To my dear friends:
I was sitting here thinking of the holidays and had a great urge to call my mother. That urge happens on rare occasions when the environment reminds me of her. She died in 2000 but the Christmas song I was trying to learn has a “torch” song type start to it and my mom liked the torch singers of her day quite a bit. She would have sparkled to see our Christmas Concert this year. I can see her eyes glow and the little impish smile she would get when she felt she should not have this much fun. My mom taught me about joy.
If you understood, her life there was no justification for joy. Widowed by 40, she lost ten children to poverty and disease. She raised the other five children on her own working many hours daily at menial jobs to give them a life. So where did the joy come from? It was a choice. I know that sounds trite but she still chose it instead of being bitter. She lived through enough bitterness in her 20’s and 30’s. It was no longer an option. For her, joy was a discipline. She knew the same God that I know but did not always depend on Him for her future. I wish she had, it would have been easier for her, I know.
True joy can only come by depending on something that will never change, leave, fail, or stop. There is only one who can do that, God Almighty. I am thankful this Thanksgiving for the God that brought me salvation through Jesus, who is forever faithful, and has promised to leave me never, who does not stop loving me even when I am unlovable. He has sustained me through my illness. As I lay down each night, hymns go through my head and remind me that He loves me. As I am lying awake in the middle of the night with pain, He speaks scripture into my head. When I am busy doing tasks to take my mind off the circumstance of life, He brings someone into my life to tell me that He appreciates my ministry. When I am laughing, because to live in this world for the short time we are prescribed is really funny, He laughs with me and bathes me in His love and care. This illness has only deepened that relationship. I never had any inclination of turning away from God but that was because He caught me first and let me know He would walk with me. I did not have to ask.
Nevertheless, what does joy look like? It is a warm place at the bottom of your heart that says you will be okay. No, it's not necessarily that you will be healed. I don’t know what the outcome of this cancer will be. I may be healed here on earth or I may wait for Heaven. I will be okay. Cancer has an element of hopelessness. Even though many go into remission or are “healed,” many get it repeatedly, if they survive the treatment. My hope cannot be rooted in being healed. What makes my heart warm is that God has promised me Heaven. Dying to this world is only a move to Heaven. Cancer helps make you hungry for heaven. Joy is also a continued dialogue with someone you love. God uses scripture, songs, preaching and friends to dialogue with me all day. There is no other voice that can bring you joy. There is nothing but hope in God’s message. His dialogue with me is one of love, “I will be with you.” One of peace “I bring you peace,” one of rebuke “Keep your eyes on Me.” One of faith “I will never leave you or forsake you”. Joy is also a reaction. One of the medications I have been getting lately has the quality of anxiety to it. This is difficult for me because it is foreign and it took me a few days to figure out what was going on. Once I understood it, I chose not to let it be my reaction. My body still felt anxious but I know there is no reason for it. I would filter all my words through God’s filter before I said anything. That anxiety did not really materialize to hurt others even it if was a fight for me from time to time. If I will filter all of my life through God’s filters, it will be quite peaceful. We are only here for a vapor. How are we living? I want to live to make a little difference. I want to live for God, sold out and no longer living for me. I want to finish panting with nothing left to give. I want to finish thankful for the run, thankful for the time, thankful for the friends, thankful for the gift of life. I will choose joy.
I am also thankful for you, because you are God’s voice and hands to me. You are the warmth, love and care that God wants to impart to me. I don’t know why you do it, but I love it and find it very necessary to my healing. I pray that this thanksgiving is special for you and that as the advent of Christ’s birth begins you will praise God for His Son.
With all my love, Marj.
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