see where I took the trail that led to this anger. That's not easy; there have been so many turns, choices and decisions. What is the root of this? Prayer seemed to be the only way to get to the fork. Is it important to know where the fork was, most definitely! If I do not know how I got on this trail, I cannot stop it and the next time someone else will be hurt.
As I began to pray and confess this sin, God began to surround me with the answer. He didn't speak directly to me but he spoke through circumstances. Sadly, those who should hold me accountable did not, they let me continue sinning, but it is possible that I was not ready to hear them. However, God loves me too much to wait for my readiness. He directed me to podcasts, radio programs, scripture, and quiet time. He also made me very uncomfortable in all settings. I could not worship, work, or serve with peace. I knew things had to change.
I believe, and I use that word because I have no proof, that the fork in the road was in my desire for glory or praise. Let me explain what I mean. I think that inbred in every person is the desire to be noticed; no one wants to be a cipher. However, when we do not keep that desire in check, it becomes obsessive.
I receive a lot of praise. People are always saying nice things to me. My husband loves me and always says nice things to me. My church family is made up of encouragers; they do not criticize, they build up. However nice this is, it is the fork. I have to choose to follow that to self-praise and glory or understand that God is responsible for who I am and give Him the glory. Somewhere along the way, I chose self-praise and glory.
I began to believe what people were saying. I became self-important. I started viewing people through critical eyes instead of the eyes of Christ. It was very subtle because this is not the part of the trail with the rocks. I felt like I was on the right path, it was going so well. Everything was smooth. Nevertheless, it led to hazard. I would speak of my anger and the cogent argument would convince me that I was on the right path.
When I got to that hazard and saw the trouble it was causing, I became angry. Why were people so much trouble? What was wrong with them? People I had known and loved for years were a problem for me. Some people I had not loved, but had at least gotten along with, were now a great stumbling block for me. Serving others became a problem. Worship was even more difficult. Faces would appear in front of me and block my ability to worship. I was in trouble. How do I get off this trail?
As I prayed to know what to do with my discontent, God showed me the arrogance of my anger. He ganged up on me with so much stuff that I could not ignore the problem. I would listen to podcasts about something very different and hear the words I needed to hear. I would read scripture passages that were not directed at anger; these passages would lead me to my problem. This verse continued to run through my thoughts: "Don't you know what the Scriptures mean when they say, 'Instead of offering sacrifices to me, I want you to be merciful to others?' If you knew what this means, you would not condemn these innocent disciples of mine." (Matt 12:7)
The question kept coming back. Whom are you trying to glorify? How can you stand before an almighty God and suggest that you have a right to anything? Confess your sin.
Therefore, what you have here is the confession of that sin. The sin of self-praise, pride. The choice to see myself as more than a creation of God. To choose to raise myself above God and lower Him. To some, this would not seem like a big thing. As a Christian, it is very important. I have been stifled in all that I choose to do for the Lord. I have not cared for others. I have not shared the Gospel. I have not served with joy. My desire has been to do it my way. This has not been a long course. A short lap of about 3 weeks but it has felt long and arduous. It has robbed me of the joy of many days without chemotherapy in which I should have felt great and been very happy but I took the wrong fork because it pleased me and not God.
I am starting around the course again. This time I am looking for the fork. My prayer is that when I see it this time, I will choose the better path not the path that looks good. Please pray for me. My battles are not just physical, neither are yours. We all need the prayers of each other. Thank you for yours. As I learn of yours, I will pray for you.
With all my love
Marj
During my motorcycle racing days, we had a race called a European Scrambles. It was an off road race on a set course, as most of our races were, but the course was shorter and you went around it between three and five times. I liked Scrambles because it kept riders closer to the pit area and you could actually see some action. I also enjoyed racing with people of the same caliber and bike size.
On a European Scrambles, you had a chance to improve your next few laps after you had seen the terrain. It made for training time. It also allowed you to go out to a particular area and watch other racers go through the same terrain and see how they did it during their races. Many times there would be one troublesome spot on the course that would cause you trouble. It could be a rock, a deep parallel rut, or a large prickly bush waiting to grab you. As you fought your way though that section you would mentally tell yourself not to go that way again. The next time you came around, lo and behold you were right in the middle of it again. It took me many races to realize that the reason for this phenomenon was that the lead into this area looked so good that it suckered you in. Maybe a half mile back, the trail would fork and pull you to one side or the other and soon you found yourself fighting the same terrain. In order to avoid this area you had to recognize the entry point. In a race, that is very hard to do. It is the difference between winners and crashers.
Lately, I have been on a scrambles of the mind and I have run into a very familiar and difficult section of terrain. I have been here before but I had not hit it quite as hard as I did this time. Usually I see the fork and choose the better path.
My obstacle is anger. I have dealt with it so many times in my life. Before I became a Christian, it was a badge for me. I believed that someone owed me something I had not gotten, and I was angry. I had a right to be angry and the world, which had not given me what it was supposed to, would pay, daily. When I became a Christian, God miraculously removed that anger. He showed me that I was owed nothing and it was by His favor that I even existed. The anger was gone. At that moment, I realized that my life existed by the grace of God and I deserved nothing but death and hell.
As many times as I have circled the course, I have found that occasionally I fall back on that old path. Recently that has been so. The question is not what is making me angry. For that, there are all sorts of things to which I can point. The cancer that is robbing me of my life, people who don't do things the way I would do them, politics, and the plight of humankind. These are the rocks. However, if I look carefully, those rocks have been there all along. They may be causing the anger, but they would just be scenic detours had I not got on the wrong path prior to that. They are not the cause of the anger. Recently, I crashed. I saw my anger for what it was in the pain I caused to another person; I was saddened by what I had done. I must go back to the decision to be angry and see from whence this comes.
So, in my mind I began to run the course again and see where I took the trail that led to this anger. That's not easy; there have been so many turns, choices and decisions. What is the root of this? Prayer seemed to be the only way to get to the fork. Is it important to know where the fork was, most definitely! If I do not know how I got on this trail, I cannot stop it and the next time someone else will be hurt.
As I began to pray and confess this sin, God began to surround me with the answer. He didn't speak directly to me but he spoke through circumstances. Sadly, those who should hold me accountable did not, they let me continue sinning, but it is possible that I was not ready to hear them. However, God loves me too much to wait for my readiness. He directed me to podcasts, radio programs, scripture, and quiet time. He also made me very uncomfortable in all settings. I could not worship, work, or serve with peace. I knew things had to change.
I believe, and I use that word because I have no proof, that the fork in the road was in my desire for glory or praise. Let me explain what I mean. I think that inbred in every person is the desire to be noticed; no one wants to be a cipher. However, when we do not keep that desire in check, it becomes obsessive.
I receive a lot of praise. People are always saying nice things to me. My husband loves me and always says nice things to me. My church family is made up of encouragers; they do not criticize, they build up. However nice this is, it is the fork. I have to choose to follow that to self-praise and glory or understand that God is responsible for who I am and give Him the glory. Somewhere along the way, I chose self-praise and glory.
I began to believe what people were saying. I became self-important. I started viewing people through critical eyes instead of the eyes of Christ. It was very subtle because this is not the part of the trail with the rocks. I felt like I was on the right path, it was going so well. Everything was smooth. Nevertheless, it led to hazard. I would speak of my anger and the cogent argument would convince me that I was on the right path.
When I got to that hazard and saw the trouble it was causing, I became angry. Why were people so much trouble? What was wrong with them? People I had known and loved for years were a problem for me. Some people I had not loved, but had at least gotten along with, were now a great stumbling block for me. Serving others became a problem. Worship was even more difficult. Faces would appear in front of me and block my ability to worship. I was in trouble. How do I get off this trail?
As I prayed to know what to do with my discontent, God showed me the arrogance of my anger. He ganged up on me with so much stuff that I could not ignore the problem. I would listen to podcasts about something very different and hear the words I needed to hear. I would read scripture passages that were not directed at anger; these passages would lead me to my problem. This verse continued to run through my thoughts: "Don't you know what the Scriptures mean when they say, 'Instead of offering sacrifices to me, I want you to be merciful to others?' If you knew what this means, you would not condemn these innocent disciples of mine." (Matt 12:7)
The question kept coming back. Whom are you trying to glorify? How can you stand before an almighty God and suggest that you have a right to anything? Confess your sin.
Therefore, what you have here is the confession of that sin. The sin of self-praise, pride. The choice to see myself as more than a creation of God. To choose to raise myself above God and lower Him. To some, this would not seem like a big thing. As a Christian, it is very important. I have been stifled in all that I choose to do for the Lord. I have not cared for others. I have not shared the Gospel. I have not served with joy. My desire has been to do it my way. This has not been a long course. A short lap of about 3 weeks but it has felt long and arduous. It has robbed me of the joy of many days without chemotherapy in which I should have felt great and been very happy but I took the wrong fork because it pleased me and not God.
I am starting around the course again. This time I am looking for the fork. My prayer is that when I see it this time, I will choose the better path not the path that looks good. Please pray for me. My battles are not just physical, neither are yours. We all need the prayers of each other. Thank you for yours. As I learn of yours, I will pray for you.
With all my love
Marj
Dread - January 13, 2010
To my dear friends:
My elementary school years were a confusing time in my life. When I was alone or on the playground, I truly loved what I was doing. The out of doors became my friend and sports were beginning to look like my salvation. However, home was where I learned to dread.
My father was an alcoholic. He and I got along well but his alcoholism caused great strife for my mother who was trying to feed five kids. Many paydays he arrived without a paycheck, already drunk away at the local bar. This pressure on my mom made her violent, especially to me because I was my dad's sidekick and I would guess she also knew we were drinking buddies.
I learned early in my life to listen carefully before ever going in the house. If it was quiet, I would sneak in, go to my room, change, grab any books I needed for homework, and get out. I did most of my homework and thinking in the trees that surrounded our house. If there was strife in the house, I simply did not go in until dinner was on the table. If I carelessly missed those cues, I would end up beaten and belittled. This did not stop until the day my father killed himself. I was twelve. Then, for some reason, I knew everything would change. The dread left me. The anger took much longer.
Dread is an interesting emotion. I believe it consists of three parts. Knowledge of the same thing in the past, acceptance of the status quo of the present and fear of the future if it returns to the circumstances of the past.
Knowledge, you cannot dread something you know little about. Many believe that if you read about something or exhaust all information on a subject you will know enough to dread it. I don't think that is so. You may fear it, but because you have not lived it, you cannot dread it. To dread something is to live it in your heart and mind, even when it is not happening.
I had been beaten so many times that I could feel those beatings in my sleep. I suppose that if my mom knew what I was doing she could have justified many of them but they were just the relief of the tension from a scared and desperate woman. The child did not get that, but the adult does. In my mother's defense, she never laid a hand on me after my father died. At that point, I probably deserved it because I was angry. As a child however, the beatings were frightening and violent. At one point, I knew if I passed out, I would die. I did pass out; I was only half-right. That was the last time I let her near me.
Status quo, where you are right now. Because you are where you are, you know you can live with it. You may even be enjoying it. However, it feels tentative. What if the bad returns? It makes the good times short and extremely valuable. It is what can cause a "devil may care" attitude in many people. If I know the worst then I will live for the now. This is dangerous thinking.
There is another way of looking at the tenuousness of life. Use every minute of it while you have it. It may not last. Dread sits in the background of those of us who truly believe that the other shoe will fall. We do not live in fear as much as we live knowing the reality. In the knowing is the decision to complete what we can now. It is difficult to pace ourselves. It is difficult to give time for things to form, ideas to gel and people to get on board. I have lived both of these paradigms in my life. However, since I have become a Christian, Christ has allowed me to relax in His grace and live in peace.
Future, the third part of dread is what brings it to the forefront. When the past becomes the future. When you know that whatever good time you have been having will end. Even when it is not there yet. In fact, because it is not there yet, you have no grace and so your mind lives out the worst long before the situation arises. Once you get to the point of dealing with what you dread, the power is gone. It's like trying to catch a vapor.
As Christians, it seems like a sin to dread. Some say, "Just trust God." But that assumes that God is synonymous with Santa Claus. True, God will not give you more than you can handle, but He will also not protect you for the things you dread, they may be necessary for the purpose at hand. You are not given a "get out of jail free" card even if what you are dreading is not related to consequence of your action.
Lee and I have spent nearly five years fighting this cancer. It has not been fun, but as we have gone along the disease has gone from acute to chronic. Like many chronic diseases, it colors every day of your life but it doesn't really change what is going on. You learn to adjust and accept the good with the bad.
The cancer lies in the background with a quiet sense of dread. Benign, it does not rear its head because there is no reason for alarm unless there is a change. In September, we made a drastic change in the treatment of this disease. Because of the Chemotherapy, the tumors were diminishing and so was the health of my blood. My body was longer recovering from the chemo. I was existing on blood transfusions just to bring me to a level of anemia I could live with. I was extremely low on white blood cells so I was susceptible to disease. My platelets were very low which made my thorny household roses enemies instead of friends. Consequently, we stopped all chemotherapy; we went on a chemo holiday.
The holiday was important, since then my blood has finally gotten to normal levels. My bone marrow has proven that it can bounce back. I have become stronger, and finally began a regular exercise routine that makes me feel very good. Lee and I have enjoyed much more time talking and experiencing the things most people do without every conversation going to health issues.
About a week ago, a familiar pain began to surface in my body. One that is associated with tumor growth. Dread crept back into my thoughts. I knew the past of chemo, enjoyed the present health and realized that soon the future would again include chemotherapy.
It is a difficult time. I like the status quo and would like it to continue. I was hoping for at least one more month. One way to avoid dread is to get to the future quickly. "Okay, let's start the chemo now." This may not be the path the doctor wants to take, so I must wait and pray. This has been our constant action and it alleviates the dread for a while but does not stop the reoccurrence of it.
For us, dread can only come from what we have experienced and are now reliving for the future. I understand that I can be fearful of what I have not experienced but dread is deeper and exacting in its reenactment. I think of Jesus in Gethsemane. He was experiencing dread not fear. How can that be since He had never been to the cross? Jesus was all man and all God. He knew with every part of His body what He was facing. He had already in His "Godness" experienced the cross. Now in His humanness, He must live through the dread of the cross. Like any human, His greatest desire was to keep the status quo. But in reality, His greatest desire was to do the will of God. That will was to let Him go to the cross. How difficult that must have been for Him.
I can still decide to stay in the status quo. If I do, the consequences are certain, the tumors will grow. I will become sicker and the pain will increase. In reality, I have no choice. Jesus too, could have decided to remain in the status quo. The consequences would be a lost world and rejection of His own deity. That was impossible. He had no choice.
Dread, is looking at a future you don't want and waiting for it to happen. It also forgets the grace that was given in the past. This is where my focus must be. God has always covered my fears with grace, I do not think this will be different. I could not do this if I did not have a friend like Jesus who understands and forgives my forgetfulness of his graciousness.
What about you? Do you have the same friend? He's seen it all. He understands what you are going through. He loves you.
Please pray that this transition will be easier than I anticipate. Thank you,
All my love, Marj
My elementary school years were a confusing time in my life. When I was alone or on the playground, I truly loved what I was doing. The out of doors became my friend and sports were beginning to look like my salvation. However, home was where I learned to dread.
My father was an alcoholic. He and I got along well but his alcoholism caused great strife for my mother who was trying to feed five kids. Many paydays he arrived without a paycheck, already drunk away at the local bar. This pressure on my mom made her violent, especially to me because I was my dad's sidekick and I would guess she also knew we were drinking buddies.
I learned early in my life to listen carefully before ever going in the house. If it was quiet, I would sneak in, go to my room, change, grab any books I needed for homework, and get out. I did most of my homework and thinking in the trees that surrounded our house. If there was strife in the house, I simply did not go in until dinner was on the table. If I carelessly missed those cues, I would end up beaten and belittled. This did not stop until the day my father killed himself. I was twelve. Then, for some reason, I knew everything would change. The dread left me. The anger took much longer.
Dread is an interesting emotion. I believe it consists of three parts. Knowledge of the same thing in the past, acceptance of the status quo of the present and fear of the future if it returns to the circumstances of the past.
Knowledge, you cannot dread something you know little about. Many believe that if you read about something or exhaust all information on a subject you will know enough to dread it. I don't think that is so. You may fear it, but because you have not lived it, you cannot dread it. To dread something is to live it in your heart and mind, even when it is not happening.
I had been beaten so many times that I could feel those beatings in my sleep. I suppose that if my mom knew what I was doing she could have justified many of them but they were just the relief of the tension from a scared and desperate woman. The child did not get that, but the adult does. In my mother's defense, she never laid a hand on me after my father died. At that point, I probably deserved it because I was angry. As a child however, the beatings were frightening and violent. At one point, I knew if I passed out, I would die. I did pass out; I was only half-right. That was the last time I let her near me.
Status quo, where you are right now. Because you are where you are, you know you can live with it. You may even be enjoying it. However, it feels tentative. What if the bad returns? It makes the good times short and extremely valuable. It is what can cause a "devil may care" attitude in many people. If I know the worst then I will live for the now. This is dangerous thinking.
There is another way of looking at the tenuousness of life. Use every minute of it while you have it. It may not last. Dread sits in the background of those of us who truly believe that the other shoe will fall. We do not live in fear as much as we live knowing the reality. In the knowing is the decision to complete what we can now. It is difficult to pace ourselves. It is difficult to give time for things to form, ideas to gel and people to get on board. I have lived both of these paradigms in my life. However, since I have become a Christian, Christ has allowed me to relax in His grace and live in peace.
Future, the third part of dread is what brings it to the forefront. When the past becomes the future. When you know that whatever good time you have been having will end. Even when it is not there yet. In fact, because it is not there yet, you have no grace and so your mind lives out the worst long before the situation arises. Once you get to the point of dealing with what you dread, the power is gone. It's like trying to catch a vapor.
As Christians, it seems like a sin to dread. Some say, "Just trust God." But that assumes that God is synonymous with Santa Claus. True, God will not give you more than you can handle, but He will also not protect you for the things you dread, they may be necessary for the purpose at hand. You are not given a "get out of jail free" card even if what you are dreading is not related to consequence of your action.
Lee and I have spent nearly five years fighting this cancer. It has not been fun, but as we have gone along the disease has gone from acute to chronic. Like many chronic diseases, it colors every day of your life but it doesn't really change what is going on. You learn to adjust and accept the good with the bad.
The cancer lies in the background with a quiet sense of dread. Benign, it does not rear its head because there is no reason for alarm unless there is a change. In September, we made a drastic change in the treatment of this disease. Because of the Chemotherapy, the tumors were diminishing and so was the health of my blood. My body was longer recovering from the chemo. I was existing on blood transfusions just to bring me to a level of anemia I could live with. I was extremely low on white blood cells so I was susceptible to disease. My platelets were very low which made my thorny household roses enemies instead of friends. Consequently, we stopped all chemotherapy; we went on a chemo holiday.
The holiday was important, since then my blood has finally gotten to normal levels. My bone marrow has proven that it can bounce back. I have become stronger, and finally began a regular exercise routine that makes me feel very good. Lee and I have enjoyed much more time talking and experiencing the things most people do without every conversation going to health issues.
About a week ago, a familiar pain began to surface in my body. One that is associated with tumor growth. Dread crept back into my thoughts. I knew the past of chemo, enjoyed the present health and realized that soon the future would again include chemotherapy.
It is a difficult time. I like the status quo and would like it to continue. I was hoping for at least one more month. One way to avoid dread is to get to the future quickly. "Okay, let's start the chemo now." This may not be the path the doctor wants to take, so I must wait and pray. This has been our constant action and it alleviates the dread for a while but does not stop the reoccurrence of it.
For us, dread can only come from what we have experienced and are now reliving for the future. I understand that I can be fearful of what I have not experienced but dread is deeper and exacting in its reenactment. I think of Jesus in Gethsemane. He was experiencing dread not fear. How can that be since He had never been to the cross? Jesus was all man and all God. He knew with every part of His body what He was facing. He had already in His "Godness" experienced the cross. Now in His humanness, He must live through the dread of the cross. Like any human, His greatest desire was to keep the status quo. But in reality, His greatest desire was to do the will of God. That will was to let Him go to the cross. How difficult that must have been for Him.
I can still decide to stay in the status quo. If I do, the consequences are certain, the tumors will grow. I will become sicker and the pain will increase. In reality, I have no choice. Jesus too, could have decided to remain in the status quo. The consequences would be a lost world and rejection of His own deity. That was impossible. He had no choice.
Dread, is looking at a future you don't want and waiting for it to happen. It also forgets the grace that was given in the past. This is where my focus must be. God has always covered my fears with grace, I do not think this will be different. I could not do this if I did not have a friend like Jesus who understands and forgives my forgetfulness of his graciousness.
What about you? Do you have the same friend? He's seen it all. He understands what you are going through. He loves you.
Please pray that this transition will be easier than I anticipate. Thank you,
All my love, Marj
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)