God and Cancer: Learning to Live

To my dear Friends:
There is a song that has always meant so much to me because of one single line “I will never be the same again”. It means a lot to me because I have seen that when God changes a heart it is for ever. It doesn’t change back. So I know that I can never become what I was. And in all reality, I never want to. For who I am in Christ is a completely different person. The other day that song came to mind and I realized that the meaning of the phrase has other significant meanings that did not bring peace to my heart.

As I go though this Chemotherapy, the fight gets harder to maintain any semblance of health. This last bout knocked my white blood count down so low that it would not come back on its own so I had to take daily shots of Neupogen to build it back up. The side effects are similar to the chemo, therefore, prolonging the amount of time that I am in pain. And I thought “I will never be the same again” but this time the meaning was crushing. I have not mourned the loss of health. Partly because I have tried to keep my exercise level high and my diet correct. I have pretended that the tri-weekly poisoning was not taking much of a toll. Compared to some, it is not. But then, how do I understand all the little mechanisms of the body that are being forced on and off by the drugs. What makes me think that things will just go back to “normal” when all this is done? Then again, does that matter?

Most think that it is enough to be alive and I think that is somewhat valid. I like living and I love the people that God has brought me to know. There was a time, before my song, before I knew Christ, that I did not like living; there was no hope no sense of life. Dying was not a bad idea, life was painful. But God has shown me His love and given me His grace. I am in love with the life He has given me. I know where I am going and I am not afraid to die but what about the here and now? Am I ready for a different life here? Am I enough in love with the elements of this life to live it differently if I need to? All these are just questions. I do not have the answers. I do know this, however. God has given me the grace that I have needed thus far and I don’t think He is going to withhold it in the future. God is faithful even when doctors, drugs and life are not. Thank you for all your prayers, cards and thoughts. I live on them all
With all my love, Marj

Random Thoughts

February 17, 2010
Today I have turned 63. That may not seem like much but I will spend the day with surgeons and oncologists. This has become a way of life. Some don't understand the joy that I have but at least I am here to spend this day. That is a miracle.
February 17, 2009
Today is my birthday. Who would have thought? I will spend it working then visiting the homes of people new to our church. Can't think of a better way to spend it. I never thought I would see 60 and now I am 62. God has been very good.
February 5, 2009
It's been raining for two days and I have cabin fever. Stuck inside and no creativity. I keep planning to get outside and work because everything I do is outside. I put on my outside clothes and wait. It still rains. Oh well. We need the rain. I just wanted to tell you that the tumors have shrunk. The doubling of the chemo has had some positive effect on the tumors. Those I can palpate, are smaller and the side effects from the other tumors has decreased. The down side is that it is also lowering my blood counts so I am anemic and that makes it hard to work physically hard. If it keeps raining, who would know? Just wanted to say Hi. Love, Marj.

December 25, 2008
This has been a good Christmas in many ways but it has brought up an interesting side thought. I feel responsible for the grief my death will cause. I have already grieved my death and am on the other side but others have not. I think of my husband and many close friends who have not stepped back from a dying friend. They are my lifeline and I love them but I cannot fix this. They will have to grieve in their time. I must let God do it when it is time. I know He has done it for me.
December 5, 2008
I am off chemo for a week. (my idea). Then will start back at twice the strength. Many of the tumors in the abdomen have stayed stable in the last two months but some have grown 25%. Those that we can feel, and are growing, seem to be growing a cystic growth that may not be cancer. No one seems to know if that is what the body does to protect itself or if it is pre cancerous. In any event, the stuff that makes me sick we will continue at twice the rate. Hmmmmm.
November 17, 2008
I was reading of the crucifixion of Christ today and was struck with how Christ could see the redemption of the cross and overlook the offense of the cross. As I look at my own life I realize how easily I look at the offense, or assumed offense. I do not automatically see the redemption or forgiveness. I do not see the good in the thing. I see the offense. It is easy for me to see the offense of cancer but hard to see the redemptive quality. This is where I must focus.
November 15, 2008
It has been an interesting week. My digestive system has stopped me from any evening activity all week. These are the ministries that I think define me. I am surprised at the ease of giving in to my body. I am not depressed or angry. God has graced me during this week. The time with Lee has been sweet. I will try to minister next week. Marj.

God and Cancer

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Learning to Live - November 13, 2005

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