God and Cancer: Courting God - October 26, 2005

To my dear Friends:
Seems like I have a need to be reflective when chemotherapy sessions are about to happen. I guess they remind me that I have cancer. I don’t often feel like I have it until I pass a mirror and see this little bald head. Then I remember. I am beginning to relax with this procedure. I can’t say that it is fun but then it’s not supposed to be fun.

Tomorrow will be my third treatment and that is a nice place to be. It marks the halfway point. The treatment does not hurt, though it does hold me captive for many hours. The next week is quite uncomfortable but causes me to stay working because being still is just too bothersome. When I look at that as the worst side effects then, I have very little to complain about.

I believe that the prayers of so many people have been the cause of such an easy reaction to this therapy. I know that God has been there when I most needed Him. He has taken away pain, anxiety, anger, and fear simply by my request. He has driven me deep into His heart. I have learned that He has great compassion and desires my dialogue with Him.

About eight weeks ago, I was eager to study Hosea, so my Bible study tackled it. Old Testament prophets are not that easy to understand so it was not a simple task to take on. We worked diligently and discovered that Hosea is a great love story.

God has amazing capacity and a driving desire to love and be loved by His people, nor is He passive. He is not the big ruler in the sky who can only hand down judgment. He will do whatever it takes to win you back to Him. I am comforted by the thought that I am called beloved. It doesn’t matter to God if I have cancer or if I am bald, or have two black eyes (which I do right now). God loves me, He always has. For that reason, my days look the same now as they did before I knew that I had cancer.

Cancer will not change my relationship with God because He is an active participant. When I don’t feel like reading my Bible, He makes me hungry for His word. When I am too tired to sing, He brings a song to my heart. When I feel completely unloved, He loves me with the actions of my husband, a card from a friend, or an email from one of you. He reminds me all the time that He cares enough to meet my needs. How lovely it is to be loved by God. This time of deepening, my relationship with God is one to be cherished. I know that I will never be the same again: and I am glad.

Thank you for your prayers, they are felt. Thank you for your cards and emails; you are an instrument of God’s own hand. Thank you for your love; you are the mirror of God. Without you, how would I know what God is like?
With all my love, Marj.

Random Thoughts

February 17, 2010
Today I have turned 63. That may not seem like much but I will spend the day with surgeons and oncologists. This has become a way of life. Some don't understand the joy that I have but at least I am here to spend this day. That is a miracle.
February 17, 2009
Today is my birthday. Who would have thought? I will spend it working then visiting the homes of people new to our church. Can't think of a better way to spend it. I never thought I would see 60 and now I am 62. God has been very good.
February 5, 2009
It's been raining for two days and I have cabin fever. Stuck inside and no creativity. I keep planning to get outside and work because everything I do is outside. I put on my outside clothes and wait. It still rains. Oh well. We need the rain. I just wanted to tell you that the tumors have shrunk. The doubling of the chemo has had some positive effect on the tumors. Those I can palpate, are smaller and the side effects from the other tumors has decreased. The down side is that it is also lowering my blood counts so I am anemic and that makes it hard to work physically hard. If it keeps raining, who would know? Just wanted to say Hi. Love, Marj.

December 25, 2008
This has been a good Christmas in many ways but it has brought up an interesting side thought. I feel responsible for the grief my death will cause. I have already grieved my death and am on the other side but others have not. I think of my husband and many close friends who have not stepped back from a dying friend. They are my lifeline and I love them but I cannot fix this. They will have to grieve in their time. I must let God do it when it is time. I know He has done it for me.
December 5, 2008
I am off chemo for a week. (my idea). Then will start back at twice the strength. Many of the tumors in the abdomen have stayed stable in the last two months but some have grown 25%. Those that we can feel, and are growing, seem to be growing a cystic growth that may not be cancer. No one seems to know if that is what the body does to protect itself or if it is pre cancerous. In any event, the stuff that makes me sick we will continue at twice the rate. Hmmmmm.
November 17, 2008
I was reading of the crucifixion of Christ today and was struck with how Christ could see the redemption of the cross and overlook the offense of the cross. As I look at my own life I realize how easily I look at the offense, or assumed offense. I do not automatically see the redemption or forgiveness. I do not see the good in the thing. I see the offense. It is easy for me to see the offense of cancer but hard to see the redemptive quality. This is where I must focus.
November 15, 2008
It has been an interesting week. My digestive system has stopped me from any evening activity all week. These are the ministries that I think define me. I am surprised at the ease of giving in to my body. I am not depressed or angry. God has graced me during this week. The time with Lee has been sweet. I will try to minister next week. Marj.

God and Cancer

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Courting God - October 26, 2005

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