Lost - June 15, 2008

To my dear friends:

The sky was turning silver and the sound of thunder over my right shoulder suggested that this would be a good night to find shelter. I was in the Sierra Nevada's between alpine huts. I was lost only because I didn't know where I needed to go to get to a hut. There are several in the area and I had been on the trails for two days. I needed shelter, time to clean up and restock. A bear was following me, as he had been, for more than a day. I pulled out my map and tried to think. These were the days before cell phones and GPS'. A topographic map was your best friend. I knew where I had been and I thought I knew where I was going but I should have been there yesterday. I wasn't afraid. In the Sierras, everywhere gets back to somewhere. It's too well populated and I always carried enough food and water to walk out of any area. However, knowing you will eventually get out and not knowing if you will sleep in a gully with a bear are two entirely different things. I set my bearings with my trusty compass and walked on. Two hours later the glow of an alpine hut filled the forest, "Ah, a place to stop for the night and avoid the storm".

That is a feeling I have never forgotten.

I have always been more comfortable with being lost than those who are with me. My husband hates it when I get us lost, especially on foot. He knows it means more steps than he wants to take. He has become wary and tries to assure himself of the route home in case I lose the way. I find myself lost in stores, forests, parks, anywhere you walk. When I walk, my head is down so that I don't trip. I see ants, bugs, and rocks but I don't see signs or significant landmarks. The other problem is that when I turn around it looks different than it did the other way. It confuses me and I just don't know where I am. I can't run the script backwards. What bothers others is that it doesn't much bother me. I always believe I will get back to where I am going. So far, I have been right.

With this cancer, I feel lost. I am not as comfortable with it as with a trail. I am walking with my head down. I see all the little things; the chemo, blood counts, bills, drugs, aches and pains. Much like the rocks, if I am not careful they will trip me up. This last week has been a little more difficult. My body has decided to become anemic in response to the chemotherapy. Usually it takes six weeks to knock it down to blood transfusion level. This time it only took three. I don't know where we are going with this. I can't find the hut for shelter. I think of all the ifs and they don't make sense. I have one more round of chemo. Will I need a transfusion for that one? Will my body even be ready to take the poison of the chemo and drugs? What if I miss that round? I am stressed over questions that can't be answered. Lost in a forest of trees that have no directions on them. Where is the topo map?

Then I realize there is no map. Nobody knows where we are going. When I was young and traveling the Sierras alone, I would laugh when I got lost because I couldn't be lost, I didn't know where I was going in the first place. Now, without moving, I feel lost because I can't see where I am going, yet, I must go there anyway. Only the steps are guided and most are not guided by me. I am given a plan for the next three weeks. It changes at least three times before it is accomplished. Then we start the next plan. I just walk from hut to hut, shelter to shelter. Then begin again on a plan for the next three weeks. I guess that I am getting weary of plans that do not lead to a destination. I can't hitchhike to another "forest" and start there. I must stay with the plan and see it to the end.

In actuality, I have a map for this hike. I just don't always get it out and put it all together. Sometimes, I am too busy hiking through the plan to step back and look at the whole picture. Scripture provides the map for this walk. It not only lays out the daily plan but also the big picture so I know where I am going and how I am to walk. Like my big forest topo map, there are no little ants, rocks, or bears on the map just steady, non-changing landscape. Verses that are always true, guidelines that will not change. People who have been where I am and beyond in their walk. How many times did I wish someone would happen down the trail who had been where I was and could tell me where I was going? Scripture has people like that. I see their life story and am right in the middle of it. They point ahead to the cross and remind me that is the light in the forest. This will give me shelter. This is the place where the bear cannot go and the storm stays outside.

There is no word in the Bible for cancer. I'm not sure there was cancer back then. It doesn't really matter. People had pain, affliction, fear, hopelessness, anger, and felt lost. The remedy was the same, Jesus. It's the same today. I find that I am so caught up with my little trail that I fail to focus on Jesus. I feel my joy seeping out of me as I count every little lost red blood cell. I get lost in the minutia of the days. I must return to Jesus. I have to keep telling people about Jesus. I must live for the adventure He puts into my life.

You are the people who pray for me. I know that many of you are praying for a miracle. Thank you for that. I am sure that God still does miracles and your prayers can be powerful. Pray for the miracle of joy for me. I need to be excited to be alive. I need to have my life overflow into the lives of others. I need to find my way back to the arms of Jesus and live for today. Please continue to pray.

With all my love: Marj.