To my dear Friends:
For six short months, my life has been colored, shaped and draped in the progression of cancer. I had not expected to be there and am now moving into a new phase and have not really come to a place of complete closure. Is the cancer gone? Is the trigger that began this cancer gone? How will we check for it? How will we live?
The pronoun here is we because this is no longer my thing. My husband is connected with this at the cellular level. If I have cancer, in effect, so does he. Alas, for him the feeling is more helpless because he cannot fix it. The we also includes doctors and nurses, often very pragmatic, fighting for the same outcome, more interested in the battle than I. At a more distant and transitory level are friends and family who have joined the fight through prayer and concern. For them the fight appears to be over and I desire for them to rest for they have been holding the line for us when we could not and are so very important to the fight. Finally, the ultimate part of the we is God. Not just any god but God Almighty, the Lord of Hosts, God, with an army of angels ready to do battle. God who knows how the cancer cell works and what the rest of my days look like. This is the partner that I most depend upon and to whom I need to focus from this point on.
I do not wish to become a part of the tyranny of cancer. It is too easy to make this your life. This cannot be my focal point. I am sometimes angry at the demand that it makes upon me to notice, dote over, medicate, treat, respond and live as if this is the center of my life. I am certain that this is not the purpose of this disease. I believe that we are not to dwell on the cancer but on the life that is in opposition to the cancer.
The first time someone suggested to me that I had a disease that might kill me; my reaction was to fight it and live. Now as I look back I see that there is another reaction that is better, just to live knowing that you will die. For the real tyranny is not in the dying but in refusing to understand the transience of living.
At some level we all know that we are mortal beings but we have been duped into thinking that we have control over the length of our life. We want guarantees that we will live a long, fruitful life. The longer we live the more we see that we are the anomaly. People die all the time and at varying ages. We are alive only by the grace of God. It is very important to get a grip on this. We cannot live our life to preserve it. We must live it as a gift that has an unknown end. I have been diagnosed with cancer and according to one of my doctors, a cure really doesn’t exist. Therefore, I will die of cancer. Don’t bet on it. There is no more assurance of that today than there was the day I was born. Only God knows how and when I will die and He knows better than to reveal that to me.
So how do I live? How do I face each day with joy and excitement? I know of only one way, to know that eventually I will live in heaven. There the living is about living, here it is about dying. If my focus is on here then I will die an eternal death that will be terrible. If my focus is on heaven then I will die to a mortal life and begin an eternal life that will be beyond my wildest dreams.
How can I know that I will live in heaven? An important question if I am going to base my happiness on such a premise. I know because I have the promise in God’s word that He has made a place for me[1]. God has promised me that if I would make Jesus Christ Lord and Savior of my life then I would go to heaven[2]. That’s it! Too simple for some, to difficult for others, but 18 years ago God got a hold on my heart and helped me to understand that I should not be lord of my life and I needed to allow Jesus to rule my life. I made that step but did not always follow through. That relationship with Christ has grown consistently over the years. Not only has He given me the assurance of eternal life but He orders my days and gives meaning to what seems so meaningless in itself on this earth.
There are many tyrannies in this world. Things that bind us all and make us feel like we have no hope. Some live with debt that looms over them like a thunder cloud waiting to strike. Others have family relationships that only bring heartache and never a kind word. Many have cancer or chronic health problems that threaten their very existence on a daily basis. Don’t let these be tyrannies. Let go of this world. We are here to prepare for heaven but what good is the preparation if you will not go there? Jesus Christ is real, alive and wants to be your savior as well as mine. It is a free gift, take it[3].
Many of you who will read this have already taken that step and for you this letter is really to remind you of the importance of that step and to live it out daily. Many others of you have been supporting me during this time and this is my gift back to you. You have championed my cause through difficult times and I applaud you all, but what good will it do if you do not follow me to heaven. God knows your heart, He is just waiting for you to let go of it and give it to Him.
With all my love, Marj.
[1] John 14:2
[2] John 14:6
[3] Ephesians 2:8
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