To my dear friends:
We have all been told that cars are dangerous and that many will die while driving. Suppose you are told that you will die while driving your car. If you are told that you will die the next time you drive your car, you will probably not drive it. If that news comes to you after you are in it and are not able to get out, the trip will be frightening and all you will think about is when, where, how. However, if you are told that you will die in a car crash at some time and it won't be very soon, but soon enough, you will be wary for a while but then lose some of the edge. Finally, you will drive as normal until there is a narrow escape and then you will be wary again. This pattern will repeat itself many times and then one day that accident will happen and you will die.
A friend of mine just found out that he has a terminal disease. It will likely take his life in a short time. He is frightened. He's a Christian and knows he is going to Heaven but there is more to this than knowing you are going to Heaven. There is good reason why God is the only one who truly knows when we will die.
I remember when we first heard that I had cancer. I was as frightened as if I was in the car that was going to crash immediately. It was all I could think about and it never gave me comfort, but the crash never happened. I realized that the journey was longer than I had anticipated. I saw that there was beauty to be seen and experienced along the way. Many times, I forgot about the crash and sat back to enjoy the ride. Other times, the ride would get scary. New tumors would be found. Surgeries that seemed simple became complicated. Treatments that seemed routine came close to taking my life. I was back to the same frightening place where death seemed imminent.
In those times of fear, the only answer has been the Lord. Jesus Christ has sent the Comforter for such a time as this. He reminds me that even if this is the last time I will ride down this road, He won't leave. He reminds me of the passages I read when the road was smooth and comforting. He sings the songs in my head that I love so much. He uses my husband to remind me of the closeness and strength of love that He has for me.
I wish that I could say that I don't ever think about the end of the road anymore, but I do. Not with as much dread as I used to. God has given me grace in this area and I know He will continue to do so as I need it. He will be with me as I go through that crash and land on the Heaven side of life. Then, He will rejoice with me.
Right now, I am cruising. I am headed down the road, not paying much attention to the eventual outcome. This cancer and I are cohabitating for as long as it behaves. I am not taking chemo and we are watching the tumors' behavior with CT scans every two months. So far, there has little to no change in the tumors. As long as that continues, we will cruise along and enjoy the scenery. I know that there will come a time, maybe soon, maybe later, when we will have to accept the invasion of these tumors or fight for the territory of my body. That bump in the road is not now and so I think I will leave it for the Lord. When it is time, we will talk about it. If it scares me then I know that I am not alone. I will go through the scary stuff with the Comforter at my side.
Please pray that this recurrent cancer stays quiet. It does have side effects that are uncomfortable for some part of every day. They cause pressure to my colon, which makes it angry, especially in the afternoon. There are tumors that ache when I move and others that are rubbed by clothing and get painful. All of these are things I can tolerate. They don't come close to what chemo does to me and they do not interfere with my ability to work, play, workout, or run. So they are small irritations that just remind me that this car is still on a crash course. Help me to relax with the ride and enjoy the freedoms I have right now. Pray for my friend as he begins this journey. I know the route and I know the Comforter. Pray that the two of them will find a close relationship.
With all my love, Marj.
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