To me dear Friends:
So this is cancer. It’s not really about the illness, it’s about the cure or treatment. Like many other problems, it seems like the problem was almost a co-habitant, not overbearing but eventually deadly. Then it became noticeable. From that point on it could not be ignored, had to be treated, now an enemy. This Thursday will be my last treatment. I’m not sad that the process is coming to an end and yet there is something emotional about that. An anxiety; what’s next, what will stay messed up in my body, will it come back, will I ever feel right again, how will we check, who stole the carefreeness of my life? Then the ultimate question is, "why all these questions?" Everything is circling right now. I want so badly to get back to my life; one that does not include weekly visits to the doctors’ one that stays somewhat the same from day to day, one where illness is a cold, the flu or a boo boo on my finger. I want to look at future things not the here and now, plan for classes, develop programs, teach others. I am ready, but. But what? Am I hesitant or just smarter? Do I know something now that I did not know before this weird season of my life? Does the knowing matter?
What I know is both positive and negative at the same time depending on what it causes me to do or not do. Life is not determined by my planning for it to be long or short. This I should have already known because quite a while ago I planned to make it short but God had another idea and He made it better and longer. Now I look to make it longer and He has reminded me that it could be shorter so don’t put off the important stuff. So maybe the question is, “What’s important?” What is important is what will make a difference in eternity for others. Can I help someone know who the Lord is? Can I disciple someone? Can I make friends with a non believer and show them how much God loves them? These are important things to do. Whether my life is short or long, my time must go to this.
I have also learned that there are no guarantees. Because I am well today and able to do whatever I want, does not mean that I will be so tomorrow. The converse is also true. Therefore, work out today as best you can. Tomorrow, you can work out tomorrow’s work. I must trust that God will direct my days as He sees fit. If He brings things into my life that limit me, then I will be limited. If He enhances my days then the day is highly blessed and I can relish in what we have accomplished together.
I have learned also that God has given me a short recall for dread and a long recall for grace. This is truly a gift. I am a thinker; it is hard for me to turn my mind off at any time. If you have that kind of mind, you know that it can be a curse. But God has done something wonderful in me. He has continually reminded me of His grace. He keeps me looking up and excited. I quickly forget the bad or uncomfortable. This keeps a smile on my face most of the time. I wonder why this gift feels untenable. I don’t trust it. Therefore, I am anxious about the future. My level ground has been rock strewn and filled with briars. But God, there’s that term again, has led me through without scratches or stubbed toes. Why don’t I trust Him more?
This is my focus. I must trust Him. God Almighty has proven trustworthy in so many ways. In Genesis, He said He would bring a redeemer, and He did. Jesus was born a man so that we could have eternal life. He said He would be faithful and He has. He has brought me through many rough times and never let me do it alone, even when I didn’t know He was there. Sometimes you can not see God looking ahead, you have to look back. Every time I look back I see how God has orchestrated the circumstances of my life so that I would love Him and be secure in His love for me. So now, I must turn and look ahead. Can I see the back of God as He leads me down the next path? Do I trust to follow His leading? If I am anxious, can I look carefully at what part of the future is not pleasing to God and remove it before I start? Can I give Him full and complete care of my body so that He is dealing with the cancer and the side effects?
This is my prayer request to you. Pray that I will seek God’s will. Pray that I will trust Him. Pray that you will know Him as well if not better than I do. Pray that in the time following this time, cancer will not return to my body unless it is God’s will to use it for His good pleasure. Thank you for all that you have done for me during this last four months. You have been the strength of God in human form. I love you all.
With all my love, Marj.
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