To my dear friends:
The climb from Onion Valley is a 2000 foot rise from the trail head to the Kearsarge Pass which crosses the Sierra Nevada range. It is a one and a half mile trail to the summit. From that point the trail runs twelve miles down hill on a gentle slope. Lee and I are carrying moderate packs for a three-day hike. As we start the climb, I am already aware of the altitude but, determine to just over-breathe and make the climb. We need to be over the pass and in the next valley before dark to be safe and have a place to camp.
Lee is having more trouble then I with the altitude and requires rest stops several times along the way. At first I am surprised by his need to rest, then I am alarmed. Finally, I realize that we will not make the summit today. Lee has not acclimatized to the 8,500 foot altitude and will have to return to the lower elevation.
The next day we try the climb. He does better but half way to the summit he begins to hallucinate and talk of things that have not happened. Again we return to base camp.
This is frustrating for me. I am a climber and love going up. The pressure energizes me. I would prefer never to stop, just keep pushing. Then I realize that there is no way that Lee is going to make this hike. It doesn't matter that most of it is downhill. He cannot overcome altitude sickness and shortness of breath to make the summit, especially with a pack.
There begins a great upheaval in my heart. I am greatly concerned about Lee, but I also want to get to the summit. I don't want to push Lee but I want to push myself all the way. I find that I cannot have both.
We spend another day at the trailhead doing logistical things for our friends coming from the other side. Finally, knowing that we will not make this hike, we shed our packs and make a day hike out of it. At least we can try to get to the summit and see what lay ahead. Lee has acclimatized a bit and is willing to try to accommodate my need to finish what we started to some degree. We make it to the summit, with several stops along the way. I am gratified to know that I have been at the highest pass of the Sierras and we return to the trailhead feeling like we accomplished something.
This cancer is not unlike that climb. Many times I have tried to make it to the top encumbered by fears, anger and an urgency to get over the top. God has stopped me many times. He has made me rest and even sent me back down the mountain. I have not been happy with everything He has done.
Today, we are back at the trailhead. Acclimatizing to real life and waiting for the right time. This last chemotherapy was very hard on my body. By the time it was finished, my body was not rebounding as it had in the past. It was time to come off the mountain. I could no longer push for the summit. God had deemed it time for a rest. I admit to you that I wasn't very happy about the idea. I am afraid of rest breaks feeling as if the enemy is lurking on the sidelines just waiting for me to stop. God, however, has ordained this rest and He will watch the enemy. My job is to get ready for the next assault.
We descended our mountain less than a week ago. The decision was to leave all treatment for two months. Take a rest. I will have a physical exam in August and a CT scan in September. If there are any problems at those times, we will address them. My job is to build my body and my spirit back up.
I find that the spirit is easier to build at this point. I have accepted the rest and am shifting into normal life. I am redoing a bible study I wrote years ago which is forcing me to focus on God's word. That is in addition to daily prayer and Bible reading. My time with the Lord has not diminished. It has deepened.
The physical takes more discipline. I have to plan meals, work out on my treadmill and Bowflex machines. There is also a need to reduce the number of drugs in my body at one time. When I am doing chemotherapy, several drugs that are habit forming make life much more livable. I am now working at removing those from my daily life. I know that I will be back on them if we do chemotherapy again, but at the time, I need to get off them.
All of this to prepare for the next climb. I want to be less encumbered, more fit and ready for the summit. As with any trailhead, I can look at the maps and ask others about the trail, but I will not know the trail until I walk it. This trail may be chemotherapy. It may be surgery. Both are a possibility. It may even be nothing. Whatever it is, I will be ready in spirit and body because God has designed the rest and He will give me the strength and discipline to be ready.
You have been the backbone of my strength through your prayers. This is not a time for me to sit back and forget the urgency of God's leading. I ask that you do not relent in your prayers. God has a plan and we are willing to follow that plan. Will you help us with your prayers and encouragement?
Thank you,
Love, Marj.
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