To My Dear Friends:
I have spent many hours in waiting rooms in the last five years. During that time, I have read novels, done Suduko, and knitted my way through the time. One thing that seems to endure through the time is crossword puzzles. Lee and I do them at home much more than when we are waiting. We have a few books as references in case we are stuck but most of the time we can work through one quickly.
I like crossword puzzles because they are an act of faith. Each time I start a new one I am faced with hundreds of blank squares. At times, there is a theme to begin the thinking process but most often, it is merely a void needing to be filled. I will read the first few clues to no avail. Then, I will read the clues going the other way; no help. I could look in the back, but that would be cheating. I put it down and return to it later. This time a few clues make sense, maybe. I write them in, in pencil. Nothing else seems to make sense so I put it down again. Later, I will pick it up again and see more words that I had not sensed on the first few tries. Now I see it. It is so clear, why didn't I get it right off? My mind is beginning to move in the direction of the author of this puzzle.
Lee is doing the same thing with this puzzle and between the two of us, we are making headway. Finally, my thinking adjusts to that of the author and Lee's words have helped. The puzzle that was so daunting at the beginning is now, no problem. It is quickly finished and the page is turned for the new task. In the mean time, we have learned many insignificant facts that will quickly wander from our minds until asked of us again.
As I think of faith, it is much the same way. As a new problem or situation begins to surface it is like a blank page. Answers are not readily available and I do not know how to complete the puzzle. But, I start.
At first, the steps are tenuous and small. I do not know what my creator is thinking. I have not begun to get in harmony with Him. I trust Him but do not know His plan. I try a few things. They don't feel right. I back track and try again. Feeling better, I pursue the direction chosen.
Lee becomes involved. He sees things from another perspective. He gives his input and the picture begins to change slightly. I see more than I could see by myself. He has become a part of the plan even though neither of us knows the plan entirely. We do know that God knows the plan and will see it through to the end.
We both busy ourselves with other work and then come back to the plan God has put in front of us. While we have been away, there has been silent prayer and time for God to change the thoughts of our minds.
We again tackle the plan before us. Hmmm, now it seems clearer. We understand what we are to do though we may not understand how we are to do it. We try some things, some work, some don't. More time is needed and more prayer. We will return to the plan.
As we return, it finally all falls into place. Like the puzzle, we wonder why we didn't recognize the solution right away. Enough time, prayer and patience has gone by to reveal what God desired of us. We are at peace with the circumstance and it has now become our will. God has made the changes in us that are necessary to allow us to be at peace. This is called grace.
I write of this in very general terms because it happens all the time. It isn't just the big things like cancer that we find God faithful to bring us to grace. He is working in every instance of our life to bring us to contentment no matter what is going on. For, what is contentment but to agree with God about what He has done with our life? For us it is the crossword puzzle. It starts blank and then slowly becomes clear as the clues make sense. God has promised us this and He will deliver.
With all my love,
Marj
Showing posts with label Letters for 2009. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letters for 2009. Show all posts
It's A Dog's Life - November 12, 2009
To my dear friends:
In my lifetime, it seems that whenever possible, we have had dogs. Never more than three but rarely one. I don't know why we have dogs because they are casual acquaintances with us. They stay outside and we in. We make contact with them three or four times a day and they are our steady companions when in the back yard. We train them in basic commands and how to walk with us but that is only so that we can have a positive experience with them without much discipline. The two dogs we have now are normal dogs. The Golden Lab is a runt and catches birds, chickens, peacocks, ravens, etc. The Rottweiler eats whatever the lab catches, but never catches them herself. They seem happy with this arrangement.
I mention my dogs because I was thinking about the dogs that I have loved the most. Those dogs have been the abnormal dogs. We had an Akita that ran like the wind, stood taller than the windows, loved people and killed anything with four legs. We finally had to put him down before he started killing two legged mammals. I also had a black longhaired shepherd. I call it mine because Lee never liked it. It was crazy, I will admit. He was never a dog that I feared but anyone else should have. He was beautiful and never out of energy.
Whenever we talk of our dogs, and that is rare, we talk about the strange ones. The normal dogs are not remembered. The normal ones stayed in the yard, went on camping trips with us, gave us much love and companionship, and generally did what dogs do.
Normalcy is not very remarkable. It is what we expect but it is not what we strive for. Sometimes the normal is forgotten or ignored. Like my dogs, the normal ones are left in the back yard to do what they want and generally entertain themselves. It is only when they become remarkable to someone else, that they get attention.
We are not that different with people. I am embarrassed to say that but I think it is true. The people who get attention are the abnormal. People who do not think straight. People with problems of health, wealth, or understanding are those to whom we give our attention. Normal people, however you define that, are called upon to help, to converse with when you meet them or just people you know. In fact, we would not marry if we didn't find a normal person and see something special in that person.
Presently, I am back in the realm of normalcy. I am not sick. I am not dying any more than the rest of us. I am happy and I am not fearful. I am normal. I still have cancer and that has become a normal part of me. Only Lee gets to know the daily stuff that colors my life as abnormal. And, like my dogs, I don't get the attention I got when I was abnormal.
There is a tension to this situation. I like the normalcy and the lack of attention because I can spend more time doing what I want to do. Much of that includes counseling others, working at the church, being creative and working at the house. I can focus on others, think of them in my quiet times, and pray for them without losing my focus. I have had time to start the process of rebuilding my body and gaining strength. All of these are good things and things I longed for when I was abnormal.
Then there is the lack of attention. I disliked that aspect, not because it made me feel special, because, in fact, it made me feel wrong much of the time. But, it was attention. People cared about how I was feeling and what was happening. I tired of conversations that only included health problems, but they were conversations.
Just like my abnormal dogs. I needed more attention and I got that. Now, I don't need it but I miss it. Don't misunderstand, I am not lonely, nor have I lost the specialness of the relationship with my husband and many others. It is just that life has become normal and I am not used to it. I know that in Jesus' eyes, I am not normal and He will keep me going quite well. I have good friends that give me way more than I give back. I just need to adjust my identity.
I think this tension between normalcy, abnormality, and invisibility is what keeps some people abnormal. I'm not speaking of the chronic or congenital illnesses of some, but of the ones I know who always have a problem and can never say that life is good. People who have found energy and attention in abnormality. I can see how that happens to them.
I remember when I was first saved. I had a long background of being abused and abusing alcohol. I was the kind of person of which testimonies were made. Due to my speaking ability, I became a speaker and my testimony became my identity. But, I knew I was changing. I was no longer abused; God had found protection for me. I was no longer abusing alcohol or any other substance, God had fulfilled that for me. I wanted to lose that identity and become normal. It wasn't easy because many wanted to take me back to relate my testimony, others were watching for failure and I just wanted to be that dog left in the back yard to do my thing.
When I finally achieved a place where my testimony was my life, I became normal and left to do what I wanted. I enjoyed that. God and I worked out a productive life for me and I relaxed into a routine.
Then the cancer arrived. I moved back into the light. The backyard was not where God wanted me. For a season, I needed to move into the world of abnormality. I understood His plan and found great strength in the purpose He gave me. I do not see that ending even with this time of normality. There is plenty for me to do or God would have taken me home a while ago. I just need to get used to normal.
Will you pray for a normal person? I still need that. I do still have cancer and as long as I do, there is danger. I still have problems daily and need to medicate those problems. I still need to trust God with my life and cares daily, with or without cancer. I still care about you. Normalcy is not so bad. Praise God.
With all my love, Marj
In my lifetime, it seems that whenever possible, we have had dogs. Never more than three but rarely one. I don't know why we have dogs because they are casual acquaintances with us. They stay outside and we in. We make contact with them three or four times a day and they are our steady companions when in the back yard. We train them in basic commands and how to walk with us but that is only so that we can have a positive experience with them without much discipline. The two dogs we have now are normal dogs. The Golden Lab is a runt and catches birds, chickens, peacocks, ravens, etc. The Rottweiler eats whatever the lab catches, but never catches them herself. They seem happy with this arrangement.
I mention my dogs because I was thinking about the dogs that I have loved the most. Those dogs have been the abnormal dogs. We had an Akita that ran like the wind, stood taller than the windows, loved people and killed anything with four legs. We finally had to put him down before he started killing two legged mammals. I also had a black longhaired shepherd. I call it mine because Lee never liked it. It was crazy, I will admit. He was never a dog that I feared but anyone else should have. He was beautiful and never out of energy.
Whenever we talk of our dogs, and that is rare, we talk about the strange ones. The normal dogs are not remembered. The normal ones stayed in the yard, went on camping trips with us, gave us much love and companionship, and generally did what dogs do.
Normalcy is not very remarkable. It is what we expect but it is not what we strive for. Sometimes the normal is forgotten or ignored. Like my dogs, the normal ones are left in the back yard to do what they want and generally entertain themselves. It is only when they become remarkable to someone else, that they get attention.
We are not that different with people. I am embarrassed to say that but I think it is true. The people who get attention are the abnormal. People who do not think straight. People with problems of health, wealth, or understanding are those to whom we give our attention. Normal people, however you define that, are called upon to help, to converse with when you meet them or just people you know. In fact, we would not marry if we didn't find a normal person and see something special in that person.
Presently, I am back in the realm of normalcy. I am not sick. I am not dying any more than the rest of us. I am happy and I am not fearful. I am normal. I still have cancer and that has become a normal part of me. Only Lee gets to know the daily stuff that colors my life as abnormal. And, like my dogs, I don't get the attention I got when I was abnormal.
There is a tension to this situation. I like the normalcy and the lack of attention because I can spend more time doing what I want to do. Much of that includes counseling others, working at the church, being creative and working at the house. I can focus on others, think of them in my quiet times, and pray for them without losing my focus. I have had time to start the process of rebuilding my body and gaining strength. All of these are good things and things I longed for when I was abnormal.
Then there is the lack of attention. I disliked that aspect, not because it made me feel special, because, in fact, it made me feel wrong much of the time. But, it was attention. People cared about how I was feeling and what was happening. I tired of conversations that only included health problems, but they were conversations.
Just like my abnormal dogs. I needed more attention and I got that. Now, I don't need it but I miss it. Don't misunderstand, I am not lonely, nor have I lost the specialness of the relationship with my husband and many others. It is just that life has become normal and I am not used to it. I know that in Jesus' eyes, I am not normal and He will keep me going quite well. I have good friends that give me way more than I give back. I just need to adjust my identity.
I think this tension between normalcy, abnormality, and invisibility is what keeps some people abnormal. I'm not speaking of the chronic or congenital illnesses of some, but of the ones I know who always have a problem and can never say that life is good. People who have found energy and attention in abnormality. I can see how that happens to them.
I remember when I was first saved. I had a long background of being abused and abusing alcohol. I was the kind of person of which testimonies were made. Due to my speaking ability, I became a speaker and my testimony became my identity. But, I knew I was changing. I was no longer abused; God had found protection for me. I was no longer abusing alcohol or any other substance, God had fulfilled that for me. I wanted to lose that identity and become normal. It wasn't easy because many wanted to take me back to relate my testimony, others were watching for failure and I just wanted to be that dog left in the back yard to do my thing.
When I finally achieved a place where my testimony was my life, I became normal and left to do what I wanted. I enjoyed that. God and I worked out a productive life for me and I relaxed into a routine.
Then the cancer arrived. I moved back into the light. The backyard was not where God wanted me. For a season, I needed to move into the world of abnormality. I understood His plan and found great strength in the purpose He gave me. I do not see that ending even with this time of normality. There is plenty for me to do or God would have taken me home a while ago. I just need to get used to normal.
Will you pray for a normal person? I still need that. I do still have cancer and as long as I do, there is danger. I still have problems daily and need to medicate those problems. I still need to trust God with my life and cares daily, with or without cancer. I still care about you. Normalcy is not so bad. Praise God.
With all my love, Marj
Fall Day - November 6, 2009
To my friends:
Today, we are enjoying a warm fall day. Warm, meaning the high was about eighty degrees and that only lasted about an hour. The morning started at about 45 degrees. The days are short so it is all the sun can do to create a warm day this time of year. This is not my favorite time. I love the summer; the days are long and hot. There is time to work and time to rest. In the fall, you must work cold and not take a rest because you will run out of day.
However, my yard loves the fall. The roses are in bloom all around the yard. With more than a hundred, I would guess that at least eighty of them have beautiful blooms right now. The blooms last longer and are not fried by the heat. I can see the color schemes planned when I planted them and it makes me happy. Mixed with the sensation of extravagant color is the steady beauty of the lawn. Deep green and well manicured, it lends a sense of peace and keeps the rabbits busy so that they don't munch on the roses.
Our front yard is one lavishness we have allowed ourselves. It is functional, beautiful, and easy to maintain. It has cost us much time to achieve but each day as I sit in the office I can look out and see life at its best. I really find great joy just seeing God's creation before me.
My life right now is similar to the front yard. I am in a quiet flourishing time. More than a month ago, we stopped the chemotherapy to allow my bone marrow to rebuild. The heat of the Cytoxin has ended and my body has moved into its fall season. The blood is rebuilding and the tumors are not growing at a worrisome rate. It is a good time physically, cool nights and warm days. Time to rebuild physically and mentally.
There is a problem with such a sweet time as this. It is easy to try to stand on your own two feet and forget how you are supported. I don't know why it is, but as soon as life becomes easy, God becomes less and I become more. I hate this and fight constantly so that does not happen, yet, it does. God, however, knows my tendency and works to keep me close.
Positively, He has me teaching a bible study right now. I considered not doing this in the fall because it is a busy time and women have to give to their family rather than a study. God saw the need, not only for the women in the study but also for me. It takes many hours a week to bring a good study to these ladies each week. That effort keeps me close to God. The ladies are very bright women who challenge and question quickly. This also keeps me searching for the truth of God's word. This study has been very positive for me and I find that God obviously orchestrated it for the fall season of this disease.
Negatively, though maybe positively, the change in drugs has left me emotional. That makes everything seem like it's under a magnifying glass. Small things become big and non- existent chaos becomes very real. I realize this and often go to my husband, the Word, or a trusted friend to make sure I am thinking right. It is very difficult to discern this for myself. Thankfully, the people I work with at church understand and listen to me then help me sort it out. Otherwise, I would be a burden to them also.
God is slowing that reaction down and I feel a sense of relief as long as the tensions of deadlines do not press me. I need time to be studying scripture, praying and talking to fellow Christians. I really don't think cancer has much to do with it. We all need that.
Thank you for your prayers and interest. I often get notes and emails just when I need them. You are a constant support to me as God uses you to enhance my life. I am a very blessed person. Please continue to pray for healing. God has not chosen that path yet but He may. Also, pray that my mind will stay clear and that the tumors will stay inactive. I would like to know what is going on in your life. You are of concern to me or I would not be sending this out to you. Please write and let me know how I can pray for you.
All my love, Marj.
Today, we are enjoying a warm fall day. Warm, meaning the high was about eighty degrees and that only lasted about an hour. The morning started at about 45 degrees. The days are short so it is all the sun can do to create a warm day this time of year. This is not my favorite time. I love the summer; the days are long and hot. There is time to work and time to rest. In the fall, you must work cold and not take a rest because you will run out of day.
However, my yard loves the fall. The roses are in bloom all around the yard. With more than a hundred, I would guess that at least eighty of them have beautiful blooms right now. The blooms last longer and are not fried by the heat. I can see the color schemes planned when I planted them and it makes me happy. Mixed with the sensation of extravagant color is the steady beauty of the lawn. Deep green and well manicured, it lends a sense of peace and keeps the rabbits busy so that they don't munch on the roses.
Our front yard is one lavishness we have allowed ourselves. It is functional, beautiful, and easy to maintain. It has cost us much time to achieve but each day as I sit in the office I can look out and see life at its best. I really find great joy just seeing God's creation before me.
My life right now is similar to the front yard. I am in a quiet flourishing time. More than a month ago, we stopped the chemotherapy to allow my bone marrow to rebuild. The heat of the Cytoxin has ended and my body has moved into its fall season. The blood is rebuilding and the tumors are not growing at a worrisome rate. It is a good time physically, cool nights and warm days. Time to rebuild physically and mentally.
There is a problem with such a sweet time as this. It is easy to try to stand on your own two feet and forget how you are supported. I don't know why it is, but as soon as life becomes easy, God becomes less and I become more. I hate this and fight constantly so that does not happen, yet, it does. God, however, knows my tendency and works to keep me close.
Positively, He has me teaching a bible study right now. I considered not doing this in the fall because it is a busy time and women have to give to their family rather than a study. God saw the need, not only for the women in the study but also for me. It takes many hours a week to bring a good study to these ladies each week. That effort keeps me close to God. The ladies are very bright women who challenge and question quickly. This also keeps me searching for the truth of God's word. This study has been very positive for me and I find that God obviously orchestrated it for the fall season of this disease.
Negatively, though maybe positively, the change in drugs has left me emotional. That makes everything seem like it's under a magnifying glass. Small things become big and non- existent chaos becomes very real. I realize this and often go to my husband, the Word, or a trusted friend to make sure I am thinking right. It is very difficult to discern this for myself. Thankfully, the people I work with at church understand and listen to me then help me sort it out. Otherwise, I would be a burden to them also.
God is slowing that reaction down and I feel a sense of relief as long as the tensions of deadlines do not press me. I need time to be studying scripture, praying and talking to fellow Christians. I really don't think cancer has much to do with it. We all need that.
Thank you for your prayers and interest. I often get notes and emails just when I need them. You are a constant support to me as God uses you to enhance my life. I am a very blessed person. Please continue to pray for healing. God has not chosen that path yet but He may. Also, pray that my mind will stay clear and that the tumors will stay inactive. I would like to know what is going on in your life. You are of concern to me or I would not be sending this out to you. Please write and let me know how I can pray for you.
All my love, Marj.
Grasping for Grace - August 8, 2009
To My Dear Friends:
There are three images or thoughts in my mind: one is a certain Christmas, another is a vine and a worm, and the third is a barren fig tree.
My leaner years were those as a kid. Our parents tried to provide but always, there were hard decisions for them to make. Christmas was extremely difficult because as kids, we wanted stuff and as parents, they could not provide. By the time I was ten I knew that there would be one present, maybe a small trinket, and a stocking with four or five nuts, some fruit, and a little toy. That was fine. I really did not want for more.
One particular Christmas, when I was ten, we all came downstairs and received our stockings. Then my dad handed out the big present. After they were all handed out, my mother realized that I had no presents. She talked with my dad quietly in the kitchen then came back in and my dad took a small lantern off the mantle and presented it to me. He said that Santa had left it especially for me. It was neither wrapped nor tagged and I knew that it was something he had given my mother who loved old time oil lamps.
I cherished that lamp and kept it for over 20 years. I was in my late 30's when the lamp was finally broken and that part of my past moved into the memory bank of my mind, but as you can see, I still recall the event.
My husband once asked me why I kept moving such a worthless item, always taking care to see that it was not broken and yet never lighting it or even filling it with oil. I explained that it was a gift I never wanted nor was ever intended for me, but that after receiving it, it became of gift of love far beyond its value. I know that the lamp was given to my mother, probably by my dad. She loved old looking lamps and they had probably traded gifts the night before when they set out our presents. To know that my mother cared enough to give me her present even if it was inappropriate for a boisterous ten year old made it exactly the right thing. From it, I learned a lot about giving and gifts. Later when the world got a little more commercial and we were asked to make lists, I refused. I wasn't trying to be obstinate, I just understood that it wasn't about the item; it was about the reason for giving. I didn't want to taint the gift with my own desires.
Now, as I look at this gift of cancer, I don't especially like it. It drains me daily, both physically and emotionally. What it does do, that I like very much, is turn me to Christ all the time. For that, I am grateful even if I think the gift would have better been avoided.
Then there is the vine and the worm. After the prophet Jonah finally made it to Ninevah, the Ninevites listened to his message and repented. Jonah was angry that God would have compassion on such a hateful people so he went up to the top of a mountain overlooking the city and waited for God to destroy it. God felt sorry for Jonah, in spite of his attitude, and created a vine to give him shade. Jonah was happy about the vine. The next day, God created a worm to eat the vine. Jonah became very angry with God for killing the vine as it had provided shade for him while he waited to see the entire city destroyed. God asked Jonah how he could balance his anger for losing the vine with not being angry if an entire city was lost. Jonah never seemed to understand the grace God had provided. The story ends with a bitter man sitting on the side of a hill wishing to die.
Jonah completely missed the grace of God because he had his eyes fixed on what he wanted and not on what God wanted. He would not have been in the blazing sun had he not hoped that God would rescind His grace on Ninevah and destroy it as Jonah wished. Had Jonah understood the grace of the vine to cover his hot head and repented of his hardened heart, God would not have sent the worm to kill the vine.
This image is very frightening to me. It is so easy for me to question God's will. I pray for God's will, but I hope that it goes along with mine. I know that to be in His will is best for me, but it is hard to accept that His will for me is to continue in this cancer. If I fight His will then I will lose the blessing that He has in store for me. I do not want that.
Like Jonah, there are times when I am sitting on my mountain, angry with God for the decision He has made for me. This often comes when I see stories of others being healed. Lately, I have been bombarded by such stories in newsletters, radio messages, or personal testimonies. My initial response is to praise God for His grace for those people. Then I get on my mountain and ask why he hasn't done so for me.
Dozen's have given me possible answers as to why I have not been healed, but it all comes down to one thing. It is not God's will to heal me. That's a little hard to take. Therefore, my prayer continues to be for healing, but more for grace to accept that God is sovereign and He knows what is right for me. Truly, a lot of healing has gone on. Healing that I don't always look at because I am busy looking at what has not been healed. In reality, I am a miracle and my doctors use me to keep new doctors hoping for the better. God has been very good to me. He has provided the vine, but has not sent the worm.
A third image comes from Habakkuk:
"Fig trees may no longer bloom, or vineyards produce grapes; olive trees may be fruitless, and harvest time a failure; sheep pens may be empty, and cattle stalls vacant, but I will still celebrate because the LORD God saves me. The LORD gives me strength. He makes my feet as sure as those of a deer, and he helps me stand on the mountains. (Hab. 3:17-18)
This psalm from Habakkuk is about praising the Lord regardless of our circumstances. He has just predicted the fall of many nations including Judah. Yet, God is worthy of praise. Not because of what He has done for us, but because of who He is. God, the Creator, and Savior of the world. The One who holds every life preciously away from the brink of disaster is worthy of our praise at all times.
Tiny little person that I am, I cannot sit in judgment of His actions. I may question His actions, and for some reason He allows this, but I cannot judge them. He has a reason for the course of action He has taken in my life. My responsibility is to praise Him. I must give Him the glory He is due and worship Him no matter the circumstance.
This gift of cancer is like the lamp on the mantle. Given out of love and intended to heal a part of me broken by the world. It is also to teach me grace for those less fortunate than I. Those who do not have a God to love or to praise. In addition, it is to bring a song of praise to my lips in any circumstance. I pray for fulfillment of that gift, for truly I am not there yet.
I pray for the same things in your life. God is doing similar things for you. He has gifts for you that don't seem to fit. However, He can use them to bring you closer to Him. I pray that for each of you. Thank you so much for your prayers for me.
All my Love, Marj.
There are three images or thoughts in my mind: one is a certain Christmas, another is a vine and a worm, and the third is a barren fig tree.
My leaner years were those as a kid. Our parents tried to provide but always, there were hard decisions for them to make. Christmas was extremely difficult because as kids, we wanted stuff and as parents, they could not provide. By the time I was ten I knew that there would be one present, maybe a small trinket, and a stocking with four or five nuts, some fruit, and a little toy. That was fine. I really did not want for more.
One particular Christmas, when I was ten, we all came downstairs and received our stockings. Then my dad handed out the big present. After they were all handed out, my mother realized that I had no presents. She talked with my dad quietly in the kitchen then came back in and my dad took a small lantern off the mantle and presented it to me. He said that Santa had left it especially for me. It was neither wrapped nor tagged and I knew that it was something he had given my mother who loved old time oil lamps.
I cherished that lamp and kept it for over 20 years. I was in my late 30's when the lamp was finally broken and that part of my past moved into the memory bank of my mind, but as you can see, I still recall the event.
My husband once asked me why I kept moving such a worthless item, always taking care to see that it was not broken and yet never lighting it or even filling it with oil. I explained that it was a gift I never wanted nor was ever intended for me, but that after receiving it, it became of gift of love far beyond its value. I know that the lamp was given to my mother, probably by my dad. She loved old looking lamps and they had probably traded gifts the night before when they set out our presents. To know that my mother cared enough to give me her present even if it was inappropriate for a boisterous ten year old made it exactly the right thing. From it, I learned a lot about giving and gifts. Later when the world got a little more commercial and we were asked to make lists, I refused. I wasn't trying to be obstinate, I just understood that it wasn't about the item; it was about the reason for giving. I didn't want to taint the gift with my own desires.
Now, as I look at this gift of cancer, I don't especially like it. It drains me daily, both physically and emotionally. What it does do, that I like very much, is turn me to Christ all the time. For that, I am grateful even if I think the gift would have better been avoided.
Then there is the vine and the worm. After the prophet Jonah finally made it to Ninevah, the Ninevites listened to his message and repented. Jonah was angry that God would have compassion on such a hateful people so he went up to the top of a mountain overlooking the city and waited for God to destroy it. God felt sorry for Jonah, in spite of his attitude, and created a vine to give him shade. Jonah was happy about the vine. The next day, God created a worm to eat the vine. Jonah became very angry with God for killing the vine as it had provided shade for him while he waited to see the entire city destroyed. God asked Jonah how he could balance his anger for losing the vine with not being angry if an entire city was lost. Jonah never seemed to understand the grace God had provided. The story ends with a bitter man sitting on the side of a hill wishing to die.
Jonah completely missed the grace of God because he had his eyes fixed on what he wanted and not on what God wanted. He would not have been in the blazing sun had he not hoped that God would rescind His grace on Ninevah and destroy it as Jonah wished. Had Jonah understood the grace of the vine to cover his hot head and repented of his hardened heart, God would not have sent the worm to kill the vine.
This image is very frightening to me. It is so easy for me to question God's will. I pray for God's will, but I hope that it goes along with mine. I know that to be in His will is best for me, but it is hard to accept that His will for me is to continue in this cancer. If I fight His will then I will lose the blessing that He has in store for me. I do not want that.
Like Jonah, there are times when I am sitting on my mountain, angry with God for the decision He has made for me. This often comes when I see stories of others being healed. Lately, I have been bombarded by such stories in newsletters, radio messages, or personal testimonies. My initial response is to praise God for His grace for those people. Then I get on my mountain and ask why he hasn't done so for me.
Dozen's have given me possible answers as to why I have not been healed, but it all comes down to one thing. It is not God's will to heal me. That's a little hard to take. Therefore, my prayer continues to be for healing, but more for grace to accept that God is sovereign and He knows what is right for me. Truly, a lot of healing has gone on. Healing that I don't always look at because I am busy looking at what has not been healed. In reality, I am a miracle and my doctors use me to keep new doctors hoping for the better. God has been very good to me. He has provided the vine, but has not sent the worm.
A third image comes from Habakkuk:
"Fig trees may no longer bloom, or vineyards produce grapes; olive trees may be fruitless, and harvest time a failure; sheep pens may be empty, and cattle stalls vacant, but I will still celebrate because the LORD God saves me. The LORD gives me strength. He makes my feet as sure as those of a deer, and he helps me stand on the mountains. (Hab. 3:17-18)
This psalm from Habakkuk is about praising the Lord regardless of our circumstances. He has just predicted the fall of many nations including Judah. Yet, God is worthy of praise. Not because of what He has done for us, but because of who He is. God, the Creator, and Savior of the world. The One who holds every life preciously away from the brink of disaster is worthy of our praise at all times.
Tiny little person that I am, I cannot sit in judgment of His actions. I may question His actions, and for some reason He allows this, but I cannot judge them. He has a reason for the course of action He has taken in my life. My responsibility is to praise Him. I must give Him the glory He is due and worship Him no matter the circumstance.
This gift of cancer is like the lamp on the mantle. Given out of love and intended to heal a part of me broken by the world. It is also to teach me grace for those less fortunate than I. Those who do not have a God to love or to praise. In addition, it is to bring a song of praise to my lips in any circumstance. I pray for fulfillment of that gift, for truly I am not there yet.
I pray for the same things in your life. God is doing similar things for you. He has gifts for you that don't seem to fit. However, He can use them to bring you closer to Him. I pray that for each of you. Thank you so much for your prayers for me.
All my Love, Marj.
Watch Out! - July 25, 2009
To my dear friends:
Sometimes vulnerability sneaks up and bites you just when you thought you were the strongest. When I was in my early teens, two men in our church were sexual predators. I was a target of theirs and was often caught by them. I thought I had learned to stay out of their clutches staying with the group and not running errands that removed me from the public eye. At that time, we had a church softball team on which I played. I always loved softball. I was good at it and it made me feel strong, successful, and useful. Even though I was a small girl, I could hit well and throw much better than many of the men. I was respected for my skills. I always felt safe there. One day, while at a park, playing another church, I needed a drink. I dashed off for the drinking fountain while we were up to bat. As I turned the corner, one of the predators was there. He grabbed me. Afterwards, he released me to return to the game. It took a long time for softball to be fun again.
Thankfully, it did become fun again but certainly not that day. I felt vulnerable and sad. I was not safe and certainly not strong: just wounded and betrayed.
I have felt very comfortable with this cancer for quite a while. It has its bad points, like fatigue and a frequent sick stomach, but overall it's not causing me a lot of grief. The tumors are shrinking and it seems that the direction is positive.
Wednesday's blood test showed that my hemoglobin had dropped severely. When my hemoglobin gets low because of the chemotherapy, I often need a couple units of blood to keep going, so Friday I went in for a blood transfusion. All of a sudden, the vulnerability came rushing to the surface. The hidden things that lurk around the corners seemed to be fully visible: I have a terrible disease!
This chemo is killing the tumors, that's true; it is also killing the bone marrow, the blood cells, skin cells, and hair cells. One cannot do this forever. Giving me more blood rejuvenates me for a little while but it does not take care of the body's inability to manufacture new cells. There is great loss all the time in this silent war.
I often forget that, I just go on as if all is well and on the outside, all is well. I am doing what I want to do and keeping myself quite busy. God and I have some wonderful conversations and I am enjoying my time working at the church and for the church. Lee and I have just had a wonderful vacation and are working around the house in the never-ending projects. This makes me think that all is well. Many times, I am gently reminded as I gasp at the top of stairs, or melt in the violent rays of our summer sun, that I am not truly well, but mostly, I think I am normal.
Eventually a drop in hemoglobin brings me back to reality. Six hours spent in the infusion center at City of Hope and four hours travel time is just a blip in reality, but it makes me feel vulnerable and sad. Like the softball game, I feel invaded.
God, however, knows how to make me feel okay even in the midst of these memories. Today, He gave me a nurse who really cared. That's not unusual at City of Hope, but this one was a Christian and just to know that she understood the same things I understood and prayed to the only true God made it so much better. It was a breath of fresh air on a long day. I know we talked too long but even though we had never met before, our mutual love for Christ became a friendship and soon we were sharing like old friends. Though she does not have cancer, she sees much more than I do as an oncology nurse. Her insights woven with Christian love made it seem so much sweeter. She was a gift for the day sent especially by God to help me. At this moment, I am strong and ready to work. I have almost the same amount of red blood cells as the rest of you and that is a good feeling. I am blessed.
Thank you for your prayers. I hear from many of you and it always makes me feel good to know that this blog helps others. If you have friends that need to read them, please pass them on. They are intended for all to read, you have my permission and encouragement. I am praying for you so please let me know what your needs are and how I can better pray for you.
Love, Marj.
Sometimes vulnerability sneaks up and bites you just when you thought you were the strongest. When I was in my early teens, two men in our church were sexual predators. I was a target of theirs and was often caught by them. I thought I had learned to stay out of their clutches staying with the group and not running errands that removed me from the public eye. At that time, we had a church softball team on which I played. I always loved softball. I was good at it and it made me feel strong, successful, and useful. Even though I was a small girl, I could hit well and throw much better than many of the men. I was respected for my skills. I always felt safe there. One day, while at a park, playing another church, I needed a drink. I dashed off for the drinking fountain while we were up to bat. As I turned the corner, one of the predators was there. He grabbed me. Afterwards, he released me to return to the game. It took a long time for softball to be fun again.
Thankfully, it did become fun again but certainly not that day. I felt vulnerable and sad. I was not safe and certainly not strong: just wounded and betrayed.
I have felt very comfortable with this cancer for quite a while. It has its bad points, like fatigue and a frequent sick stomach, but overall it's not causing me a lot of grief. The tumors are shrinking and it seems that the direction is positive.
Wednesday's blood test showed that my hemoglobin had dropped severely. When my hemoglobin gets low because of the chemotherapy, I often need a couple units of blood to keep going, so Friday I went in for a blood transfusion. All of a sudden, the vulnerability came rushing to the surface. The hidden things that lurk around the corners seemed to be fully visible: I have a terrible disease!
This chemo is killing the tumors, that's true; it is also killing the bone marrow, the blood cells, skin cells, and hair cells. One cannot do this forever. Giving me more blood rejuvenates me for a little while but it does not take care of the body's inability to manufacture new cells. There is great loss all the time in this silent war.
I often forget that, I just go on as if all is well and on the outside, all is well. I am doing what I want to do and keeping myself quite busy. God and I have some wonderful conversations and I am enjoying my time working at the church and for the church. Lee and I have just had a wonderful vacation and are working around the house in the never-ending projects. This makes me think that all is well. Many times, I am gently reminded as I gasp at the top of stairs, or melt in the violent rays of our summer sun, that I am not truly well, but mostly, I think I am normal.
Eventually a drop in hemoglobin brings me back to reality. Six hours spent in the infusion center at City of Hope and four hours travel time is just a blip in reality, but it makes me feel vulnerable and sad. Like the softball game, I feel invaded.
God, however, knows how to make me feel okay even in the midst of these memories. Today, He gave me a nurse who really cared. That's not unusual at City of Hope, but this one was a Christian and just to know that she understood the same things I understood and prayed to the only true God made it so much better. It was a breath of fresh air on a long day. I know we talked too long but even though we had never met before, our mutual love for Christ became a friendship and soon we were sharing like old friends. Though she does not have cancer, she sees much more than I do as an oncology nurse. Her insights woven with Christian love made it seem so much sweeter. She was a gift for the day sent especially by God to help me. At this moment, I am strong and ready to work. I have almost the same amount of red blood cells as the rest of you and that is a good feeling. I am blessed.
Thank you for your prayers. I hear from many of you and it always makes me feel good to know that this blog helps others. If you have friends that need to read them, please pass them on. They are intended for all to read, you have my permission and encouragement. I am praying for you so please let me know what your needs are and how I can better pray for you.
Love, Marj.
On the Road - June 19, 2009
We are on the road today, starting a camping vacation to Colorado and Kansas. As I sat down in the van to pray before we left, tears of gratitude and comfort welled up as I realized the enormity of the miracle of my being able to make this trip. Very few people vacation in Kansas yet for us it has been a usual trek since 1997. Every year we would leave about this time and head for Garfield, Kansas to help our friend bring in his wheat. In 2005, on the return from that trip is when this cancer first reared its ugly head. Since then we have only been able to return once.
As we began to prepare, I was struck with the realization that it took more time to set up my drugs than I need for clothes, bedding, or any other needs. I spent the week lamenting that. I remember, when I was young with a twenty-pound pack filled with two changes of clothes and two day's meals, I would drive to a National Park and stay for weeks. Or the one-hour pack up which included my motorcycle, food, and gear to head for a desert camp and race for a week. How free that time seemed and how tied I now am to routines, doctors and medical requirements.
Now I was in the van, all the preparation done and grateful. Grateful that I could even go, that I am here and that the man holding my hand in prayer loves the same God I love and is sitting beside me. I looked back at the house and thought, “if this is not here when we return, it doesn’t really matter, all I need is with me now.”
As we began to start across the desert on an unusually calm and overcast day, I looked out at familiar places; Harper Road, where during a race, we were stretched to the breaking point to make it to the next stop. The beautiful mountains fifty to seventy miles distant with large billowing clouds covering their peaks. The different kinds of plants that make this desert gorgeous, and yet, stark. I love it so much. Here is a place that matches me perfectly. It is not beautiful, but is very complex. It has a nature of its own and will not be changed by man. It is rugged and yet there is a calming quality because of the sameness that accompanies that ruggedness. I am someone who truly loves the desert.
A friend asked me one time why I loved the desert and I told him, “Because the desert doesn’t lie.” I think I confused him, but I have lived here for 30 years and I have always understood it. Hot is hot and cold is cold. When the wind blows the trees bend, there is no such thing as a breeze. It is also true to itself. Make a road in the desert and leave it for two years and it will be gone. Maintaining our yard is simply fighting back for the land we have taken from this great desert. If my friends were all this clear, this honest, life would be quite simple. If I were this simple and this honest, I would like myself much more.
So today, we spent the whole day crossing the desert. As we did, the plant life changed from Sand bush and Sage to Pinion Pine and Acacia trees. The gravelly desert we live in turned to sand as we went east and then to lava rock and finally became the red rock of the limestone that begins the transition to the Arizona mountains. Oh, the variety and miracle of the world the Lord has given us. I have really missed this drive.
I am so amazed that we are here. The week before, we saw our oncologist and I had a CT scan. There continues to be just as many tumors as before but if you look at them carefully, you note that most are shrinking. Some are quite stubborn and refuse to shrink, but they are not growing either. The very fact that I am here to witness this beautiful country is a miracle. I do not underestimate the marvelous thing that God has done through the skill of my oncologist and surgeons.
Physically being here is important, but what God has done changes the way I see everything. He has given me eternal eyes. I never want to go back. I see things here as temporary and that is good. Each thing is a gift to be enjoyed while I have the chance to use it, see it, or experience it. Like all gifts, I do not know how long it will be mine so I need to cherish it for the time that I have it. That sense of impermanence allows me to relax and just enjoy. I am no longer attached to this world, not in the sense that I dread death.
I know that the only permanent thing is Heaven. I will be there one day and so will my husband and those I really enjoy being around. For the first time in my life, I am looking forward to the Rapture. I don’t mind dying before my friends but I really don’t want to leave my husband alone and I don’t want him to leave me. Therefore, the only solution is the Rapture. How good that will be. To leave this earth, with people of like faith, and rise to meet our Savior in the air, turning in the process, to see my husband with me and my friends rising also, this is my joy.
Oh, how I hope you will be there. I pray for that. I pray that if you are not a believer that you will find this hope that so guides my life. I pray that your eyes will become eternal. You will learn to love the temporariness of this world and seek to know Christ as your Savior. You are such an important link in my life. You have prayed me through so many surgeries and chemotherapies in the last four years. Some of you I do not even know, but I love you. Please continue to pray, as I pray for you. We all need the prayers of others. God is listening and He is answering. Trust Him.
Your friend, Marj
As we began to prepare, I was struck with the realization that it took more time to set up my drugs than I need for clothes, bedding, or any other needs. I spent the week lamenting that. I remember, when I was young with a twenty-pound pack filled with two changes of clothes and two day's meals, I would drive to a National Park and stay for weeks. Or the one-hour pack up which included my motorcycle, food, and gear to head for a desert camp and race for a week. How free that time seemed and how tied I now am to routines, doctors and medical requirements.
Now I was in the van, all the preparation done and grateful. Grateful that I could even go, that I am here and that the man holding my hand in prayer loves the same God I love and is sitting beside me. I looked back at the house and thought, “if this is not here when we return, it doesn’t really matter, all I need is with me now.”
As we began to start across the desert on an unusually calm and overcast day, I looked out at familiar places; Harper Road, where during a race, we were stretched to the breaking point to make it to the next stop. The beautiful mountains fifty to seventy miles distant with large billowing clouds covering their peaks. The different kinds of plants that make this desert gorgeous, and yet, stark. I love it so much. Here is a place that matches me perfectly. It is not beautiful, but is very complex. It has a nature of its own and will not be changed by man. It is rugged and yet there is a calming quality because of the sameness that accompanies that ruggedness. I am someone who truly loves the desert.
A friend asked me one time why I loved the desert and I told him, “Because the desert doesn’t lie.” I think I confused him, but I have lived here for 30 years and I have always understood it. Hot is hot and cold is cold. When the wind blows the trees bend, there is no such thing as a breeze. It is also true to itself. Make a road in the desert and leave it for two years and it will be gone. Maintaining our yard is simply fighting back for the land we have taken from this great desert. If my friends were all this clear, this honest, life would be quite simple. If I were this simple and this honest, I would like myself much more.
So today, we spent the whole day crossing the desert. As we did, the plant life changed from Sand bush and Sage to Pinion Pine and Acacia trees. The gravelly desert we live in turned to sand as we went east and then to lava rock and finally became the red rock of the limestone that begins the transition to the Arizona mountains. Oh, the variety and miracle of the world the Lord has given us. I have really missed this drive.
I am so amazed that we are here. The week before, we saw our oncologist and I had a CT scan. There continues to be just as many tumors as before but if you look at them carefully, you note that most are shrinking. Some are quite stubborn and refuse to shrink, but they are not growing either. The very fact that I am here to witness this beautiful country is a miracle. I do not underestimate the marvelous thing that God has done through the skill of my oncologist and surgeons.
Physically being here is important, but what God has done changes the way I see everything. He has given me eternal eyes. I never want to go back. I see things here as temporary and that is good. Each thing is a gift to be enjoyed while I have the chance to use it, see it, or experience it. Like all gifts, I do not know how long it will be mine so I need to cherish it for the time that I have it. That sense of impermanence allows me to relax and just enjoy. I am no longer attached to this world, not in the sense that I dread death.
I know that the only permanent thing is Heaven. I will be there one day and so will my husband and those I really enjoy being around. For the first time in my life, I am looking forward to the Rapture. I don’t mind dying before my friends but I really don’t want to leave my husband alone and I don’t want him to leave me. Therefore, the only solution is the Rapture. How good that will be. To leave this earth, with people of like faith, and rise to meet our Savior in the air, turning in the process, to see my husband with me and my friends rising also, this is my joy.
Oh, how I hope you will be there. I pray for that. I pray that if you are not a believer that you will find this hope that so guides my life. I pray that your eyes will become eternal. You will learn to love the temporariness of this world and seek to know Christ as your Savior. You are such an important link in my life. You have prayed me through so many surgeries and chemotherapies in the last four years. Some of you I do not even know, but I love you. Please continue to pray, as I pray for you. We all need the prayers of others. God is listening and He is answering. Trust Him.
Your friend, Marj
Love One Another - May 16, 2009
To my dear friends:
My husband, Lee, and I just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. It is not that unusual for a couple to stay together for this long. We know many couples that have been together far longer. We married late, I in my 30's and Lee in his 40's. We were both independent people and very career oriented, neither looking to "nest" and make a house a home. Lee was in love with me in the eros (romantic) sense of the word and I was in love with him in the phileo (friendship) sense of the word. Alas, this is not enough to make a truly successful marriage. I often envision the thoughts of Reverend Lee Truman as he performed our marriage ceremony in the middle of the desert at 2am. I doubt he would have bet more than a tank of gas on the entire marriage making it two years.
What is it that makes a good marriage, excellent relationship, or deep religious experience? I think these three go together because they have the same root needs, but are simply played out on different stages. The root of all these is love coupled with truth. This is the embodiment of Christ. Christ confused many people. In Him, humanity saw what it was like to truly love and understand at the same time. Jesus was able to completely understand man, and yet have unconditional love for us at the same time. A love that sent Him to the cross for the sins He never committed. In our English language, love is a single word used to describe many emotions. We each use the word to mean what we feel, but it is often interpreted by the other by what they feel.
The Greek language of the Bible used several words for love. Our lack of a clear definition of the kind of love we have makes for much confusion in relationships, marriage, and our spirituality. Christ loved us with agape love, an unconditional, all encompassing, selfless love. When we show love to a friend it is phileo love in that it is a friendship, which may be selfless, but is rarely unconditional and never all encompassing. A marriage must include romantic love, which is eros love, but to become successful it will need to also have phileo and finally turn to agape love.
How does a marriage get to that point? I find in my own marriage that it has come through truth. When two people marry, they know very little about one another. Dating, conversations and mutual experiences can only point to some of what each of us is. In the case of Lee and I, we dated for a very short time, most of our conversations were on the phone, and there were few mutual experiences since we came from completely different backgrounds and even eras of history. We are a half generation apart and therefore much of our lives were lived looking at the same events from very different places. It took a long time for each of us to give up the independence of our lives and share ourselves with each other. Phileo and eros love were developing, but agape love was far from our lives.
It is interesting that Lee came closer to agape or unconditional love first. I think that he has always been quick to give his heart away and the move seemed natural even when he did not completely know me. I took much more time and had to have the love of Christ before I was able to love in such a selfless manner. That was many years into our marriage.
Lee and I had been married for eight years when I realized that Christ died on a cross to pay the penalty of my sins. This was the first time that I heard this message in a personal form. I had grown up understanding the sacrifice of Christ for the world, but I did not understand that it was for me. When you encounter such love, there is no other response but to love back. Nevertheless, even that love was a friendship love. There were conditions, negotiations and a very shallow knowledge. However, that love made me hungry to know the Christ that would do such a thing. I started to study with fervor. The more I knew, the more I loved this Christ. I saw the love He had poured out on me. The times He had miraculously intervened in my life and the deep care, He has for each of us. The truth turned my phileo love into agape love. I now understood how to love.
Nevertheless, that did not make it easier to love my husband with that kind of love. I just knew it was possible within me. I needed to change in so many ways. I first needed to study my husband as I had studied Christ. There were no books about him so I had to listen, digest, and interact with him. I learned to trust him with the thoughts and ideas that were in my head, something I had never done. In several years, probably around fifteen, we were approaching the kind of love Christ meant marriage to be.
Lee became a Christian and began to understand the love of Christ also. This enhanced our relationship and I would have said that we had a very good marriage. Sometime later, I got cancer. The phrase, "for better or worse" was beginning to surface. God had given us the groundwork and now He began to cement an unbreakable relationship.
In the four years, that we have lived with this cancer it has always been our disease. The physical effects are in my body, but everything else is in both of us. We hurt together. Lee goes through as much, if not more, emotional turmoil in times of crises then I do. We both live through each treatment, every scan, every surgery, and every turn of events. We have lain in bed many nights and just talked about our lives, our beliefs, and desires for the future. We have cried over the potential loss and praised God for the gains this cancer has brought about. There is nothing hidden from each other.
This is marriage; truth combined with unconditional love. It is an image of what Christ is. He instituted marriage to show us the relationship He has with us and to model the relationship of the church to Christ. Lee and I never tire of talking about our lives before we met, or what we are thinking right now. We never tire of learning about Christ and how we are to live for Him. It is an act of worship.
As I am able, I go out and visit with people who have been active in the church to some extent, but are no longer involved. As I listen to their stories, I am saddened by the loss that they don't even know they have. They never really knew Christ. They caught the vision. They saw the sacrifice of Christ but they didn't understand the mutuality of that relationship. He knows them so well and yet He loves them despite their flaws, unconditionally. They know very little about Him and have lost interest. A deep abiding love relationship that will carry them through everything has been lost because they didn't pursue it. Many times, it is not all their fault. No one helped them see how they could pursue the relationship. Other times, it was too hard or got in the way of the life they were living.
I shudder to think of how I could have dealt with this cancer if the relationship between Christ and me had not been mature. I know that had I not had a solid relationship with Lee, I would have been extremely despondent. Both these relationships have been a gift and have been strengthened through dealing with cancer. Without these two relationships, the cancer would have quickly taken me to an emotional place that would have never let me survive. The two relationships intertwine and create a triangle that cannot be broken, even by cancer. I am so grateful for the gift of love. God has shown Lee and me something very precious; we have lived it and will continue.
I know that many of you pray for my health. I thank you so much for that. The chemotherapy I am taking now seems to be working on my tumors at a maintenance level to keep me from greater health issues. My life is fairly normal. Continue to pray that this drug does not become too toxic and that God will extend my life to whatever limits He sees fit. Praise God for the life that Lee and I have together, it is exceptional and could only come from God. I often pray for you and know that you are praying for us. It all helps.
All my love
Marj.
My husband, Lee, and I just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. It is not that unusual for a couple to stay together for this long. We know many couples that have been together far longer. We married late, I in my 30's and Lee in his 40's. We were both independent people and very career oriented, neither looking to "nest" and make a house a home. Lee was in love with me in the eros (romantic) sense of the word and I was in love with him in the phileo (friendship) sense of the word. Alas, this is not enough to make a truly successful marriage. I often envision the thoughts of Reverend Lee Truman as he performed our marriage ceremony in the middle of the desert at 2am. I doubt he would have bet more than a tank of gas on the entire marriage making it two years.
What is it that makes a good marriage, excellent relationship, or deep religious experience? I think these three go together because they have the same root needs, but are simply played out on different stages. The root of all these is love coupled with truth. This is the embodiment of Christ. Christ confused many people. In Him, humanity saw what it was like to truly love and understand at the same time. Jesus was able to completely understand man, and yet have unconditional love for us at the same time. A love that sent Him to the cross for the sins He never committed. In our English language, love is a single word used to describe many emotions. We each use the word to mean what we feel, but it is often interpreted by the other by what they feel.
The Greek language of the Bible used several words for love. Our lack of a clear definition of the kind of love we have makes for much confusion in relationships, marriage, and our spirituality. Christ loved us with agape love, an unconditional, all encompassing, selfless love. When we show love to a friend it is phileo love in that it is a friendship, which may be selfless, but is rarely unconditional and never all encompassing. A marriage must include romantic love, which is eros love, but to become successful it will need to also have phileo and finally turn to agape love.
How does a marriage get to that point? I find in my own marriage that it has come through truth. When two people marry, they know very little about one another. Dating, conversations and mutual experiences can only point to some of what each of us is. In the case of Lee and I, we dated for a very short time, most of our conversations were on the phone, and there were few mutual experiences since we came from completely different backgrounds and even eras of history. We are a half generation apart and therefore much of our lives were lived looking at the same events from very different places. It took a long time for each of us to give up the independence of our lives and share ourselves with each other. Phileo and eros love were developing, but agape love was far from our lives.
It is interesting that Lee came closer to agape or unconditional love first. I think that he has always been quick to give his heart away and the move seemed natural even when he did not completely know me. I took much more time and had to have the love of Christ before I was able to love in such a selfless manner. That was many years into our marriage.
Lee and I had been married for eight years when I realized that Christ died on a cross to pay the penalty of my sins. This was the first time that I heard this message in a personal form. I had grown up understanding the sacrifice of Christ for the world, but I did not understand that it was for me. When you encounter such love, there is no other response but to love back. Nevertheless, even that love was a friendship love. There were conditions, negotiations and a very shallow knowledge. However, that love made me hungry to know the Christ that would do such a thing. I started to study with fervor. The more I knew, the more I loved this Christ. I saw the love He had poured out on me. The times He had miraculously intervened in my life and the deep care, He has for each of us. The truth turned my phileo love into agape love. I now understood how to love.
Nevertheless, that did not make it easier to love my husband with that kind of love. I just knew it was possible within me. I needed to change in so many ways. I first needed to study my husband as I had studied Christ. There were no books about him so I had to listen, digest, and interact with him. I learned to trust him with the thoughts and ideas that were in my head, something I had never done. In several years, probably around fifteen, we were approaching the kind of love Christ meant marriage to be.
Lee became a Christian and began to understand the love of Christ also. This enhanced our relationship and I would have said that we had a very good marriage. Sometime later, I got cancer. The phrase, "for better or worse" was beginning to surface. God had given us the groundwork and now He began to cement an unbreakable relationship.
In the four years, that we have lived with this cancer it has always been our disease. The physical effects are in my body, but everything else is in both of us. We hurt together. Lee goes through as much, if not more, emotional turmoil in times of crises then I do. We both live through each treatment, every scan, every surgery, and every turn of events. We have lain in bed many nights and just talked about our lives, our beliefs, and desires for the future. We have cried over the potential loss and praised God for the gains this cancer has brought about. There is nothing hidden from each other.
This is marriage; truth combined with unconditional love. It is an image of what Christ is. He instituted marriage to show us the relationship He has with us and to model the relationship of the church to Christ. Lee and I never tire of talking about our lives before we met, or what we are thinking right now. We never tire of learning about Christ and how we are to live for Him. It is an act of worship.
As I am able, I go out and visit with people who have been active in the church to some extent, but are no longer involved. As I listen to their stories, I am saddened by the loss that they don't even know they have. They never really knew Christ. They caught the vision. They saw the sacrifice of Christ but they didn't understand the mutuality of that relationship. He knows them so well and yet He loves them despite their flaws, unconditionally. They know very little about Him and have lost interest. A deep abiding love relationship that will carry them through everything has been lost because they didn't pursue it. Many times, it is not all their fault. No one helped them see how they could pursue the relationship. Other times, it was too hard or got in the way of the life they were living.
I shudder to think of how I could have dealt with this cancer if the relationship between Christ and me had not been mature. I know that had I not had a solid relationship with Lee, I would have been extremely despondent. Both these relationships have been a gift and have been strengthened through dealing with cancer. Without these two relationships, the cancer would have quickly taken me to an emotional place that would have never let me survive. The two relationships intertwine and create a triangle that cannot be broken, even by cancer. I am so grateful for the gift of love. God has shown Lee and me something very precious; we have lived it and will continue.
I know that many of you pray for my health. I thank you so much for that. The chemotherapy I am taking now seems to be working on my tumors at a maintenance level to keep me from greater health issues. My life is fairly normal. Continue to pray that this drug does not become too toxic and that God will extend my life to whatever limits He sees fit. Praise God for the life that Lee and I have together, it is exceptional and could only come from God. I often pray for you and know that you are praying for us. It all helps.
All my love
Marj.
What a Difference a Day Made - April 22, 2009
To My Dear Friends:
It is Easter Sunday and as I watched the musical "Raise the Crown" presented by our choir, listened to the message by our pastor, and sang praises to our Lord, I was driven to tears. There were several reasons for the tears; I was here, Christ died for me, some of the finest people I know were around me, the commitment of sixty some people to create a significant offering to Christ and our congregation. If those things don't humble me then I don't know what will.
Every time I sit in church, work at a project, discover something new, or enjoy the kids I tutor, I am awed by the fact that God has left me here on earth. It wasn't supposed to be that way. My diagnosis was a short sentence. It has been almost four years. There is the possibility of more years on the horizon. Not a day goes by that I don't realize that every day is a gift. I wake up in the morning excited to see the sun. I am frustrated when a day has been "wasted." I am alive and that gift was given for a reason. My job is to use it well. Easter, therefore, reminds me of the resurrection of my life.
Easter Sunday also reminds me of the resurrection of my soul. Some of you have only known me for a little while. You do not know what the others know. I am nothing like I used to be. Jesus changed everything. He took the good, my desire to serve and magnified it. He took the bad, my anger, control, and alcoholism and buried it only to rise as joy, submission, and peace. What good would it do to live longer in this world if I were not changed from the person I had been? Is it worth the time to live angry? However, I have been saved from that and, yes, it is worth the four years. In the overall picture, there are no bad days. Of course, I, or the events of living in this world, occasionally cause bad moments. The loss of friends to death or the hurt I see in those I love all seem hard, but the balance is far to the good. The peace comes from knowing that I will leave this world someday only to be in the arms of Christ. Then it will be all good. There will be no more cancer, tears, or lost friends. This is a peace to live by, and a peace to celebrate at Easter and every day.
Easter also allows me to spend time with many people of like mind; believers in Jesus Christ. There is something special about this group. We all have our little problems and some would call us hypocrites because we are also sinners. But many very busy people worked very hard to put together a musical. Not one was paid. They practiced in their cars as they drove to work. They went to rehearsal after rehearsal at the end of long days at work. Some moved risers, more than once. Others cleaned and decorated the sanctuary. Every act was a form of worship. Most of them were there an hour before the first service and were the last to leave after the second service. Why? Because they love Jesus Christ and find that this is a way they can serve Him. They are people of integrity. They make a commitment and are willing to see it come to fruition. In the back of every one of their minds is a prayer that the part they are playing in this day's events will lead someone to accept Christ as their savior. To me, this is a little glimpse of Heaven and I like it. I cannot think of any reason to miss church. I want to be there. That is where God shows Himself through His people. Easter is just bigger, but it happens every Sunday, every time God's people gather.
Easter, most importantly, is about the resurrection of Christ. What a magnificent event. It seems like it would be enough for God to become man. Or maybe enough that Jesus would become a sacrifice in our stead. Nevertheless, to prove to us that He had the right and power to be our God and our sacrifice, He conquered death, the terrible price we must pay for our sins. I know I am a sinner. I cannot get away from that. No matter how hard I try, sin abounds in me. Without the sacrifice of Christ on the cross, I would look at death as a rightful, but terrible, punishment for my life. However, Christ paid for that sin on the cross. He buried my sin, and yours, in the tomb. Three days later, He rose. Death was conquered by the God that conferred it in the Garden of Eden. No longer did man have to live under the presence of eternal damnation. I can't think of a better reason to celebrate. I am free. I can live knowing that, though my body will die, my soul will be in heaven. One day I will stand face to face with the risen Christ. What a celebration that will be! My heart explodes in gratitude and my soul lives in peace. Jesus Christ has risen and nothing will ever be the same.
My prayer for you is that your Easter was as fine as mine. I pray that you know what I am talking about. If you don't, find someone to ask. I will do, but there are many others. Do not live on this earth without Christ as your Savior. Make everyday a celebration. Know that you are here to serve a risen Savior. Trust that this world is fallen, but you can live apart from it. There is a place for you.
This cancer has taught me many lessons, but the most important has been to cherish the day and the people each day brings me. You are special people to me. I love you so much. Your prayers have brought me through all sorts of stuff. Today was never meant to be, but I am here. Praise God and praise you for your prayers.
All my love, Marj.
It is Easter Sunday and as I watched the musical "Raise the Crown" presented by our choir, listened to the message by our pastor, and sang praises to our Lord, I was driven to tears. There were several reasons for the tears; I was here, Christ died for me, some of the finest people I know were around me, the commitment of sixty some people to create a significant offering to Christ and our congregation. If those things don't humble me then I don't know what will.
Every time I sit in church, work at a project, discover something new, or enjoy the kids I tutor, I am awed by the fact that God has left me here on earth. It wasn't supposed to be that way. My diagnosis was a short sentence. It has been almost four years. There is the possibility of more years on the horizon. Not a day goes by that I don't realize that every day is a gift. I wake up in the morning excited to see the sun. I am frustrated when a day has been "wasted." I am alive and that gift was given for a reason. My job is to use it well. Easter, therefore, reminds me of the resurrection of my life.
Easter Sunday also reminds me of the resurrection of my soul. Some of you have only known me for a little while. You do not know what the others know. I am nothing like I used to be. Jesus changed everything. He took the good, my desire to serve and magnified it. He took the bad, my anger, control, and alcoholism and buried it only to rise as joy, submission, and peace. What good would it do to live longer in this world if I were not changed from the person I had been? Is it worth the time to live angry? However, I have been saved from that and, yes, it is worth the four years. In the overall picture, there are no bad days. Of course, I, or the events of living in this world, occasionally cause bad moments. The loss of friends to death or the hurt I see in those I love all seem hard, but the balance is far to the good. The peace comes from knowing that I will leave this world someday only to be in the arms of Christ. Then it will be all good. There will be no more cancer, tears, or lost friends. This is a peace to live by, and a peace to celebrate at Easter and every day.
Easter also allows me to spend time with many people of like mind; believers in Jesus Christ. There is something special about this group. We all have our little problems and some would call us hypocrites because we are also sinners. But many very busy people worked very hard to put together a musical. Not one was paid. They practiced in their cars as they drove to work. They went to rehearsal after rehearsal at the end of long days at work. Some moved risers, more than once. Others cleaned and decorated the sanctuary. Every act was a form of worship. Most of them were there an hour before the first service and were the last to leave after the second service. Why? Because they love Jesus Christ and find that this is a way they can serve Him. They are people of integrity. They make a commitment and are willing to see it come to fruition. In the back of every one of their minds is a prayer that the part they are playing in this day's events will lead someone to accept Christ as their savior. To me, this is a little glimpse of Heaven and I like it. I cannot think of any reason to miss church. I want to be there. That is where God shows Himself through His people. Easter is just bigger, but it happens every Sunday, every time God's people gather.
Easter, most importantly, is about the resurrection of Christ. What a magnificent event. It seems like it would be enough for God to become man. Or maybe enough that Jesus would become a sacrifice in our stead. Nevertheless, to prove to us that He had the right and power to be our God and our sacrifice, He conquered death, the terrible price we must pay for our sins. I know I am a sinner. I cannot get away from that. No matter how hard I try, sin abounds in me. Without the sacrifice of Christ on the cross, I would look at death as a rightful, but terrible, punishment for my life. However, Christ paid for that sin on the cross. He buried my sin, and yours, in the tomb. Three days later, He rose. Death was conquered by the God that conferred it in the Garden of Eden. No longer did man have to live under the presence of eternal damnation. I can't think of a better reason to celebrate. I am free. I can live knowing that, though my body will die, my soul will be in heaven. One day I will stand face to face with the risen Christ. What a celebration that will be! My heart explodes in gratitude and my soul lives in peace. Jesus Christ has risen and nothing will ever be the same.
My prayer for you is that your Easter was as fine as mine. I pray that you know what I am talking about. If you don't, find someone to ask. I will do, but there are many others. Do not live on this earth without Christ as your Savior. Make everyday a celebration. Know that you are here to serve a risen Savior. Trust that this world is fallen, but you can live apart from it. There is a place for you.
This cancer has taught me many lessons, but the most important has been to cherish the day and the people each day brings me. You are special people to me. I love you so much. Your prayers have brought me through all sorts of stuff. Today was never meant to be, but I am here. Praise God and praise you for your prayers.
All my love, Marj.
Mourning the Status Quo - April 2, 2009
To my dear friends:
Four years ago, when Lee and I first found out about my diagnosis of ovarian cancer, we drove home quietly, each in our own worlds. When we got out of the car, we met in the driveway, held each other, and cried. The only words from either of us were, "I'm sorry" and "I love you." We stayed there for quite a while then finally went into the house to start a new life.
I think the first sensation of this situation would be, of course you would cry. You've been told that you have a fatal disease and that you will die. I suppose there was some of that in those tears but that is not what was happening. We were mourning the status quo. We understood that from this time on, things would be different. We would not have the control or the hope that had shaped our marriage from the beginning. Thankfully, the only thing we knew that would stay stable was our faith in God and our love for each other. We were wrong there also.
We had been married for twenty-six years. Both of us had careers where we worked in middle management positions most of the time. We could control people, events, and finances very well. We were both Christians and loved each other. We were now retired, making our own decisions, living in the "last" house we would live in and developing the kinds of goals that fit our beliefs.
How would this cancer affect that life? We decided not to let it. We would see the doctors, make the decisions we were supposed to make but we would not let it change our status quo. Very quickly, we saw the enormity of the problems and the foolishness of our resolve. We were frustrated with the loss of time, health and the demands this disease imposed.
Our only answer was to pray. This was our only focused action. As we searched for answers, God asked us some deep questions. Did we have the faith to take the changes in stride? Would we stop trying to control our lives and let God have control? Would we look at the blessings that God had for us if we stopped fighting the life He had put before us?
Did we have the faith to take the changes in stride? In the beginning, no. In fact, now it still takes a little work but not as much. I have had twelve surgeries and five different chemotherapies. Each step has meant an adjustment. Some have been good, like reducing the tumors. Some have been difficult, like an allergic reaction that left me in the hospital for a month. I remember that while we were in the hospital for so long, Lee was reading to me from I Kings. We had been fighting to get me well enough to go home and it seemed like nothing was working. I could not even read for myself anymore. As Lee read to me, he came across the phrase "the battle belongs to the Lord." We looked at each other and began to weep, and then we prayed. We were trying to fight the Lord's battle. We backed out and let Him do His work. In six days, I left the hospital. Healing had begun.
Letting God control our lives and waiting for Him to make the decisions has been a difficult growth spurt for us but we have seen great gain. Decisions are easier to make. We trust our doctors and nurses, knowing that God has miraculously placed them in our lives. We no longer ask God why I have not been healed but instead, continue to ask Him for the mercy of His healing daily. We see that He has done that.
We will not see every blessing this cancer has brought in our life until we are both in heaven but many can be seen now. We have learned to love each other deeply. Small, petty issues are not worth our time. We still see time as short so we do what means the most to us. We have learned to hope for the future but not to plan for it. The phrase "I will never be the same, again" is not a bad thing. We intend not to look back but to pursue the future. God has given us more years than was ever expected.
All of us should live our lives with the understanding that each day is a gift. Each new situation is a chance to make something better. We are learning and growing in all that we do. As our faith builds, the next step is not so scary; we do not mourn the status quo as often. We accept the will that God has for our lives. After all, He does know what is best for us.
Thank you for your prayers, continue to let me know how I can pray for you.
With all my love, Marj.
Four years ago, when Lee and I first found out about my diagnosis of ovarian cancer, we drove home quietly, each in our own worlds. When we got out of the car, we met in the driveway, held each other, and cried. The only words from either of us were, "I'm sorry" and "I love you." We stayed there for quite a while then finally went into the house to start a new life.
I think the first sensation of this situation would be, of course you would cry. You've been told that you have a fatal disease and that you will die. I suppose there was some of that in those tears but that is not what was happening. We were mourning the status quo. We understood that from this time on, things would be different. We would not have the control or the hope that had shaped our marriage from the beginning. Thankfully, the only thing we knew that would stay stable was our faith in God and our love for each other. We were wrong there also.
We had been married for twenty-six years. Both of us had careers where we worked in middle management positions most of the time. We could control people, events, and finances very well. We were both Christians and loved each other. We were now retired, making our own decisions, living in the "last" house we would live in and developing the kinds of goals that fit our beliefs.
How would this cancer affect that life? We decided not to let it. We would see the doctors, make the decisions we were supposed to make but we would not let it change our status quo. Very quickly, we saw the enormity of the problems and the foolishness of our resolve. We were frustrated with the loss of time, health and the demands this disease imposed.
Our only answer was to pray. This was our only focused action. As we searched for answers, God asked us some deep questions. Did we have the faith to take the changes in stride? Would we stop trying to control our lives and let God have control? Would we look at the blessings that God had for us if we stopped fighting the life He had put before us?
Did we have the faith to take the changes in stride? In the beginning, no. In fact, now it still takes a little work but not as much. I have had twelve surgeries and five different chemotherapies. Each step has meant an adjustment. Some have been good, like reducing the tumors. Some have been difficult, like an allergic reaction that left me in the hospital for a month. I remember that while we were in the hospital for so long, Lee was reading to me from I Kings. We had been fighting to get me well enough to go home and it seemed like nothing was working. I could not even read for myself anymore. As Lee read to me, he came across the phrase "the battle belongs to the Lord." We looked at each other and began to weep, and then we prayed. We were trying to fight the Lord's battle. We backed out and let Him do His work. In six days, I left the hospital. Healing had begun.
Letting God control our lives and waiting for Him to make the decisions has been a difficult growth spurt for us but we have seen great gain. Decisions are easier to make. We trust our doctors and nurses, knowing that God has miraculously placed them in our lives. We no longer ask God why I have not been healed but instead, continue to ask Him for the mercy of His healing daily. We see that He has done that.
We will not see every blessing this cancer has brought in our life until we are both in heaven but many can be seen now. We have learned to love each other deeply. Small, petty issues are not worth our time. We still see time as short so we do what means the most to us. We have learned to hope for the future but not to plan for it. The phrase "I will never be the same, again" is not a bad thing. We intend not to look back but to pursue the future. God has given us more years than was ever expected.
All of us should live our lives with the understanding that each day is a gift. Each new situation is a chance to make something better. We are learning and growing in all that we do. As our faith builds, the next step is not so scary; we do not mourn the status quo as often. We accept the will that God has for our lives. After all, He does know what is best for us.
Thank you for your prayers, continue to let me know how I can pray for you.
With all my love, Marj.
Extreme God - February 16, 2009
To My Dear Friends:
There are many "extreme" sports in the world at the present. Extreme meaning to take something that is already difficult and find ways to make it more difficult. It used to be that when we were in extreme situations we tried hard to find a way out, now we make a sport out of it. I have been in a few extreme situations that I thought I would not survive: an emergency landing after the prop broke on a private plane I was co-piloting; a fourteen mile trek in a blizzard to get a group of Boy Scouts out of the Sierras; a hundred and fifty mile dash down Lake Powell in front of a tremendous storm. None planned, but all necessary for the survival of someone, others, or me. That, to me, is completely different from an extreme sport where you choose to put yourself in great danger or discomfort for entertainment. This makes no sense to me.
I started to think about this when I realized that my friend Christian and I decided to do some "extreme" gardening Friday. I have more than a hundred roses of which most are trimmed for the next year. About thirty still needed trimming and Friday was the only day we both had to work. Clouds were looming, the temperature was 42⁰, and the winds from the west were between 10 and 25 MPH. We worked for one and a half hours, came in and thawed out then worked another half hour. Thankfully, God made it rain and we were forced to quit. Soon thereafter, it snowed. We warmed with soup and considered it a day. About three hours later, the sun came out and the wind stopped. I called Christian to see if he wanted to work some more. For some reason, he said "no." I was glad, I didn't either.
A friend of mine, Jordan, will start some extreme chemotherapy soon to get his life back. It won't be fun and will draw from every part of him and his wife to complete it. Cancer is an extreme disease and takes an extreme treatment to overcome it. It is not a sport. As I think of what Jordan will go through, I think of my own history with chemotherapy. There were some extreme times. Times I thought would end my life long before the cancer would. The hardest times were the second treatment for each bout; after the effects of the first, to go back and do it all over again was extreme. I understood that it was voluntary, but I also knew that it was not. My choice was not like Christian's, simply to choose warmth and comfort over biting cold and wind. It was more like staying in the Sierras and dying or walking out and freezing. The choice was no choice and yet I still had to make it each time.
I could not have made that choice to go back for more chemotherapy without the faith I have in God's provision and the desire I have to live as long as possible with my husband, Lee. These two driving forces allow me to face the challenges of this cancer.
God's provision took a little getting used to. I think I thought of God's provision as doing my bidding. Instead, it was to meet my needs. I thought God should keep me from pain, kill the cancer, and heal me with the chemotherapy. God, on the other hand, kept me from dying, reminded me of His love, and encouraged me with friends while I was in pain and the cancer was possibly dying. He has not healed me. In the long run, He has driven my faith deeply into my soul. Though not unshakable, I am sure of the promises of this great God. He does not let me fall and He does not leave me. He also does not coddle me. To do so would leave me with less. He is too good a father to do that.
My desire to spend more years with Lee gets stronger the further we go into this journey. Lee and I have learned the deepness of love. We have truly become one because of this journey. He has been part of the worst and yet has had to sit out what he could not experience, possibly a worse fate than experiencing it. I have the greatest admiration for him. He is also the optimist. He sees the good when I am seeing the bad and does not let me wallow in the slough of despair. I truly need him and I want to spend more time enjoying this relationship. For that reason, turning down different treatments is not an option.
Currently the treatments are tolerable. I take an oral chemotherapy daily. It has a few side effects but Vicodin easily controls most. Six weeks ago, we doubled the dosage, which increased the side effects. However, the increase in Cytoxin, the chemotherapy, has made the tumors shrink slightly and removed some of the side effects that came from the tumors themselves. I find that if I stay consistently medicated and eat small portions, that most of my days are good and I am "normal." There are still flare-ups and my blood levels are dropping. We will have to make some decisions in soon about how to combat the anemia. Whatever chemotherapy I am doing has to stop at some time to allow my body to lose its toxicity. When I am off the chemotherapy, the tumors grow. The seesaw is a little discouraging but I have now gone through 4 years with little break in treatment. Every year is a gift.
The doctor's plan now is to manage this cancer so that I will have many more years. There is still the chance that tumors in my abdomen may decide to grow without our knowing it and cause my death; then again, they may not. This is not where my focus is, however, it is on living each day well and loving those around me. We all live with the same threat. Lee and I have consistently prayed for God's intervention in controlling the cancer. He has answered those prayers and is doing exactly what we asked. Praise God!
Thank you for your prayers. My life is good right now because of you. Your faith has sustained me for many years. Even though things look good, days can be hard with metabolic changes and pains that come from nowhere. Please continue to pray. Please pray for my friend Jordan. He truly needs healing. Thank you.
All my love, Marj.
There are many "extreme" sports in the world at the present. Extreme meaning to take something that is already difficult and find ways to make it more difficult. It used to be that when we were in extreme situations we tried hard to find a way out, now we make a sport out of it. I have been in a few extreme situations that I thought I would not survive: an emergency landing after the prop broke on a private plane I was co-piloting; a fourteen mile trek in a blizzard to get a group of Boy Scouts out of the Sierras; a hundred and fifty mile dash down Lake Powell in front of a tremendous storm. None planned, but all necessary for the survival of someone, others, or me. That, to me, is completely different from an extreme sport where you choose to put yourself in great danger or discomfort for entertainment. This makes no sense to me.
I started to think about this when I realized that my friend Christian and I decided to do some "extreme" gardening Friday. I have more than a hundred roses of which most are trimmed for the next year. About thirty still needed trimming and Friday was the only day we both had to work. Clouds were looming, the temperature was 42⁰, and the winds from the west were between 10 and 25 MPH. We worked for one and a half hours, came in and thawed out then worked another half hour. Thankfully, God made it rain and we were forced to quit. Soon thereafter, it snowed. We warmed with soup and considered it a day. About three hours later, the sun came out and the wind stopped. I called Christian to see if he wanted to work some more. For some reason, he said "no." I was glad, I didn't either.
A friend of mine, Jordan, will start some extreme chemotherapy soon to get his life back. It won't be fun and will draw from every part of him and his wife to complete it. Cancer is an extreme disease and takes an extreme treatment to overcome it. It is not a sport. As I think of what Jordan will go through, I think of my own history with chemotherapy. There were some extreme times. Times I thought would end my life long before the cancer would. The hardest times were the second treatment for each bout; after the effects of the first, to go back and do it all over again was extreme. I understood that it was voluntary, but I also knew that it was not. My choice was not like Christian's, simply to choose warmth and comfort over biting cold and wind. It was more like staying in the Sierras and dying or walking out and freezing. The choice was no choice and yet I still had to make it each time.
I could not have made that choice to go back for more chemotherapy without the faith I have in God's provision and the desire I have to live as long as possible with my husband, Lee. These two driving forces allow me to face the challenges of this cancer.
God's provision took a little getting used to. I think I thought of God's provision as doing my bidding. Instead, it was to meet my needs. I thought God should keep me from pain, kill the cancer, and heal me with the chemotherapy. God, on the other hand, kept me from dying, reminded me of His love, and encouraged me with friends while I was in pain and the cancer was possibly dying. He has not healed me. In the long run, He has driven my faith deeply into my soul. Though not unshakable, I am sure of the promises of this great God. He does not let me fall and He does not leave me. He also does not coddle me. To do so would leave me with less. He is too good a father to do that.
My desire to spend more years with Lee gets stronger the further we go into this journey. Lee and I have learned the deepness of love. We have truly become one because of this journey. He has been part of the worst and yet has had to sit out what he could not experience, possibly a worse fate than experiencing it. I have the greatest admiration for him. He is also the optimist. He sees the good when I am seeing the bad and does not let me wallow in the slough of despair. I truly need him and I want to spend more time enjoying this relationship. For that reason, turning down different treatments is not an option.
Currently the treatments are tolerable. I take an oral chemotherapy daily. It has a few side effects but Vicodin easily controls most. Six weeks ago, we doubled the dosage, which increased the side effects. However, the increase in Cytoxin, the chemotherapy, has made the tumors shrink slightly and removed some of the side effects that came from the tumors themselves. I find that if I stay consistently medicated and eat small portions, that most of my days are good and I am "normal." There are still flare-ups and my blood levels are dropping. We will have to make some decisions in soon about how to combat the anemia. Whatever chemotherapy I am doing has to stop at some time to allow my body to lose its toxicity. When I am off the chemotherapy, the tumors grow. The seesaw is a little discouraging but I have now gone through 4 years with little break in treatment. Every year is a gift.
The doctor's plan now is to manage this cancer so that I will have many more years. There is still the chance that tumors in my abdomen may decide to grow without our knowing it and cause my death; then again, they may not. This is not where my focus is, however, it is on living each day well and loving those around me. We all live with the same threat. Lee and I have consistently prayed for God's intervention in controlling the cancer. He has answered those prayers and is doing exactly what we asked. Praise God!
Thank you for your prayers. My life is good right now because of you. Your faith has sustained me for many years. Even though things look good, days can be hard with metabolic changes and pains that come from nowhere. Please continue to pray. Please pray for my friend Jordan. He truly needs healing. Thank you.
All my love, Marj.
Keeping Dry - January 21, 2009
To My Dear Friends:
Have you ever tried to stand in a canoe? The first rule is "don't stand in a canoe." Sometimes, however, you have to stand, if you are getting on a dock or entering from a higher place. I like canoes, they are not at all forgiving, but if you treat them right they are very good at what they do; sitting in the water without getting wet.
If you have to stand in a canoe, the first thing you must do is step in the center. It is also a good idea to hold on to something steady while doing so. The next thing you should do is sit down quickly in the center of the seat. That takes planning so that as soon as your feet plant you are ready to plant your own seat. If you are getting out of the canoe to a higher level, the action is reversed; stand in the center, grab hold of something stable and get out.
There are times when it seems right to stand in a canoe when you don't have to. These are usually times when you get wet. I've been known to stand to get someone's attention, reel in a fish, or watch a great dive from the tall rocks. I can now say that it is possible to stand but to do so you must remain centered and not try to compensate for movement. If you try to compensate you, start the canoe rocking then the next compensation rocks it further and so on until you are in the water.
All, in all, you must understand that to canoe is to get wet. Once you have handled that thinking then you are fine. Put all your gear in waterproof bags, wear clothes that dry out quickly, make sure your keys will float and accept it.
This cancer journey is a lot like canoeing. You will get wet but you can keep it to a minimum by keeping low and keeping your balance.
What I mean by getting wet is drenched in self-pity, fear, and futility. It's not that hard to do and will happen to the best of us because each of these is the result of losing our balance.
The other day, a friend of mine died. He did not have cancer, but his wife does. We had talked about him connecting with Lee, my husband so, that as caregivers, they could help each other stay focused. In some way, our lives were mirroring each other. When my friend died, it left his wife without the caregiver, support, and joy that she so desperately needs. Splash! I was wet with fear. What if I lost Lee? We have assumed that this cancer would take me home first, but we also know there are no guarantees. I will miss my friend but I know he is in heaven. My sorrow was for his wife and my fear was for myself even though nothing had happened to me. I over compensated and my canoe tipped over.
The last time we went to the oncologist, I was feeling well. The blood work showed that red and white blood cells were dying quickly. As soon as we returned home, I started to feel poorly. After a couple of days I was depressed and decided that the chemotherapy was robbing me of energy which would mean that soon I would have to quit this treatment and let the tumors grow again until we found another treatment to stop the growth. The following day it all emerged as a cold which simply ran its course and died off. I will have to face the dilemma of becoming toxic to the chemotherapy soon but now was not the time. Splash! I was wet with self-pity. Things have cleared a bit and I feel better. I'm all dried out. Things are fine.
Then we doubled the chemotherapy. Nightly diarrhea returned to haunt me. I had had a great month without this problem and was able to do evening ministries, like choir and visitations. Now I was held in bondage to the house each night. I could see no end in sight and felt that I had let everybody down. Splash! Back into the sea of anxiety. How can I meet my obligations? Who can do this for me? Why am I blocked from ministries?
Since then I have gotten a lot more control of my body but still have trouble trusting it nightly. Other people have pitched in and helped with ministries. I have several that I can do from home and during the day. Maybe, I don't need to be out all those nights. It is nice to be home with my husband.
The center of the canoe is Jesus. I must set myself firmly in Him. If you don't know Him, you can't understand what that means. Daily, I have to read my Bible and pray. I have to talk to Him while I drive and work. He reminds me of how much He has blessed me. The nurses at City of Hope are amazed that I still maintain a job. I never thought of quitting, at least not yet. God has maintained my health during the day so that I can do the work for the church without problems. I have to dry out by going back to the Bible and seeing what God has done. How He has blessed me with eternal life. How I have a friend that never stops loving me even if I am alone. How He will provide ministries for me if He takes away the ones I am doing now. I need to plant my feet then sit down as soon as possible and let scripture and the faithfulness of God settle the canoe.
I say that like it is easy but it's not, the canoe tips to one side then the other. My focus is on the water, in this case the cancer. I react to bring it back and it tips more. My mind is saying sit down, but my feet are wrestling to stay dry. It does not seem to matter if I have been wet before or successfully sat down before. Each time is a new trial and I must decide again. What does matter is that I have never left the source of tranquility. I have little to do to gain it back. I just need to sit. Jesus is there. He will provide the peace, assurance, and strength I need.
What about you? Is your canoe ready to flip? Has it already flipped? Do you know how to dry out? Do you know how to sit in the middle of God's presence? I hope that you do. If you do not, then please find someone to help. God loves us all very much and He wants us to be dry and stable. Don't live in the water.
Thank you for your prayers. I hear from many of you and I know that you are praying for a healing in me. Please know that there have been many healings of my heart. Even my body is doing better than anyone expected. That is because you have prayed. Keep it up. Jesus is not done with me yet. Of this, I am sure.
Love, Marj.
Have you ever tried to stand in a canoe? The first rule is "don't stand in a canoe." Sometimes, however, you have to stand, if you are getting on a dock or entering from a higher place. I like canoes, they are not at all forgiving, but if you treat them right they are very good at what they do; sitting in the water without getting wet.
If you have to stand in a canoe, the first thing you must do is step in the center. It is also a good idea to hold on to something steady while doing so. The next thing you should do is sit down quickly in the center of the seat. That takes planning so that as soon as your feet plant you are ready to plant your own seat. If you are getting out of the canoe to a higher level, the action is reversed; stand in the center, grab hold of something stable and get out.
There are times when it seems right to stand in a canoe when you don't have to. These are usually times when you get wet. I've been known to stand to get someone's attention, reel in a fish, or watch a great dive from the tall rocks. I can now say that it is possible to stand but to do so you must remain centered and not try to compensate for movement. If you try to compensate you, start the canoe rocking then the next compensation rocks it further and so on until you are in the water.
All, in all, you must understand that to canoe is to get wet. Once you have handled that thinking then you are fine. Put all your gear in waterproof bags, wear clothes that dry out quickly, make sure your keys will float and accept it.
This cancer journey is a lot like canoeing. You will get wet but you can keep it to a minimum by keeping low and keeping your balance.
What I mean by getting wet is drenched in self-pity, fear, and futility. It's not that hard to do and will happen to the best of us because each of these is the result of losing our balance.
The other day, a friend of mine died. He did not have cancer, but his wife does. We had talked about him connecting with Lee, my husband so, that as caregivers, they could help each other stay focused. In some way, our lives were mirroring each other. When my friend died, it left his wife without the caregiver, support, and joy that she so desperately needs. Splash! I was wet with fear. What if I lost Lee? We have assumed that this cancer would take me home first, but we also know there are no guarantees. I will miss my friend but I know he is in heaven. My sorrow was for his wife and my fear was for myself even though nothing had happened to me. I over compensated and my canoe tipped over.
The last time we went to the oncologist, I was feeling well. The blood work showed that red and white blood cells were dying quickly. As soon as we returned home, I started to feel poorly. After a couple of days I was depressed and decided that the chemotherapy was robbing me of energy which would mean that soon I would have to quit this treatment and let the tumors grow again until we found another treatment to stop the growth. The following day it all emerged as a cold which simply ran its course and died off. I will have to face the dilemma of becoming toxic to the chemotherapy soon but now was not the time. Splash! I was wet with self-pity. Things have cleared a bit and I feel better. I'm all dried out. Things are fine.
Then we doubled the chemotherapy. Nightly diarrhea returned to haunt me. I had had a great month without this problem and was able to do evening ministries, like choir and visitations. Now I was held in bondage to the house each night. I could see no end in sight and felt that I had let everybody down. Splash! Back into the sea of anxiety. How can I meet my obligations? Who can do this for me? Why am I blocked from ministries?
Since then I have gotten a lot more control of my body but still have trouble trusting it nightly. Other people have pitched in and helped with ministries. I have several that I can do from home and during the day. Maybe, I don't need to be out all those nights. It is nice to be home with my husband.
The center of the canoe is Jesus. I must set myself firmly in Him. If you don't know Him, you can't understand what that means. Daily, I have to read my Bible and pray. I have to talk to Him while I drive and work. He reminds me of how much He has blessed me. The nurses at City of Hope are amazed that I still maintain a job. I never thought of quitting, at least not yet. God has maintained my health during the day so that I can do the work for the church without problems. I have to dry out by going back to the Bible and seeing what God has done. How He has blessed me with eternal life. How I have a friend that never stops loving me even if I am alone. How He will provide ministries for me if He takes away the ones I am doing now. I need to plant my feet then sit down as soon as possible and let scripture and the faithfulness of God settle the canoe.
I say that like it is easy but it's not, the canoe tips to one side then the other. My focus is on the water, in this case the cancer. I react to bring it back and it tips more. My mind is saying sit down, but my feet are wrestling to stay dry. It does not seem to matter if I have been wet before or successfully sat down before. Each time is a new trial and I must decide again. What does matter is that I have never left the source of tranquility. I have little to do to gain it back. I just need to sit. Jesus is there. He will provide the peace, assurance, and strength I need.
What about you? Is your canoe ready to flip? Has it already flipped? Do you know how to dry out? Do you know how to sit in the middle of God's presence? I hope that you do. If you do not, then please find someone to help. God loves us all very much and He wants us to be dry and stable. Don't live in the water.
Thank you for your prayers. I hear from many of you and I know that you are praying for a healing in me. Please know that there have been many healings of my heart. Even my body is doing better than anyone expected. That is because you have prayed. Keep it up. Jesus is not done with me yet. Of this, I am sure.
Love, Marj.
See you later, Dave - January 14. 2009
My friend, Dave, died this morning. I suppose some would question the label friend because we haven't seen each other in more than a year but that didn't change the fact that I loved him or that I prayed for him and Kirsten, his wife.
I met him several years ago when he was struggling to understand who he was in Christ. He thought he was a believer but someone from the Evangelism Explosion ministry came to his door and just explained the relationship that Christ has with us. Dave fell in love with Christ. It was a love relationship that I completely understood and that made us great friends.
Dave worked with me in the Evangelism Explosion ministry as long as he was in Rosamond. We spent hours together going from house to house and sharing our mutual love of Christ. It was so good to be able to look at someone and know they knew Christ the same way you do. He was a rare Christian.
Dave and his family needed to move on and God had other things for them to learn. Certainly, this has been a difficult time for them with Kirsten's cancer. And we assumed that Dave would have to be strong for Kirsten. As always, God knew what he was doing. He grew Dave to a new place in his walk, even when it seemed he might leave the path. Dave is God's child and God loves him deeply.
I thought I would beat him to heaven. Now I will have to wait for God to bring me home before I will see him again. I can wait. My friend is still inside of me. We still share the same love for Christ. Nothing has really changed.
See you later, Dave.
Love Marj.
I met him several years ago when he was struggling to understand who he was in Christ. He thought he was a believer but someone from the Evangelism Explosion ministry came to his door and just explained the relationship that Christ has with us. Dave fell in love with Christ. It was a love relationship that I completely understood and that made us great friends.
Dave worked with me in the Evangelism Explosion ministry as long as he was in Rosamond. We spent hours together going from house to house and sharing our mutual love of Christ. It was so good to be able to look at someone and know they knew Christ the same way you do. He was a rare Christian.
Dave and his family needed to move on and God had other things for them to learn. Certainly, this has been a difficult time for them with Kirsten's cancer. And we assumed that Dave would have to be strong for Kirsten. As always, God knew what he was doing. He grew Dave to a new place in his walk, even when it seemed he might leave the path. Dave is God's child and God loves him deeply.
I thought I would beat him to heaven. Now I will have to wait for God to bring me home before I will see him again. I can wait. My friend is still inside of me. We still share the same love for Christ. Nothing has really changed.
See you later, Dave.
Love Marj.
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