Many of you know that the checkups at City of Hope have ramped up in the last few months. We now have a very likely diagnosis of the return of the cancer. In all rights it should probably be said the visible return of cancer. There are many small nodules within the abdomen, some deep and some at surface level that appear to be cancer and there are two fairly large, maybe an inch in diameter, low in the pelvis. We are treating it as cancer. There are some newer therapies that we will look at. One is an antihormonal therapy that works well with breast cancer and now seems to be working with Ovarian cancer. There also seems to be a restriction in the ureter from the right kidney to the bladder. The right kidney is increasing in size due to the pressure. I will see a urologist for this. This is the same ureter that was originally blocked by cancer before. This may simply be scar tissue. If so, the doctors will put a stent in to open the passage and relieve the pressure on the kidney. There seems to be no organs involved at this time. We will soon do a biopsy on the nodules, possibly in conjunction with the placement of the stent. So I expect that for a while there will be a flurry of things happening and then we will settle into a regimen that looks like any chronic disease.
Spiritually, Lee and I are doing well. God is still in control. He has given us comfort. I am reminded of the many presents given to small children. They look at the toy and then play with the box until the box is broken, then the toy becomes a friend. The cancer is the box, we are playing with it. The “toy” is the deep love we have for each other and deepness of our faith. It seems that you must play with the box, deal with it and move it. The toy becomes a prized possession, a friend and companion. We will not abandon it. It does not go in the dumpster with the box. It is the vital part of the story. I find that even when a new box is introduced it is not the same because I have the toy. Faith and hope will not change or be abandoned. God loves us, always has and always will. Tomorrow will look just as good as yesterday did. In a recent Thanksgiving dinner, Leroy (our pastor) reminded us that God expects and implores us to give thanks in all things. He did not put a clause in for cancer. Give God the glory, bring joy instead of sadness and hope instead of sorrow. Give thanks in all things
Please pray for my doctors. They need encouragement. We need encouragement. You need to be encouraged. This is not a death knell. The Lord may come tomorrow and all will be done. He may tarry and while He does He has promised to be by our sides. Trust that, rejoice in that and love to that end. There are no guarantees for tomorrow except that Christ will be there.
Marj.
Showing posts with label Letters for 2007. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letters for 2007. Show all posts
Betrayed by Joy - February 12, 2007
I remember the day we headed for my father’s funeral. It was cold; certainly inside of me it was cold. I woke that morning full of dread. The adults had never let me see my father after his death. I wanted to but then I didn’t want to. I needed to finalize his life but I was afraid that to do so would end his life. In my heart he was very much alive, I wanted that to stay and yet I was fearful that my wishes might have killed him. He had hurt me so; I had, at times wished for his death. I didn’t understand what that would really mean. Now, as I dressed in the clothes that were so much not me, I shivered at the thought of this ritual. I had never been to a funeral and I knew that they would make me look upon him. Then he would be dead. Then I could not hope for the love I so wanted from him. Then it would be true. So much of me wanted it to not be true and yet so much of me wanted it so. How could I be this way? At 12 years of age, the understanding of dread and hope intermingled with expectation had me confused and ragged. The family went, five kids and their mother. We sat alone in a little room to the side of the casket. The casket was closed. I wondered if he was really there or if this was just a game and I would see him later. I have no idea what was said. Now I wanted to see him. Then it was done. Life would be different. No matter that it would be better; it was just going to be different. I could not anticipate the impact of that day or that situation. I waited for something to burst forth in me but it came so slowly that only after looking back many years later did I see the effect. Some of it was good.
I feel like I am in the same place now. Maybe I need a funeral for this cancer but it is in a closed casket and I do not know it is dead. Maybe cancer is not there at all. When we left City of Hope, Lee, the greatest of optimists, was joyfully elated but questioned by quietness. I simply said that I wasn’t quite ready to believe yet. Lee has desired my joy to return for so long. I was so sorry that I could not show that to him. Cancer is not an acute illness. Unless God does something miraculous, it is chronic and often fatal. I have lived with that, and so has Lee, for a long time. It’s not a friendly relationship and I have wished for its death more than once. And yet, cancer has moved me to a place in my spiritual life that I do not think I would have achieved in any other way. I long to keep that relationship with God and wonder if I can do it. Will I remember that life is fragile and death is imminent? Will I seek God at every turn, cry to Him when I can no longer understand the picture? I pray that the hunger that I have now and the understanding that He has given me for eternity will be my guide. I have an obligation to do so. So this enemy has also been a friend. Its funeral, if in fact it has died, is a bittersweet experience. I am left alone to grow on my own, again. And what if it is a game? What if it returns after months of secret devastation? That I do not know. Only God can deal with that. I have tried and I can not go there right now. I will have to wait for that time. I know it will be different. I know it will seem worse. But somehow, I think that God will make it better. I don’t know how, but God does, after all, He is God.
We have been home a week. Something very strange has happened. I dropped my guard. All that I have thought, all that I feel and dread has been betrayed by joy. I didn’t think that would happen. Regardless of what the scale says, I am lighter and sillier. I can laugh deeper, play harder, work longer and worship deeply. God has reminded me of His love for me and the simple miracle of respite. It doesn’t matter if the cancer is dead or not, I have time and health, for however long God chooses to give it to me. I can enjoy that. I do not need to dread the return, if that comes. God will give me the grace at that time. I just have to be excited about what God is doing right now, in my body and my soul. Wherever He takes me, He will be there and He will get me through it with His strength. I will not be off in a side room all by myself. It will not be cold and I will not feel out of place. God is my constant companion and friend. He let His Son, Jesus, die for me. He will not let me die without Him. I really love this God.
With all my love,
Marj.
I feel like I am in the same place now. Maybe I need a funeral for this cancer but it is in a closed casket and I do not know it is dead. Maybe cancer is not there at all. When we left City of Hope, Lee, the greatest of optimists, was joyfully elated but questioned by quietness. I simply said that I wasn’t quite ready to believe yet. Lee has desired my joy to return for so long. I was so sorry that I could not show that to him. Cancer is not an acute illness. Unless God does something miraculous, it is chronic and often fatal. I have lived with that, and so has Lee, for a long time. It’s not a friendly relationship and I have wished for its death more than once. And yet, cancer has moved me to a place in my spiritual life that I do not think I would have achieved in any other way. I long to keep that relationship with God and wonder if I can do it. Will I remember that life is fragile and death is imminent? Will I seek God at every turn, cry to Him when I can no longer understand the picture? I pray that the hunger that I have now and the understanding that He has given me for eternity will be my guide. I have an obligation to do so. So this enemy has also been a friend. Its funeral, if in fact it has died, is a bittersweet experience. I am left alone to grow on my own, again. And what if it is a game? What if it returns after months of secret devastation? That I do not know. Only God can deal with that. I have tried and I can not go there right now. I will have to wait for that time. I know it will be different. I know it will seem worse. But somehow, I think that God will make it better. I don’t know how, but God does, after all, He is God.
We have been home a week. Something very strange has happened. I dropped my guard. All that I have thought, all that I feel and dread has been betrayed by joy. I didn’t think that would happen. Regardless of what the scale says, I am lighter and sillier. I can laugh deeper, play harder, work longer and worship deeply. God has reminded me of His love for me and the simple miracle of respite. It doesn’t matter if the cancer is dead or not, I have time and health, for however long God chooses to give it to me. I can enjoy that. I do not need to dread the return, if that comes. God will give me the grace at that time. I just have to be excited about what God is doing right now, in my body and my soul. Wherever He takes me, He will be there and He will get me through it with His strength. I will not be off in a side room all by myself. It will not be cold and I will not feel out of place. God is my constant companion and friend. He let His Son, Jesus, die for me. He will not let me die without Him. I really love this God.
With all my love,
Marj.
The Wideness of God's Mercy - January 27, 2007
Hello to all of you. I am well, getting strong and doing the things that have been put off for so many months. I’ve been quiet the last few weeks but that is not a sign that I have been without thoughts. On Feb. 5 we go back to City of Hope to do a CT scan and then talk with the doctors about what the scan does or does not show and what we do next. For me, this meeting is a line of demarcation. It ends one process and begins another which may or may not be related to the first. This time last year, we were in the same place and quickly found that the cancer had continued to grow through the first round of chemo. We have no idea what has happened since the last surgery in May and the second round of chemo. The cancer could be gone, in remission or active. That lack of information is what forms the little nuances of my days and makes a simple thing like making an appointment to see the dentist difficult.
We are told in scripture that we do not know the days of our lives nor should we put faith in ourselves to make the next day come about. God does know the days of our lives and He has set in motion the plan for each of us. Where the rubber meets the road is in the realization that we do not know the time or the how of our return to the creator. I’ve been pondering this a lot lately. Since God knows when I am going to die then He also knows how. He knows whether this cancer will kill me or whether, like my mom, I will survive cancer only to die several years later of heart disease. We pray for a healing and yet He already knows if He will heal me, or already has healed me. But He also knew before hand of your prayers. He knew what I would need to make it through this season of my life. He knows what I will need in the future and already has it lined out for me, however it will unfold. It would be easy, and familiar, to become a fatalist in this situation. I’m going to die, I know that (unless Christ returns first) so quit the fight because God knows what He is going to do and He will do it. But, God did not create me that way. He also didn’t give me this cancer to cause me to roll up in a ball and quit. No, God knows what I will do and He knows what He will do. He also knows why He has done what He has done. Just because I don’t know any of these things does not mean that I should live as if I am a puppet. Though God holds the strings, He encourages me to experience the stage He has put me on with all my heart. He has something for me here that will last for eternity. He knows what it will take for me to get it. He knows my heart and my needs.
The greatest thing this journey has done for me is show me the enormity of God. When I think of Him as Creator, I can’t grasp it because I can’t think about universes. They are just too big. But I think of things like God killing all the firstborn of Egypt because of His love for a small tribe of Israelites and the mocking of Pharaoh. His love for a sparrow that He notices it’s fall to the ground. He’s compassion for Adam and Eve that He did not destroy them and start over, even their curse was kindness. Moreover, the love that it took to allow His Son to become an infant and grow in this world to die for our sins. This is not a distant God. This is a God full of love for the creation. This is a God with a wild abandonment when it comes to His people. He knows me far better than the sparrow. He talks to me more than He ever talked to Moses through His holy word. He cries when He sees my failures just as He mourned for Jerusalem. He forgives me and heals me just as He has done for every believer who has ever turned to Him and called Him Lord.
When I understand that I will not know when I am going to die nor how, then I begin to settle down. God has not told me because He wants me to become very involved in the process of living for Him. He wants me to see that today could be the last or the beginning of years. It doesn’t matter, I need to live each one as if it were the last and the beginning all at the same time. This brings me peace. God is orchestrating my life for His purpose. I will die at exactly when I am suppose to die and not one minute before. Until I do, I must give those minutes to God. When I do die, I will be ready because God promises to give me the grace that I will need, then, not now. This is a very good God.
Marj
We are told in scripture that we do not know the days of our lives nor should we put faith in ourselves to make the next day come about. God does know the days of our lives and He has set in motion the plan for each of us. Where the rubber meets the road is in the realization that we do not know the time or the how of our return to the creator. I’ve been pondering this a lot lately. Since God knows when I am going to die then He also knows how. He knows whether this cancer will kill me or whether, like my mom, I will survive cancer only to die several years later of heart disease. We pray for a healing and yet He already knows if He will heal me, or already has healed me. But He also knew before hand of your prayers. He knew what I would need to make it through this season of my life. He knows what I will need in the future and already has it lined out for me, however it will unfold. It would be easy, and familiar, to become a fatalist in this situation. I’m going to die, I know that (unless Christ returns first) so quit the fight because God knows what He is going to do and He will do it. But, God did not create me that way. He also didn’t give me this cancer to cause me to roll up in a ball and quit. No, God knows what I will do and He knows what He will do. He also knows why He has done what He has done. Just because I don’t know any of these things does not mean that I should live as if I am a puppet. Though God holds the strings, He encourages me to experience the stage He has put me on with all my heart. He has something for me here that will last for eternity. He knows what it will take for me to get it. He knows my heart and my needs.
The greatest thing this journey has done for me is show me the enormity of God. When I think of Him as Creator, I can’t grasp it because I can’t think about universes. They are just too big. But I think of things like God killing all the firstborn of Egypt because of His love for a small tribe of Israelites and the mocking of Pharaoh. His love for a sparrow that He notices it’s fall to the ground. He’s compassion for Adam and Eve that He did not destroy them and start over, even their curse was kindness. Moreover, the love that it took to allow His Son to become an infant and grow in this world to die for our sins. This is not a distant God. This is a God full of love for the creation. This is a God with a wild abandonment when it comes to His people. He knows me far better than the sparrow. He talks to me more than He ever talked to Moses through His holy word. He cries when He sees my failures just as He mourned for Jerusalem. He forgives me and heals me just as He has done for every believer who has ever turned to Him and called Him Lord.
When I understand that I will not know when I am going to die nor how, then I begin to settle down. God has not told me because He wants me to become very involved in the process of living for Him. He wants me to see that today could be the last or the beginning of years. It doesn’t matter, I need to live each one as if it were the last and the beginning all at the same time. This brings me peace. God is orchestrating my life for His purpose. I will die at exactly when I am suppose to die and not one minute before. Until I do, I must give those minutes to God. When I do die, I will be ready because God promises to give me the grace that I will need, then, not now. This is a very good God.
Marj
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