To my dear friends:
Sometimes vulnerability sneaks up and bites you just when you thought you were the strongest. When I was in my early teens, two men in our church were sexual predators. I was a target of theirs and was often caught by them. I thought I had learned to stay out of their clutches staying with the group and not running errands that removed me from the public eye. At that time, we had a church softball team on which I played. I always loved softball. I was good at it and it made me feel strong, successful, and useful. Even though I was a small girl, I could hit well and throw much better than many of the men. I was respected for my skills. I always felt safe there. One day, while at a park, playing another church, I needed a drink. I dashed off for the drinking fountain while we were up to bat. As I turned the corner, one of the predators was there. He grabbed me. Afterwards, he released me to return to the game. It took a long time for softball to be fun again.
Thankfully, it did become fun again but certainly not that day. I felt vulnerable and sad. I was not safe and certainly not strong: just wounded and betrayed.
I have felt very comfortable with this cancer for quite a while. It has its bad points, like fatigue and a frequent sick stomach, but overall it's not causing me a lot of grief. The tumors are shrinking and it seems that the direction is positive.
Wednesday's blood test showed that my hemoglobin had dropped severely. When my hemoglobin gets low because of the chemotherapy, I often need a couple units of blood to keep going, so Friday I went in for a blood transfusion. All of a sudden, the vulnerability came rushing to the surface. The hidden things that lurk around the corners seemed to be fully visible: I have a terrible disease!
This chemo is killing the tumors, that's true; it is also killing the bone marrow, the blood cells, skin cells, and hair cells. One cannot do this forever. Giving me more blood rejuvenates me for a little while but it does not take care of the body's inability to manufacture new cells. There is great loss all the time in this silent war.
I often forget that, I just go on as if all is well and on the outside, all is well. I am doing what I want to do and keeping myself quite busy. God and I have some wonderful conversations and I am enjoying my time working at the church and for the church. Lee and I have just had a wonderful vacation and are working around the house in the never-ending projects. This makes me think that all is well. Many times, I am gently reminded as I gasp at the top of stairs, or melt in the violent rays of our summer sun, that I am not truly well, but mostly, I think I am normal.
Eventually a drop in hemoglobin brings me back to reality. Six hours spent in the infusion center at City of Hope and four hours travel time is just a blip in reality, but it makes me feel vulnerable and sad. Like the softball game, I feel invaded.
God, however, knows how to make me feel okay even in the midst of these memories. Today, He gave me a nurse who really cared. That's not unusual at City of Hope, but this one was a Christian and just to know that she understood the same things I understood and prayed to the only true God made it so much better. It was a breath of fresh air on a long day. I know we talked too long but even though we had never met before, our mutual love for Christ became a friendship and soon we were sharing like old friends. Though she does not have cancer, she sees much more than I do as an oncology nurse. Her insights woven with Christian love made it seem so much sweeter. She was a gift for the day sent especially by God to help me. At this moment, I am strong and ready to work. I have almost the same amount of red blood cells as the rest of you and that is a good feeling. I am blessed.
Thank you for your prayers. I hear from many of you and it always makes me feel good to know that this blog helps others. If you have friends that need to read them, please pass them on. They are intended for all to read, you have my permission and encouragement. I am praying for you so please let me know what your needs are and how I can better pray for you.
Love, Marj.
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