Grasping for Grace - August 8, 2009

To My Dear Friends:

There are three images or thoughts in my mind: one is a certain Christmas, another is a vine and a worm, and the third is a barren fig tree.

My leaner years were those as a kid. Our parents tried to provide but always, there were hard decisions for them to make. Christmas was extremely difficult because as kids, we wanted stuff and as parents, they could not provide. By the time I was ten I knew that there would be one present, maybe a small trinket, and a stocking with four or five nuts, some fruit, and a little toy. That was fine. I really did not want for more.

One particular Christmas, when I was ten, we all came downstairs and received our stockings. Then my dad handed out the big present. After they were all handed out, my mother realized that I had no presents. She talked with my dad quietly in the kitchen then came back in and my dad took a small lantern off the mantle and presented it to me. He said that Santa had left it especially for me. It was neither wrapped nor tagged and I knew that it was something he had given my mother who loved old time oil lamps.

I cherished that lamp and kept it for over 20 years. I was in my late 30's when the lamp was finally broken and that part of my past moved into the memory bank of my mind, but as you can see, I still recall the event.

My husband once asked me why I kept moving such a worthless item, always taking care to see that it was not broken and yet never lighting it or even filling it with oil. I explained that it was a gift I never wanted nor was ever intended for me, but that after receiving it, it became of gift of love far beyond its value. I know that the lamp was given to my mother, probably by my dad. She loved old looking lamps and they had probably traded gifts the night before when they set out our presents. To know that my mother cared enough to give me her present even if it was inappropriate for a boisterous ten year old made it exactly the right thing. From it, I learned a lot about giving and gifts. Later when the world got a little more commercial and we were asked to make lists, I refused. I wasn't trying to be obstinate, I just understood that it wasn't about the item; it was about the reason for giving. I didn't want to taint the gift with my own desires.

Now, as I look at this gift of cancer, I don't especially like it. It drains me daily, both physically and emotionally. What it does do, that I like very much, is turn me to Christ all the time. For that, I am grateful even if I think the gift would have better been avoided.

Then there is the vine and the worm. After the prophet Jonah finally made it to Ninevah, the Ninevites listened to his message and repented. Jonah was angry that God would have compassion on such a hateful people so he went up to the top of a mountain overlooking the city and waited for God to destroy it. God felt sorry for Jonah, in spite of his attitude, and created a vine to give him shade. Jonah was happy about the vine. The next day, God created a worm to eat the vine. Jonah became very angry with God for killing the vine as it had provided shade for him while he waited to see the entire city destroyed. God asked Jonah how he could balance his anger for losing the vine with not being angry if an entire city was lost. Jonah never seemed to understand the grace God had provided. The story ends with a bitter man sitting on the side of a hill wishing to die.

Jonah completely missed the grace of God because he had his eyes fixed on what he wanted and not on what God wanted. He would not have been in the blazing sun had he not hoped that God would rescind His grace on Ninevah and destroy it as Jonah wished. Had Jonah understood the grace of the vine to cover his hot head and repented of his hardened heart, God would not have sent the worm to kill the vine.
This image is very frightening to me. It is so easy for me to question God's will. I pray for God's will, but I hope that it goes along with mine. I know that to be in His will is best for me, but it is hard to accept that His will for me is to continue in this cancer. If I fight His will then I will lose the blessing that He has in store for me. I do not want that.

Like Jonah, there are times when I am sitting on my mountain, angry with God for the decision He has made for me. This often comes when I see stories of others being healed. Lately, I have been bombarded by such stories in newsletters, radio messages, or personal testimonies. My initial response is to praise God for His grace for those people. Then I get on my mountain and ask why he hasn't done so for me.

Dozen's have given me possible answers as to why I have not been healed, but it all comes down to one thing. It is not God's will to heal me. That's a little hard to take. Therefore, my prayer continues to be for healing, but more for grace to accept that God is sovereign and He knows what is right for me. Truly, a lot of healing has gone on. Healing that I don't always look at because I am busy looking at what has not been healed. In reality, I am a miracle and my doctors use me to keep new doctors hoping for the better. God has been very good to me. He has provided the vine, but has not sent the worm.

A third image comes from Habakkuk:

"Fig trees may no longer bloom, or vineyards produce grapes; olive trees may be fruitless, and harvest time a failure; sheep pens may be empty, and cattle stalls vacant, but I will still celebrate because the LORD God saves me. The LORD gives me strength. He makes my feet as sure as those of a deer, and he helps me stand on the mountains. (Hab. 3:17-18)

This psalm from Habakkuk is about praising the Lord regardless of our circumstances. He has just predicted the fall of many nations including Judah. Yet, God is worthy of praise. Not because of what He has done for us, but because of who He is. God, the Creator, and Savior of the world. The One who holds every life preciously away from the brink of disaster is worthy of our praise at all times.

Tiny little person that I am, I cannot sit in judgment of His actions. I may question His actions, and for some reason He allows this, but I cannot judge them. He has a reason for the course of action He has taken in my life. My responsibility is to praise Him. I must give Him the glory He is due and worship Him no matter the circumstance.

This gift of cancer is like the lamp on the mantle. Given out of love and intended to heal a part of me broken by the world. It is also to teach me grace for those less fortunate than I. Those who do not have a God to love or to praise. In addition, it is to bring a song of praise to my lips in any circumstance. I pray for fulfillment of that gift, for truly I am not there yet.

I pray for the same things in your life. God is doing similar things for you. He has gifts for you that don't seem to fit. However, He can use them to bring you closer to Him. I pray that for each of you. Thank you so much for your prayers for me.

All my Love, Marj.