Today is Christmas and we spent the day at home except for a brief excursion to my sister Sandy’s house to reunite with the siblings, Sandy and Carole are my sisters and John my brother. It was good to be with them on this wonderful day in Southern California.
We have finished the last round of in-hospital chemotherapy. We were not able to stay at the City of Hope Village, so we commuted the two hundred miles each day of the week. Thankfully, Lee is a willing driver. Most days we arrived after traffic and went home in the evening. The closer to Christmas the more complex the commute, but basically, it was fine. We were more tired and Lee realized that he liked being isolated at the hospital when we were in the village. He could get more uninterrupted rest. The lack of real quality rest has affected both of us as the chemo hit me hard this time. I am now on the last round of oral chemo and it is not being nice. Maybe because it is the holiday and I am not as busy so I sense more and dread each pill long before I take it. Staying busy helps to forget how I feel. The pain should all start to ease off by Saturday. From that point on, there will be no chemo. I can let my body try to rebuild itself. We will meet with the doctors after a CT scan on the fifth of February. That will become the baseline for any more decisions.
This has been a good Christmas. God has kept me in the thick of things and ministered to me in ways I never expected. Many of you have written cards or just given me hugs at church. It is so much easier to live with this stuff when you know that people care about you. It looks like we are ending a chapter but the book is not entirely written, so don’t shut it yet. Continue to pray for healing and strength. We are now in uncharted waters, actually we always were, but the lack of active participation makes me feel so vulnerable. I will need the faith and healing that only God can give and I know He responds to your prayers. Thank you for your prayers and care
Marj
Showing posts with label Letters for 2006. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letters for 2006. Show all posts
Naked - December 10, 2006
Some memories never leave you and in fact seem to recolor the present in ways that may not be very accurate. While struggling with my fears, I suddenly remembered, that as a child of about five, I would sleep rather fitfully. Additionally, because I was always given hand-me-downs to wear, I would have pajamas that were too big and find myself either undressed or tied in my own clothing in the morning. It was about this time that my father would come into my bedroom at night and awaken me on a regular basis. It became a very troubling time. One night I awoke to find myself naked and afraid of my father’s impending visit. I got up and took everything I could find in the room and circled myself with all these objects so that my father could not get to me. I felt safe and fell asleep in the middle of the pile. My mother came into the room, saw the pile and woke me. On her direction, I put all the items back and lay down in the middle of my bed, clothed but feeling far more naked than before. She never knew of my father’s visits.
Today, I feel the same nakedness. In December we will visit City of Hope for the last chemotherapy. Then there is nothing but wait and see. The chemotherapy has been the pile of objects to keep me safe. It has been the defense against the spread of cancer. It could not visit as long as the therapy continued. The doctors are taking away my pile and I feel naked and left waiting for the cancer to visit again. It is so easy to feel like you are five again.
The difference, however, is that God knows about the visits of this cancer. He is not like my mother. He will not unwittingly leave me in danger. He knows if the cancer will go into remission or whether it will return. He knows now even though we have no clue. I must follow His direction. I must also understand that He will be the barrier for me if He sees fit. If He does not choose to stop this cancer then He will take me home where there is no cancer or bad memories to confuse the issue.
This kind of faith is difficult for one whose faith in parents was dashed so early. Trust comes hard and yet it is the only way I can find the hope that is promised. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by reading the word of God. To know and understand that God is not my parents means that I must stay in His word, trust His word and live His word. What seems like an easy time will not be easy but I think I am ready for it.
Marj
Today, I feel the same nakedness. In December we will visit City of Hope for the last chemotherapy. Then there is nothing but wait and see. The chemotherapy has been the pile of objects to keep me safe. It has been the defense against the spread of cancer. It could not visit as long as the therapy continued. The doctors are taking away my pile and I feel naked and left waiting for the cancer to visit again. It is so easy to feel like you are five again.
The difference, however, is that God knows about the visits of this cancer. He is not like my mother. He will not unwittingly leave me in danger. He knows if the cancer will go into remission or whether it will return. He knows now even though we have no clue. I must follow His direction. I must also understand that He will be the barrier for me if He sees fit. If He does not choose to stop this cancer then He will take me home where there is no cancer or bad memories to confuse the issue.
This kind of faith is difficult for one whose faith in parents was dashed so early. Trust comes hard and yet it is the only way I can find the hope that is promised. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by reading the word of God. To know and understand that God is not my parents means that I must stay in His word, trust His word and live His word. What seems like an easy time will not be easy but I think I am ready for it.
Marj
Practicing for Home - November 18, 2006
To my dear friends:
This has been a good three weeks and as we think about going back to Duarte, I have no idea of what to expect. I have been stronger and in less pain this time then at any other time. For the first time, I did not need a shot to bring my red blood cells back up to normal this third week. God has done some very nice things this session. My health has allowed Lee and I to work hard during this time and we feel like we have done what we needed to do to leave again for another week. I know that this has been God’s work. I was getting very weary of the process. It seemed like no matter the symptom, there was always something. Much of it was little stuff that you could ignore if you stayed busy; others were too uncomfortable or painful and required all things to stop. I needed a break, needed to feel normal again for a while. God has provided that. We have used it to our advantage, even going out to lunch with friends, which we have not done much of this season.
Monday starts a new session. I don’t know what to expect. I feel very good and would like to think that will make things go better. Historically, that has not been the case. I don’t know if God just gave me this last session off or if he has caused a new healing in me that will sustain me through these last two sessions. I can only wait and see. The pragmatic side of me does not want the idealist side of me to get out of control so it continually tells me that history won’t repeat itself. I don’t know that that is true. God could very easily make this an easy treatment, but he doesn’t have to. I will still love Him and depend on Him.
We will spend Thanksgiving at the City of Hope. Since we don’t usually plan for a Thanksgiving thing it doesn’t much matter to us. Thursday is the beginning of my hard days. I will have treatment from 4:00 to 7:00 pm. That will allow me to enjoy most of the day then come back to the room watch some terrible movie and go to sleep. Friday will be late also so Lee will just guide me to the car, lean my seat back and let me sleep the way home. I will go to bed and then get up Sunday morning, officially. From there things will get better. If it is like the last one, it will get better quickly; if it is typical it will take a week and a half to really get better. Which ever way it goes, I know the territory and know I will survive it. For that reason I think I am eager to start this fifth treatment. I will be one closer to being done.
Many of you who read these letters also have cancer and are going through treatments and surgeries that make my experience pale into the background. I pray that you are holding on to God with all that you have. That when you doubt, as I do, that you turn to scripture and reground yourself. If you are too sick to read, ask some one else to read to you. You must surround yourself in God’s holy promises. Don’t try to do this alone. I don’t really think cancer is about surviving. I think it’s about living the best that you can. We were not put on this earth to serve ourselves. We must take care of ourselves but only to the extent that it does not take our focus off of Christ. Cancer can drive your focus to the daily things. It will make you try to hold on to this world much too hard because of all the time you have invested in the fight. Don’t go there.
Your eternal life is far more important than the short time you will spend here on earth. This is just practice. You will spend eternity somewhere. That means, no matter what, there is one more day. Now if that is in heaven, Halleluiah. But if that eternity is in hell, then one more day is terrible. Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven. If He is not Lord of your life and if you have not accepted Him as your Savior, then do it. Don’t let this practice be for a life in hell. This loving God, who heals me daily and protects me from myself, also loves you and wants you in heaven. If that is not your destination, please let me know so that I can pray for you and help you to see that death is a victory not a defeat.
God loves you so very much, I know, because he loves me and I am the least of His possessions. Pray for us as we go back down to Duarte. Pray that the nurses will be ready and know what they are doing since many of the nurses will be on vacation. Pray that we will be spiritually strong. Pray for the doctors’ wisdom. And finally, pray for each other. Many are not ready for heaven and I am fearful that they will make that journey before me and before they acknowledge Christ as Lord and Savior.
Thank you,
All my love,
Marj
This has been a good three weeks and as we think about going back to Duarte, I have no idea of what to expect. I have been stronger and in less pain this time then at any other time. For the first time, I did not need a shot to bring my red blood cells back up to normal this third week. God has done some very nice things this session. My health has allowed Lee and I to work hard during this time and we feel like we have done what we needed to do to leave again for another week. I know that this has been God’s work. I was getting very weary of the process. It seemed like no matter the symptom, there was always something. Much of it was little stuff that you could ignore if you stayed busy; others were too uncomfortable or painful and required all things to stop. I needed a break, needed to feel normal again for a while. God has provided that. We have used it to our advantage, even going out to lunch with friends, which we have not done much of this season.
Monday starts a new session. I don’t know what to expect. I feel very good and would like to think that will make things go better. Historically, that has not been the case. I don’t know if God just gave me this last session off or if he has caused a new healing in me that will sustain me through these last two sessions. I can only wait and see. The pragmatic side of me does not want the idealist side of me to get out of control so it continually tells me that history won’t repeat itself. I don’t know that that is true. God could very easily make this an easy treatment, but he doesn’t have to. I will still love Him and depend on Him.
We will spend Thanksgiving at the City of Hope. Since we don’t usually plan for a Thanksgiving thing it doesn’t much matter to us. Thursday is the beginning of my hard days. I will have treatment from 4:00 to 7:00 pm. That will allow me to enjoy most of the day then come back to the room watch some terrible movie and go to sleep. Friday will be late also so Lee will just guide me to the car, lean my seat back and let me sleep the way home. I will go to bed and then get up Sunday morning, officially. From there things will get better. If it is like the last one, it will get better quickly; if it is typical it will take a week and a half to really get better. Which ever way it goes, I know the territory and know I will survive it. For that reason I think I am eager to start this fifth treatment. I will be one closer to being done.
Many of you who read these letters also have cancer and are going through treatments and surgeries that make my experience pale into the background. I pray that you are holding on to God with all that you have. That when you doubt, as I do, that you turn to scripture and reground yourself. If you are too sick to read, ask some one else to read to you. You must surround yourself in God’s holy promises. Don’t try to do this alone. I don’t really think cancer is about surviving. I think it’s about living the best that you can. We were not put on this earth to serve ourselves. We must take care of ourselves but only to the extent that it does not take our focus off of Christ. Cancer can drive your focus to the daily things. It will make you try to hold on to this world much too hard because of all the time you have invested in the fight. Don’t go there.
Your eternal life is far more important than the short time you will spend here on earth. This is just practice. You will spend eternity somewhere. That means, no matter what, there is one more day. Now if that is in heaven, Halleluiah. But if that eternity is in hell, then one more day is terrible. Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven. If He is not Lord of your life and if you have not accepted Him as your Savior, then do it. Don’t let this practice be for a life in hell. This loving God, who heals me daily and protects me from myself, also loves you and wants you in heaven. If that is not your destination, please let me know so that I can pray for you and help you to see that death is a victory not a defeat.
God loves you so very much, I know, because he loves me and I am the least of His possessions. Pray for us as we go back down to Duarte. Pray that the nurses will be ready and know what they are doing since many of the nurses will be on vacation. Pray that we will be spiritually strong. Pray for the doctors’ wisdom. And finally, pray for each other. Many are not ready for heaven and I am fearful that they will make that journey before me and before they acknowledge Christ as Lord and Savior.
Thank you,
All my love,
Marj
Home Again - October 13, 2006
To my dear friends:
We are back home and have been for a few days. Thanks for all your prayers. The week went as well as I would expect. The second day, Tuesday, seemed most uncomfortable but by Wednesday morning my body had adapted and I was much better. Friday was the same amazingly uncomfortable time. The ride home is gentle and so I just walked in the door and went to bed. Seems like sleep is a great way to avoid pain. Saturday has to be a day to stay down. I did and that made Sunday much easier. If I could remember all this stuff the next time I could help both my physical and mental attitude, but alas, I don’t seem to recall the routine. Maybe I just shut it out.
I have noticed myself moving into another phase of thinking or being. I want to share it with you, hopefully to make sense of it for myself. I also think of each of you possibly having to go through something like this and wanting these letters to be helpful to you. I am sure that the things happening to me physically, emotionally and spiritually are not unique. I would hate to keep this all to myself and never help anyone.
I have noticed that Lee and I have shaved down our day to day activities to medical, ministry and chores. I don’t exactly know why. We are not thinking about vacations, events, holidays, or entertainment. I think part of the reason is the lack of time. The medical regimen demands far more than I like to give it. We must be down at City of Hope one week every month. The next week is trimmed greatly because of my pain and lack of endurance. We see doctors locally once every week, no matter how I am feeling. So the medical makes a big difference in what we do. We are both determined to not let Satan have our ministries. It would be so easy to just say, “Look guys, I don’t feel well, have someone else lead that ministry or do that Bible study, etc.” But God has sustained us and given us the strength we need to keep our ministries going. For that we are blessed. Since we are only home and well two of four weeks we work like mad during the two good weeks so we won’t feel bad when we go back to the hospital. So you can see why our life activity is pared down but somehow it is more than just logistics.
We could have a short timer’s attitude. Not wanting to plan anything that requires more work and not real sure what the future holds. We don’t talk about it often, but we really do not know if the Lord is going to heal me or not. If He chooses not to heal me then the time will be short and we have chosen the most important or immediate things to do. It really hasn’t been a conscious choice. I think that both Lee and I live our life as if we will see the Lord today. We both understand that there is no assurance of tomorrow and we both hope fervently that Christ will return very soon. Our fear in that is that our families and friends are not ready for His return but we are ready. Our prayer each day is to do God’s will and be witnesses of Him even in the mundane routine of life.
Some find this to be a morbid way of thinking, for we are told to concentrate on getting better, healing and being healed. I appreciate their concern and yet the one does not negate the other. I would like to be healed. Absolutely. I have a list as long as my arm of things that I want to do in ministry and with my husband. We have been married for almost 27 years and it feels like 3. We would both like to enjoy more time together as Christians and serving our local church. We enjoy visiting friends and minding the farm. Together our life is better than either apart could ever be. To spend many more years doing just that would be the blessing of a lifetime. But, as we live for eternity we must also live for the moment. An amusing mix that makes life interesting. The trick and the part that we are leaving behind, because the days are short, are the simple pleasures, short trips, and other frills of life. It’s not that I miss them but they do add color and I think it takes away from the scenery of life to leave them out. At this point, I see that we have little choice; we are as busy as busy can be, filled up to overflowing and fulfilled in most ways.
So, it is okay that we are living for today and not planning for the future. The future is here, now. God has given us this time to do His work. Let’s get about doing it.
Keep praying that He will keep me here as long as He chooses and that I will be able to serve Him all that time. Love to all of you. Know that I pray for each of you, especially when I get a letter from you and am reminded of your face and your heart.
Love
Marj
We are back home and have been for a few days. Thanks for all your prayers. The week went as well as I would expect. The second day, Tuesday, seemed most uncomfortable but by Wednesday morning my body had adapted and I was much better. Friday was the same amazingly uncomfortable time. The ride home is gentle and so I just walked in the door and went to bed. Seems like sleep is a great way to avoid pain. Saturday has to be a day to stay down. I did and that made Sunday much easier. If I could remember all this stuff the next time I could help both my physical and mental attitude, but alas, I don’t seem to recall the routine. Maybe I just shut it out.
I have noticed myself moving into another phase of thinking or being. I want to share it with you, hopefully to make sense of it for myself. I also think of each of you possibly having to go through something like this and wanting these letters to be helpful to you. I am sure that the things happening to me physically, emotionally and spiritually are not unique. I would hate to keep this all to myself and never help anyone.
I have noticed that Lee and I have shaved down our day to day activities to medical, ministry and chores. I don’t exactly know why. We are not thinking about vacations, events, holidays, or entertainment. I think part of the reason is the lack of time. The medical regimen demands far more than I like to give it. We must be down at City of Hope one week every month. The next week is trimmed greatly because of my pain and lack of endurance. We see doctors locally once every week, no matter how I am feeling. So the medical makes a big difference in what we do. We are both determined to not let Satan have our ministries. It would be so easy to just say, “Look guys, I don’t feel well, have someone else lead that ministry or do that Bible study, etc.” But God has sustained us and given us the strength we need to keep our ministries going. For that we are blessed. Since we are only home and well two of four weeks we work like mad during the two good weeks so we won’t feel bad when we go back to the hospital. So you can see why our life activity is pared down but somehow it is more than just logistics.
We could have a short timer’s attitude. Not wanting to plan anything that requires more work and not real sure what the future holds. We don’t talk about it often, but we really do not know if the Lord is going to heal me or not. If He chooses not to heal me then the time will be short and we have chosen the most important or immediate things to do. It really hasn’t been a conscious choice. I think that both Lee and I live our life as if we will see the Lord today. We both understand that there is no assurance of tomorrow and we both hope fervently that Christ will return very soon. Our fear in that is that our families and friends are not ready for His return but we are ready. Our prayer each day is to do God’s will and be witnesses of Him even in the mundane routine of life.
Some find this to be a morbid way of thinking, for we are told to concentrate on getting better, healing and being healed. I appreciate their concern and yet the one does not negate the other. I would like to be healed. Absolutely. I have a list as long as my arm of things that I want to do in ministry and with my husband. We have been married for almost 27 years and it feels like 3. We would both like to enjoy more time together as Christians and serving our local church. We enjoy visiting friends and minding the farm. Together our life is better than either apart could ever be. To spend many more years doing just that would be the blessing of a lifetime. But, as we live for eternity we must also live for the moment. An amusing mix that makes life interesting. The trick and the part that we are leaving behind, because the days are short, are the simple pleasures, short trips, and other frills of life. It’s not that I miss them but they do add color and I think it takes away from the scenery of life to leave them out. At this point, I see that we have little choice; we are as busy as busy can be, filled up to overflowing and fulfilled in most ways.
So, it is okay that we are living for today and not planning for the future. The future is here, now. God has given us this time to do His work. Let’s get about doing it.
Keep praying that He will keep me here as long as He chooses and that I will be able to serve Him all that time. Love to all of you. Know that I pray for each of you, especially when I get a letter from you and am reminded of your face and your heart.
Love
Marj
A Letter to Danny's Sister - October 13, 2006
I’m sorry that I don’t know your name but I have been praying for you since Danny first mentioned your health problems. He asked if there were any suggestions that I had for you since I am becoming a pro at chemotherapy, a distinction I never really wanted. I am on my second series with a completely different treatment. Although intensive, it doesn’t seem to cause me too much trouble.
I am sending you a care package. These are things that helped me. For the physical part of me I started taking Xango Mangosteen. It’s nothing but exotic fruit juices. It’s just that the one session of chemo that I didn’t take it, I did very poorly. So I take about 3oz a day with cranberry juice and that takes care of my need to do something for my body and my bladder. You can find dealers on line or buy a poor substitute at Costco. The Costco stuff is Mangosteen but it is so pulpy that it is hard to drink. If you strain it you have only half a bottle so it is really not a savings.
For the spiritual part of me I found a letter from John Piper called “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”. It just seemed to fit. This man is not playing games with you or whitewashing the whole experience. Cancer is what it is and he has a very good handle on how to think about it. I am also sending you a Bible that is easy to read and will take you through the Bible in one year. I don’t know if you are a Christian, I guess I am assuming that you are and you may not be. If you are not, you need to know what you are missing. If you are a Christian, you need to be in the word daily or you will not be able to maintain your spiritual health.
For the emotional part of me I found that I had to write. What was in my head had to end up in print before I could stop dealing with it. I am sending you a booklet that is the first few letters that I wrote to the people who were part of my prayer team. It might help to see that what you are feeling and thinking is the same as someone else.
What you are about to do is not impossible, it just isn’t really fun. Take things with you to do, talk to people, read, knit, sleep. As you deal with the aftereffects keep busy and keep praying. Tell people what is going on. If you can, get out. You will have the same symptoms wherever you are so why not be somewhere doing something. When fatigue sets in get some rest. Try to limit it to about two hours. That way you won’t waste your days and you will sleep at night. Protect yourself from getting out of whack in your sleep patterns. Record what’s happening day by day and take it back to the doctor to see. Get copies of all your labs even if you don’t understand them. Have an advocate. My husband is mine. He fights scheduling battles and oversees medications so that we are never given the wrong thing. He has been a life saver, literally.
Choose for yourself if you want to know more about your cancer than the doctors. I chose not too and I am happy with that. I have friends who needed to know everything. For me, that is exhausting. Try to live your life like you always have but give this illness enough license to be cured. It’s a hard balance and takes a lot of prayer.
I am always available via email if you want to ask questions or just vent. I will be praying for you. I will ask Danny your name so I can relate to you better. God knows who you are.
With much love,
Marj.
I am sending you a care package. These are things that helped me. For the physical part of me I started taking Xango Mangosteen. It’s nothing but exotic fruit juices. It’s just that the one session of chemo that I didn’t take it, I did very poorly. So I take about 3oz a day with cranberry juice and that takes care of my need to do something for my body and my bladder. You can find dealers on line or buy a poor substitute at Costco. The Costco stuff is Mangosteen but it is so pulpy that it is hard to drink. If you strain it you have only half a bottle so it is really not a savings.
For the spiritual part of me I found a letter from John Piper called “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”. It just seemed to fit. This man is not playing games with you or whitewashing the whole experience. Cancer is what it is and he has a very good handle on how to think about it. I am also sending you a Bible that is easy to read and will take you through the Bible in one year. I don’t know if you are a Christian, I guess I am assuming that you are and you may not be. If you are not, you need to know what you are missing. If you are a Christian, you need to be in the word daily or you will not be able to maintain your spiritual health.
For the emotional part of me I found that I had to write. What was in my head had to end up in print before I could stop dealing with it. I am sending you a booklet that is the first few letters that I wrote to the people who were part of my prayer team. It might help to see that what you are feeling and thinking is the same as someone else.
What you are about to do is not impossible, it just isn’t really fun. Take things with you to do, talk to people, read, knit, sleep. As you deal with the aftereffects keep busy and keep praying. Tell people what is going on. If you can, get out. You will have the same symptoms wherever you are so why not be somewhere doing something. When fatigue sets in get some rest. Try to limit it to about two hours. That way you won’t waste your days and you will sleep at night. Protect yourself from getting out of whack in your sleep patterns. Record what’s happening day by day and take it back to the doctor to see. Get copies of all your labs even if you don’t understand them. Have an advocate. My husband is mine. He fights scheduling battles and oversees medications so that we are never given the wrong thing. He has been a life saver, literally.
Choose for yourself if you want to know more about your cancer than the doctors. I chose not too and I am happy with that. I have friends who needed to know everything. For me, that is exhausting. Try to live your life like you always have but give this illness enough license to be cured. It’s a hard balance and takes a lot of prayer.
I am always available via email if you want to ask questions or just vent. I will be praying for you. I will ask Danny your name so I can relate to you better. God knows who you are.
With much love,
Marj.
Help - August 14, 2006
To my dear friends:
This is an interesting time for me. I don’t even know if I can describe it but I find it imperative to try.
At this point in the fight with cancer I am doing well physically. The chemotherapy I am getting now is tolerable and I show few side effects. Much of the fear of reactions has left but in the process the gap has been inappropriately filled in my mind.
I am frustrated by misunderstandings. I seem to think that people can read my mind or maybe just see me for who I am rather than what they believe. I don’t know why I am thinking that way since it has never been true that people could see through our veneers and treat us how they should rather than how they expect to treat us.
Let me give you an example since this is getting a little ambiguous. In many of my letters I have told you of the struggles that I have had and how God has met every need that has come about. I think it is very clear that I am trusting in God to move me through this process. The other day one of the people who knows of these struggles sat me down to help me understand that I need to trust in God. Now I know their intention was good but I wondered how I had let them think that I was not trusting in God. What in the world had I done for that perception to come across? The answer, I see as I write this, is nothing. People operate from their own perceptions. For the last year people have told me how to think, feel, eat, love, live, sleep, etc. so that I will do better. I know they love me or they wouldn’t care at all. This has never bothered me, why is it bothering me now?
It is bothering me now because I see chaos in my mind and I don’t know how to stop it. As people “help” they just add bricks to the pile and the chaos gets bigger.
In the last few days small things have happened medically that have caused that line I drew in the sand to shift like a wind blown beach. I feel little things slipping away and I don’t know how to hold on to them. Each of these little things are stupid to hold on to but they gave me some anchor and now that doesn’t exist. Let me give you an example. Both of my doctors asked me to start drinking Ensure to supplement my diet because I couldn’t eat enough to keep my weight up. Reasonable request. I immediately thought of Lee’s mom and that she lived on Ensure for the last part of her life, and then she died. Then someone told me about a relative that drank Ensure, he died. My conclusion, drink Ensure and you die. Bizarre, isn’t it?
There are strongholds in my mind that don’t give in easily. They mark me as ill, sick, feeble, etc. I don’t feel ill, sick or feeble but look at all that I am having to do to live. The dichotomy in my mind makes it all so chaotic that I am angry. Then again, I am angry at myself for being angry.
Why the anger? Well, I thought I had gotten past this. God and I have talked for a long time about death, the fatalness of this disease and that it is not something I can control. But in some ways, I have taken back control of the little stupid things that don’t amount to a hill of beans. I am holding tenaciously to things that are just things. I expect everyone around me to “get it”. Obviously they don’t because the things they loving do for me seem to throw me into a tizzy. Then I am angry at myself for not being thankful for the generous acts of others.
That is the problem, now what is the solution? Praise God for all those people in my life who are “helping”. Thank Him for letting them be there and for bringing this back up on the front burner so that I can deal with it. Then I must thank God for the doctor’s wisdom and for their concern for my health. Finally, I must give all this back to God. That is not as easy as the other two. I know that God will do as He should. I am not afraid of His will or His actions. I just don’t always know what He wants me to do. I must make some decisions according to His leading. How do I do that and give away the strongholds that are binding me at this time. Do I think these things are too little for God? Do I just want to have control of something? Look what that has done for me, made me depressed and angry. No, I don’t need to keep any of this and I don’t need to worry about how people perceive me. I just need to follow God, follow the doctors until He tells me not to and love the people because they love me.
I am sorry if I have not responded well to your needs to help me. It is hard for me to keep my focus on God and also listen to all the ideas man has for this disease. I am an intelligent person and most people think I would want to know and try everything but that just brings imbalance to my life. I can only trust in what God brings to me. The trouble with that is He may use you to do it and so it is hard to differentiate between the two. I just have to stay in prayer and not jump on everything that comes along. I have decided that He will use the doctors and inspiration to teach me what I should do. That may not sound wise to some of you but it is all I can do to make sense of this time.
Thank you for your care for me and know that I live off that care on a daily basis. You are extremely important people to me and I need your prayers so that God’s inspiration will come to me and the doctors. Please continue to pray and do whatever you feel you need to do to help me. You may find that I listen but don’t act. If not, it is not you but I who has made that choice.
With all my love, Marj.
This is an interesting time for me. I don’t even know if I can describe it but I find it imperative to try.
At this point in the fight with cancer I am doing well physically. The chemotherapy I am getting now is tolerable and I show few side effects. Much of the fear of reactions has left but in the process the gap has been inappropriately filled in my mind.
I am frustrated by misunderstandings. I seem to think that people can read my mind or maybe just see me for who I am rather than what they believe. I don’t know why I am thinking that way since it has never been true that people could see through our veneers and treat us how they should rather than how they expect to treat us.
Let me give you an example since this is getting a little ambiguous. In many of my letters I have told you of the struggles that I have had and how God has met every need that has come about. I think it is very clear that I am trusting in God to move me through this process. The other day one of the people who knows of these struggles sat me down to help me understand that I need to trust in God. Now I know their intention was good but I wondered how I had let them think that I was not trusting in God. What in the world had I done for that perception to come across? The answer, I see as I write this, is nothing. People operate from their own perceptions. For the last year people have told me how to think, feel, eat, love, live, sleep, etc. so that I will do better. I know they love me or they wouldn’t care at all. This has never bothered me, why is it bothering me now?
It is bothering me now because I see chaos in my mind and I don’t know how to stop it. As people “help” they just add bricks to the pile and the chaos gets bigger.
In the last few days small things have happened medically that have caused that line I drew in the sand to shift like a wind blown beach. I feel little things slipping away and I don’t know how to hold on to them. Each of these little things are stupid to hold on to but they gave me some anchor and now that doesn’t exist. Let me give you an example. Both of my doctors asked me to start drinking Ensure to supplement my diet because I couldn’t eat enough to keep my weight up. Reasonable request. I immediately thought of Lee’s mom and that she lived on Ensure for the last part of her life, and then she died. Then someone told me about a relative that drank Ensure, he died. My conclusion, drink Ensure and you die. Bizarre, isn’t it?
There are strongholds in my mind that don’t give in easily. They mark me as ill, sick, feeble, etc. I don’t feel ill, sick or feeble but look at all that I am having to do to live. The dichotomy in my mind makes it all so chaotic that I am angry. Then again, I am angry at myself for being angry.
Why the anger? Well, I thought I had gotten past this. God and I have talked for a long time about death, the fatalness of this disease and that it is not something I can control. But in some ways, I have taken back control of the little stupid things that don’t amount to a hill of beans. I am holding tenaciously to things that are just things. I expect everyone around me to “get it”. Obviously they don’t because the things they loving do for me seem to throw me into a tizzy. Then I am angry at myself for not being thankful for the generous acts of others.
That is the problem, now what is the solution? Praise God for all those people in my life who are “helping”. Thank Him for letting them be there and for bringing this back up on the front burner so that I can deal with it. Then I must thank God for the doctor’s wisdom and for their concern for my health. Finally, I must give all this back to God. That is not as easy as the other two. I know that God will do as He should. I am not afraid of His will or His actions. I just don’t always know what He wants me to do. I must make some decisions according to His leading. How do I do that and give away the strongholds that are binding me at this time. Do I think these things are too little for God? Do I just want to have control of something? Look what that has done for me, made me depressed and angry. No, I don’t need to keep any of this and I don’t need to worry about how people perceive me. I just need to follow God, follow the doctors until He tells me not to and love the people because they love me.
I am sorry if I have not responded well to your needs to help me. It is hard for me to keep my focus on God and also listen to all the ideas man has for this disease. I am an intelligent person and most people think I would want to know and try everything but that just brings imbalance to my life. I can only trust in what God brings to me. The trouble with that is He may use you to do it and so it is hard to differentiate between the two. I just have to stay in prayer and not jump on everything that comes along. I have decided that He will use the doctors and inspiration to teach me what I should do. That may not sound wise to some of you but it is all I can do to make sense of this time.
Thank you for your care for me and know that I live off that care on a daily basis. You are extremely important people to me and I need your prayers so that God’s inspiration will come to me and the doctors. Please continue to pray and do whatever you feel you need to do to help me. You may find that I listen but don’t act. If not, it is not you but I who has made that choice.
With all my love, Marj.
Back Home in Rosamond - July 3, 2006
To my dear friends:
To all of you who have been praying and holding vigil for me: Thank you, I am finally out of the hospital after 23 days. They say that chemo has to come close to killing you before it will kill the cancer and low and behold, they came very close to both. I am however, home and healing. God has been very faithful in answering so many little prayers just to make it from hour to hour and day to day. Many things went wrong with this chemo and the doctor, who is one of the best, is trying like crazy to find the best way to deal with my very quirky body. I did tell him that you were all praying. He is also a Christian so he understands the power that you have. As the days lengthened I realized that my own prayers became simpler. My focus shifted from the profound to the apparent. “Please, Lord, just help me heal a little more each day” It is obvious to me that God does indeed answer those simple prayers. I did heal a little each day.
I do want to say that I am extremely grateful that I was put in City of Hope. I know, hospitals are hospitals but this one is amazing. They let Lee stay with me every night in his own little bed furnished with sheets and jammies. The nurses and patient care assistants were top notch, always friendly and very sympathetic to the long haul. It seemed like they always had time for us. The meals were excellent even when I could no longer eat them, Lee did well. Most of all the doctors were just plain friendly. One doctor, who was really out of the loop for right now showed up every day just to chat. My main doctor and his assistant were there daily, explaining what’s up, what’s next and what they hoped for. We had many discussions over things that had nothing to do with medicine. I felt like I was being cared for by friends. There are no dual rooms at COH so Lee was never asked to leave. One little wrinkle was the sanction they put on me just about the time you all heard things were serious. Visitors were my life line and turned three minutes visit into what felt like the passing of another long day. I was truly uplifted every time someone showed up. But, my blood levels would not allow visitors anymore. Then the phone calls seemed like the only link I had to the outside world. If you visited or called, thank you so much. I needed those calls and visits even on the days that I can’t remember. I know that Duarte, CA is a long way from most of you but the phone is the safest way. I may return soon for the next chemo, when I do will you call me?
Why so long a stay for a “routine” chemo treatment? It’s hard to say. Nothing seemed to go as planned. There were problems giving it the way they wanted so it all went in IV. The blood levels dropped very fast and nausea came on very strong making it difficult to combat the blood problems orally. I feel like they dripped an entire ocean in me. But, God always has a reason and part of that reason may have been just to make me very still for an extended period of time. I know He and I had some long talks during those days. We are better acquainted now. I think I understand why I am going through this though I may not be able to articulate it to you. I am not at all concerned that I am going this alone. Lee has literally been by my side 99% of the time. Friends like you have prayed fervently and many others who are close at hand have willingly fed our dogs, cleaned our house, recovered our mail, done the gardening and ran the errands that needed to be run while Lee was with me. I am extremely humbled by it all. I want to thank you and yet that seems so little. I guess it will have to be the words I use to express the amazing and sustaining gratitude I have for you and for a God that would create people like you. Maybe part of my thank you will be to get well and another part is to serve God the way we have been. Maybe that will give you some sense of how important you are to me. I know people with one or two friends, I have so many I can not count them. God is amazingly good to us all.
Marj
To all of you who have been praying and holding vigil for me: Thank you, I am finally out of the hospital after 23 days. They say that chemo has to come close to killing you before it will kill the cancer and low and behold, they came very close to both. I am however, home and healing. God has been very faithful in answering so many little prayers just to make it from hour to hour and day to day. Many things went wrong with this chemo and the doctor, who is one of the best, is trying like crazy to find the best way to deal with my very quirky body. I did tell him that you were all praying. He is also a Christian so he understands the power that you have. As the days lengthened I realized that my own prayers became simpler. My focus shifted from the profound to the apparent. “Please, Lord, just help me heal a little more each day” It is obvious to me that God does indeed answer those simple prayers. I did heal a little each day.
I do want to say that I am extremely grateful that I was put in City of Hope. I know, hospitals are hospitals but this one is amazing. They let Lee stay with me every night in his own little bed furnished with sheets and jammies. The nurses and patient care assistants were top notch, always friendly and very sympathetic to the long haul. It seemed like they always had time for us. The meals were excellent even when I could no longer eat them, Lee did well. Most of all the doctors were just plain friendly. One doctor, who was really out of the loop for right now showed up every day just to chat. My main doctor and his assistant were there daily, explaining what’s up, what’s next and what they hoped for. We had many discussions over things that had nothing to do with medicine. I felt like I was being cared for by friends. There are no dual rooms at COH so Lee was never asked to leave. One little wrinkle was the sanction they put on me just about the time you all heard things were serious. Visitors were my life line and turned three minutes visit into what felt like the passing of another long day. I was truly uplifted every time someone showed up. But, my blood levels would not allow visitors anymore. Then the phone calls seemed like the only link I had to the outside world. If you visited or called, thank you so much. I needed those calls and visits even on the days that I can’t remember. I know that Duarte, CA is a long way from most of you but the phone is the safest way. I may return soon for the next chemo, when I do will you call me?
Why so long a stay for a “routine” chemo treatment? It’s hard to say. Nothing seemed to go as planned. There were problems giving it the way they wanted so it all went in IV. The blood levels dropped very fast and nausea came on very strong making it difficult to combat the blood problems orally. I feel like they dripped an entire ocean in me. But, God always has a reason and part of that reason may have been just to make me very still for an extended period of time. I know He and I had some long talks during those days. We are better acquainted now. I think I understand why I am going through this though I may not be able to articulate it to you. I am not at all concerned that I am going this alone. Lee has literally been by my side 99% of the time. Friends like you have prayed fervently and many others who are close at hand have willingly fed our dogs, cleaned our house, recovered our mail, done the gardening and ran the errands that needed to be run while Lee was with me. I am extremely humbled by it all. I want to thank you and yet that seems so little. I guess it will have to be the words I use to express the amazing and sustaining gratitude I have for you and for a God that would create people like you. Maybe part of my thank you will be to get well and another part is to serve God the way we have been. Maybe that will give you some sense of how important you are to me. I know people with one or two friends, I have so many I can not count them. God is amazingly good to us all.
Marj
And Now - June 9, 2006
To my dear friends:
Well, I am home from the hospital and recovering from what the doctors termed, “a very major surgery and then sepsis that set in a few days later. I knew I was in trouble when I wanted to go back to the hospital. But in fact, the hospital was a friend to me and helped me heal more quickly. I am still out of spunk but I have had a little time at home and it looks good to me. In a week we will start intraperitoneal infusion chemotherapy. The chemo will be infused directly into my abdomen to kill any microscopic cancer possible. This chemo is supposed to be harder and more nauseating than the last. I’m not excited but as quickly as I can start the therapy the sooner it will be over. It is six treatments over 18 weeks. Each treatment will require an overnight hospital stay in City of Hope in Duarte.
That is the statistics of the last adventure but it is not the whole of it. I am now faced with a direct assault on my own mortality. It’s not that death is imminent but that it is sure. It is not sure that the cancer will kill me but right now it is the top of the possibilities. The surgeons expected to not find cancer on this exploratory surgery but it was very invasive and fully inside all of my lower pelvis. The doctors are great and they removed all that they could find but there are a thousand unanswered questions. The biggest is “why didn’t the first chemo stop this cancer; will the next effort stop it?” There is no answer other than that was not God’s plan. I don’t know if this second chemo is part of His plan either but I must have faith that it is.
Herein lies the battle that has been waging in my soul. What is God’s will and am I willing to follow it? His will will be done and it will be easier for me if I am smart enough to change my will to His. You see, I know that God loves me and I know that His will will bring me peace and contentment. I do not know if that is what He has in mind on this side of heaven. It will do me no good to fight or throw some temper tantrum because I may not have contentment on this side of the grave. I am reminded of Jim Elliot’s famous quote: “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose”. The man is talking about a heavenly vision. My head has this vision but it is sometimes hard to put my feet to it. God and I have talked a lot recently about this issue. I want Him to change my heart. I want to seek God’s will and find the peace that has been the hallmark of the last few years.
It is not that I am afraid to die, though I would prefer a quicker process than Cancer. It is that I am in love with the life He has given me. Never in my wildest dreams did I perceive the happiness that I have now. I am married to a wonderful, gentle man. His love for me was the key to my understanding the love of God. He is the joy of my life. I am also actively and fervently serving Christ in the local church body. These, to me, are the reasons I am on this earth and the joy of my days. And now, God has given me a time limit, of sorts, for the gifts He gave me and I, like a spoiled kid am asking to hold on longer. A gift does not have final ownership; it should be held for a while then given away. I still want to hold on. I am fighting with myself to let go of what I cannot keep for the things that are eternal. It is the concrete versus the abstract, faith verses knowledge, hope verses safety.
I will get to the place where I will give up my way of thinking because God has promised me that He is faithful and He will bend my will with His scripture and anything else He needs to use to get me where I am full of joy again. The fact is that my joy has not left me, just my focus. When I focus on the Cross of Christ and remember what He has done for me I see no purpose for a loss of joy. Christ died for me and paid the price for my sins. I will die as will all of us and you may even beat me to the grave. What’s the big deal about all this cancer stuff? Jesus has conquered anything cancer can do and He will be there to greet me the day my body leaves this earth.
Please pray, not only for my healing. I want to serve God on this earth for a while longer. Also pray that I will keep my focus on that cross and never lose sight of the love that God has displayed for me. You all make a difference in my life. I think of each of you often and pray for you. Without you, this would be a lonely fight. Thank you.
With all my love,
Marj
Well, I am home from the hospital and recovering from what the doctors termed, “a very major surgery and then sepsis that set in a few days later. I knew I was in trouble when I wanted to go back to the hospital. But in fact, the hospital was a friend to me and helped me heal more quickly. I am still out of spunk but I have had a little time at home and it looks good to me. In a week we will start intraperitoneal infusion chemotherapy. The chemo will be infused directly into my abdomen to kill any microscopic cancer possible. This chemo is supposed to be harder and more nauseating than the last. I’m not excited but as quickly as I can start the therapy the sooner it will be over. It is six treatments over 18 weeks. Each treatment will require an overnight hospital stay in City of Hope in Duarte.
That is the statistics of the last adventure but it is not the whole of it. I am now faced with a direct assault on my own mortality. It’s not that death is imminent but that it is sure. It is not sure that the cancer will kill me but right now it is the top of the possibilities. The surgeons expected to not find cancer on this exploratory surgery but it was very invasive and fully inside all of my lower pelvis. The doctors are great and they removed all that they could find but there are a thousand unanswered questions. The biggest is “why didn’t the first chemo stop this cancer; will the next effort stop it?” There is no answer other than that was not God’s plan. I don’t know if this second chemo is part of His plan either but I must have faith that it is.
Herein lies the battle that has been waging in my soul. What is God’s will and am I willing to follow it? His will will be done and it will be easier for me if I am smart enough to change my will to His. You see, I know that God loves me and I know that His will will bring me peace and contentment. I do not know if that is what He has in mind on this side of heaven. It will do me no good to fight or throw some temper tantrum because I may not have contentment on this side of the grave. I am reminded of Jim Elliot’s famous quote: “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose”. The man is talking about a heavenly vision. My head has this vision but it is sometimes hard to put my feet to it. God and I have talked a lot recently about this issue. I want Him to change my heart. I want to seek God’s will and find the peace that has been the hallmark of the last few years.
It is not that I am afraid to die, though I would prefer a quicker process than Cancer. It is that I am in love with the life He has given me. Never in my wildest dreams did I perceive the happiness that I have now. I am married to a wonderful, gentle man. His love for me was the key to my understanding the love of God. He is the joy of my life. I am also actively and fervently serving Christ in the local church body. These, to me, are the reasons I am on this earth and the joy of my days. And now, God has given me a time limit, of sorts, for the gifts He gave me and I, like a spoiled kid am asking to hold on longer. A gift does not have final ownership; it should be held for a while then given away. I still want to hold on. I am fighting with myself to let go of what I cannot keep for the things that are eternal. It is the concrete versus the abstract, faith verses knowledge, hope verses safety.
I will get to the place where I will give up my way of thinking because God has promised me that He is faithful and He will bend my will with His scripture and anything else He needs to use to get me where I am full of joy again. The fact is that my joy has not left me, just my focus. When I focus on the Cross of Christ and remember what He has done for me I see no purpose for a loss of joy. Christ died for me and paid the price for my sins. I will die as will all of us and you may even beat me to the grave. What’s the big deal about all this cancer stuff? Jesus has conquered anything cancer can do and He will be there to greet me the day my body leaves this earth.
Please pray, not only for my healing. I want to serve God on this earth for a while longer. Also pray that I will keep my focus on that cross and never lose sight of the love that God has displayed for me. You all make a difference in my life. I think of each of you often and pray for you. Without you, this would be a lonely fight. Thank you.
With all my love,
Marj
Thinking of God and Cancer - May 22, 2006
To My Dear Friends:
On my way home, the other day, I was blessed with the beauty of our desert. You have to live here a while to see it. The mornings are gorgeous. There is a farm next to our house which adds a lot of green during the brown times. The mountains 50 miles away are a majestic purple-blue, clouds billow in the sky and the red of an evening sunset creeps from the East. God has painted our world and given us a desire for what He has painted.
The day had been satisfying at church and I was thinking, God why now? You have taken me from a time when I didn’t want to live on this earth to a very exciting life and ministry with many people I love, not the least of whom is my husband. Now You have me fighting cancer, looking at a possible destiny. I truly don’t understand your timing. It is good to have a God who is not offended by such questions. I clearly see God’s hand in this entire cancer experience. He has dropped me into the hands of extremely capable doctors who relate well to me and my husband. We have the insurance we need to treat this disease. I have the time because I am retired. I know I am going to heaven so I do not fear death. I have the ability to stay pretty well off while taking chemotherapy. All of these are from God and they have kept me at ease. I even think I know the answer to “why now?”. The answer is “why not now”?
Look at all that is right about the timing. Just because God has made my life joyous does not give me the right to hold it tightly. We are told in scripture not to hold tightly to this world. In Job 8 it says: ”Everything they count on will collapse. They are leaning on a spider web. They cling to their home for security, but it won't last. They try to hold it fast, but it will not endure”. No, we are not made to hate this world but we are not to count on it either. We are to count on God. He is to be our strength and our foundation. It is God who will decide when we go home to heaven. We must understand that it is very important to Him that we have a right relationship with Him. To do that I can honor what He has created and enjoy it but I must not become attached to it. One day it will become ash. I will see that day either first hand or from heaven. I will see a new earth that will outdo anything we have now. I must be patient.
So, how does all this relate to now. On Friday I go in for a biopsy or surgery depending on the pathology of the biopsy. Each time we look at a new step in this disease, I am reminded that we are not done with this disease. I remember that I am vulnerable to disease, fear, anger, confusion, frustration and sin. They could easily become a part of my life but God has given me a spirit of thanksgiving, joy and peace. If I am complacent then sin and fear can easily take the place of joy and peace. I need to be diligent in doing the will of God. When I do that, thanksgiving, joy and peace come from within and cover every possible fear or question.
Why now? Because it is the right time. As is everything that God orchestrates. He is in control. I need not fear, fret or fight.
Thank you, Jesus.
Please pray for me and Lee as we start this next phase. We wish for your prayers for a safe trip to Duarte and the City of Hope. We desire that the surgeons and specialists find what they need to find and are sure of the treatment. Pray for a miracle. What ever that may be. Pray that we would be a witness and give glory to God during this time.
Thank you, I love you,
Marj.
On my way home, the other day, I was blessed with the beauty of our desert. You have to live here a while to see it. The mornings are gorgeous. There is a farm next to our house which adds a lot of green during the brown times. The mountains 50 miles away are a majestic purple-blue, clouds billow in the sky and the red of an evening sunset creeps from the East. God has painted our world and given us a desire for what He has painted.
The day had been satisfying at church and I was thinking, God why now? You have taken me from a time when I didn’t want to live on this earth to a very exciting life and ministry with many people I love, not the least of whom is my husband. Now You have me fighting cancer, looking at a possible destiny. I truly don’t understand your timing. It is good to have a God who is not offended by such questions. I clearly see God’s hand in this entire cancer experience. He has dropped me into the hands of extremely capable doctors who relate well to me and my husband. We have the insurance we need to treat this disease. I have the time because I am retired. I know I am going to heaven so I do not fear death. I have the ability to stay pretty well off while taking chemotherapy. All of these are from God and they have kept me at ease. I even think I know the answer to “why now?”. The answer is “why not now”?
Look at all that is right about the timing. Just because God has made my life joyous does not give me the right to hold it tightly. We are told in scripture not to hold tightly to this world. In Job 8 it says: ”Everything they count on will collapse. They are leaning on a spider web. They cling to their home for security, but it won't last. They try to hold it fast, but it will not endure”. No, we are not made to hate this world but we are not to count on it either. We are to count on God. He is to be our strength and our foundation. It is God who will decide when we go home to heaven. We must understand that it is very important to Him that we have a right relationship with Him. To do that I can honor what He has created and enjoy it but I must not become attached to it. One day it will become ash. I will see that day either first hand or from heaven. I will see a new earth that will outdo anything we have now. I must be patient.
So, how does all this relate to now. On Friday I go in for a biopsy or surgery depending on the pathology of the biopsy. Each time we look at a new step in this disease, I am reminded that we are not done with this disease. I remember that I am vulnerable to disease, fear, anger, confusion, frustration and sin. They could easily become a part of my life but God has given me a spirit of thanksgiving, joy and peace. If I am complacent then sin and fear can easily take the place of joy and peace. I need to be diligent in doing the will of God. When I do that, thanksgiving, joy and peace come from within and cover every possible fear or question.
Why now? Because it is the right time. As is everything that God orchestrates. He is in control. I need not fear, fret or fight.
Thank you, Jesus.
Please pray for me and Lee as we start this next phase. We wish for your prayers for a safe trip to Duarte and the City of Hope. We desire that the surgeons and specialists find what they need to find and are sure of the treatment. Pray for a miracle. What ever that may be. Pray that we would be a witness and give glory to God during this time.
Thank you, I love you,
Marj.
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