God and Cancer: Jesus My Friend

To my dear friends:
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16 NIV)
Thursday I will have my second chemotherapy treatment. It has been three weeks since the first and I would be the first to admit that it was not as physically challenging as I had expected. I believe that prayer from so many people had very much to do with that. There were only about five days where my joints and bones were in considerable pain because the chemo attacks the bone marrow. After that, I was strong and grateful.

Now I face round two. My body is not in the same condition as the first bout. My blood counts are noticeably lower. I am fighting off a cold and I know what to expect. Actually, I don’t know what to expect. I anticipate dropping deeper into pain for a longer period, and I am anxious.
A friend said to me one day, and I am sorry that I don’t remember which one, that this ordeal would help me get closer to Jesus’ suffering. I don’t think I can even approach the suffering Jesus went though, nor will I feel holier through this suffering. What I do know is that I have a better understanding of His burden and Gethsemane. I can’t imagine knowing all that would go on there and still be willing do so. How can I fathom that kind of love? I know the dread that I feel over what I know and don’t know. It doesn’t compare with what Jesus went through. I am awe stuck and I bow to praise Him for doing something so awful, with His eyes wide open, for someone like me.

For me, comfort comes in the fact that Jesus knows my anxiety. He knows how to give me grace. He is not aloof, or unknowing. I can simply groan and He will know the ache in my heart. A wise priest whose tears and sweat were beyond me will wipe my tears. Oh how easy it is to feel His arms around me when I realize that His toes have been to the same line and He has not backed off, but willingly stayed to the test. I will go also to the test before me, but I will have Jesus walking with me, speaking words of comfort in my ear, Jesus, my high priest.

I know that you are praying for me. I feel it. Please continue, I write to you so that you will know how to pray. There are times when I do not know how I should pray; the thoughts and feelings are overwhelming. I need you to speak what I can only weep. Thank you for your faithfulness and love.
With all my love, Marj.

Random Thoughts

February 17, 2010
Today I have turned 63. That may not seem like much but I will spend the day with surgeons and oncologists. This has become a way of life. Some don't understand the joy that I have but at least I am here to spend this day. That is a miracle.
February 17, 2009
Today is my birthday. Who would have thought? I will spend it working then visiting the homes of people new to our church. Can't think of a better way to spend it. I never thought I would see 60 and now I am 62. God has been very good.
February 5, 2009
It's been raining for two days and I have cabin fever. Stuck inside and no creativity. I keep planning to get outside and work because everything I do is outside. I put on my outside clothes and wait. It still rains. Oh well. We need the rain. I just wanted to tell you that the tumors have shrunk. The doubling of the chemo has had some positive effect on the tumors. Those I can palpate, are smaller and the side effects from the other tumors has decreased. The down side is that it is also lowering my blood counts so I am anemic and that makes it hard to work physically hard. If it keeps raining, who would know? Just wanted to say Hi. Love, Marj.

December 25, 2008
This has been a good Christmas in many ways but it has brought up an interesting side thought. I feel responsible for the grief my death will cause. I have already grieved my death and am on the other side but others have not. I think of my husband and many close friends who have not stepped back from a dying friend. They are my lifeline and I love them but I cannot fix this. They will have to grieve in their time. I must let God do it when it is time. I know He has done it for me.
December 5, 2008
I am off chemo for a week. (my idea). Then will start back at twice the strength. Many of the tumors in the abdomen have stayed stable in the last two months but some have grown 25%. Those that we can feel, and are growing, seem to be growing a cystic growth that may not be cancer. No one seems to know if that is what the body does to protect itself or if it is pre cancerous. In any event, the stuff that makes me sick we will continue at twice the rate. Hmmmmm.
November 17, 2008
I was reading of the crucifixion of Christ today and was struck with how Christ could see the redemption of the cross and overlook the offense of the cross. As I look at my own life I realize how easily I look at the offense, or assumed offense. I do not automatically see the redemption or forgiveness. I do not see the good in the thing. I see the offense. It is easy for me to see the offense of cancer but hard to see the redemptive quality. This is where I must focus.
November 15, 2008
It has been an interesting week. My digestive system has stopped me from any evening activity all week. These are the ministries that I think define me. I am surprised at the ease of giving in to my body. I am not depressed or angry. God has graced me during this week. The time with Lee has been sweet. I will try to minister next week. Marj.

God and Cancer

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Jesus My Friend - October 15, 2005

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