To my dear Friends:
Isaiah 6: 10 "Make the heart of this people calloused; make their ears dull and close their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and turn and be healed." (NIV)
We are now living in a time when we cannot see God's plan. Lee and I have gone the distance with this last series of chemotherapy treatments. We know very little. The tumors are still present, possibly smaller, but still there. We will have a CT scan on July 17 to determine how effective the chemo has been. At that time, we will decide the next step. At present, we don't know the options. We are not aware of God's plan, or man's for that matter. I feel like the people of Judah that Isaiah is talking about. My eyes have been closed and my ears dulled.
God closed the eyes and ears of His people so that they would not repent and receive mercy. That doesn't sound like a merciful God but what He had in mind was bigger than temporary mercy. The people of Judah needed to go through the exile so that they would deepen their relationship with God. If He saved them too soon, the exile would be prolonged and God did not want that. God also knew that, as with Nineveh, if the people repented He would provide mercy. He is a merciful God. Therefore, His only choice was not to allow this people to see His plan until the plan was complete.
I wish I could say it was a good time for the people of Judah but it was not. Many were killed, taken captive, or left destitute but in the end, God's plan to bring the people back to Him was complete. The exile ended, the temple rebuilt, and their eyes and ears opened.
Lee and I are now living in that "exile" time. We do not see God's plan. We have asked for it, but find no answer. We must live by faith. God has not changed. We can look back and see His loving hand in so many events of our lives. There is no reason to think that He is not involved in the current events. We have learned, over time, to let God control things and we will go with the flow. That has been difficult in this silent time.
During this last treatment series, both Lee and I became anxious over the inaction. We interpreted it as a lack of care by our doctors, even a sense of abandonment. Our response was to try to control things ourselves. I found myself trying to get doctors to do what I wanted and Lee was returning to his "Marine" stance of protecting his wife at all cost. We were not happy and the relationship we have worked so hard to develop with our doctors was in jeopardy. We felt like no one was listening. Too much of our energy was spent trying to manage things.
One night, in an evening prayer, I called out to God and just asked Him why? What was going on and how had things gotten so far out of whack? In the morning, in our regular Bible reading, we read the verses in Isaiah 6. My body immediately relaxed as I realized that God had purposely blinded our eyes-- why?
For the people in Isaiah's time it was to bring about a greater purpose. In my life, it may be the same. He may have something that is more important than my understanding His plan. He is requiring us to live by faith; not allow the plan to drive our life. Make the days count for something bigger. Start each day to do something for Christ. Enjoy the time for now and let the plan take care of itself. Give control back to God.
We are walking blind. The tumors are still there. We don't know if the doctors will try to treat it with more chemotherapy, surgery or do nothing. Each of those ideas takes a little evaluation and prayer for Lee and me.
The idea of more chemotherapy rattles my brain. For me, the chemo has been difficult, but not debilitating. It leaves me constantly sick and weak, but has not stopped me from doing what I want to do. I see it only as a matter of time. Each chemo makes me sicker and weaker; I don't think I can do it indefinitely.
Surgery is something Lee fears more than I. I think part of it is because he is not allowed to participate. As soon as I am wheeled away, he is left to wait and then watch the recovery process. He feels helpless. I like surgery because it is quick and aggressive. The problem with surgery for these tumors is that there are about 13 of them in varying sizes all through my abdomen. It would be a large surgery and two of the tumors will be difficult to get at and may cause me to need a colostomy. There is also the problem of getting all the cancer. If one cell is left then the surgery has only prolonged the time before the cancer will grow into something that must be eventually dealt with again.
A third option is to let it go. The tumors are not in any organ, but in time, they will likely grow and assault the organs, which can be fatal. There is no suggestion of how long that would take since we have not seen any typical behavior in these tumors.
If there are other options for me at this time, we don't know what they are. Certainly, one is God's healing and that is always possible. We do not know if that is part of His plan. It would be our desire by any means that He chooses. At this point, He has not revealed it to us. Our exile is one of uncertainty. It seems our best option is to have faith and trust that God's will be done.
Please pray for God's will to be done. We are but servants to our Lord, Jesus Christ. We want His will to be done in all parts of our lives. This cancer consumes a lot or our life and we would rather it didn't. Help us, through your prayers, to know how to respond to doctors, to each other and to the many people we meet in this process. Help us to be a light to others and to be that remnant that does not go into exile. I would pray that God would open our eyes and ears to His plan, but only if the exile is over. If it is for His purpose that our eyes have been shut, then so be it.
Thank you for your continued prayer. We will let you know what it going on as it is revealed to us.
With all my love, Marj.
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