Be Still and Know - September 16, 2008

To my dear friends:
Be still and know that I am God. Psalms 46:10a

How do you know when you have done enough? Lee, in his book The Outpost War, tells the story of a Marine in a battle for a hill in the Korean War. The young man fought courageously until he was ultimately wounded and captured. As Chinese soldiers took him away, he heard other soldiers coming up the hill. He was sure it was Marines coming to retake the position but it would be too late for him. The Marine lived most of his life thinking that he should have done more, that his salvation had been so close at hand.

As it turned out, what he heard was more Chinese troops climbing up the hill. Had he not stopped fighting when he did, he most surely would have died. It was many years later that he learned the truth and that truth did, in fact, set him free from his lingering guilt and shame.
I feel like I am on that hill. My fight has been long and the wounds are visible. I can still fight, but I wonder, is it the right thing to do? Will the fight just aggravate the enemy? Do I even understand who the enemy is? No doubt, that Marine was in many fights before this one. What was different? What caused him to stop this time? How overpowered do you have to be to quit fighting and surrender? Will I look back in regret and realize that my help was near? I have no answers and I find it difficult to be still.

I have been off chemotherapy since late June. By now, the effects are gone and my body is beginning to act as it should. I am stronger, my blood is normal and I can think whole thoughts without the cloud of chemo. We have done two CT scans and see little growth in the tumors in my abdomen. The time has been spent trying to control the symptoms caused by the tumors pressing on my digestive system. We are making some headway.

This is a good report, but it is not all that there is. The tumors are growing and will eventually invade whatever organ they choose. There is microscopic cancer throughout my abdomen that could at any time travel to other parts of my body. God has not seen fit to heal me at this time.
The absolute unknown is time. How long, Lord? What have you given me time to do? Am I to fight? Am I to surrender? To fight would mean to try another chemo. Surgery, for us, is out of the question. There is too much and the cancer is too diversified. The damage would be beyond rational thinking. So, shall I try another chemo and deal with the side effects? Will it lengthen my life? Will it merely change my life? What about ministry, will I be able to continue? If I surrender, and not submit to chemo, will I look back later and realize that my help was near? I do not know.

The answer to all of this is God. Understand this; God's will is not always as clear as I would like it. I do not know what He wants nor do I know that it matters to Him that I do chemo or not. He knows when I am coming home and how. It is arrogant of me to think that I can change that in any way. All I want to do is His will and yet I am clouded by the fight that is before me. I think it is more important that I be in God's will rather than do God's will.

As I read His scripture, I see that He is more concerned about the heart of the man than the actions of the man. I need to be centered in Him. I need to love Him and accept His love. I need to give that love to others and glorify Him in all that I do. What I do must be motivated by that love. I will admit to you that there is great challenge in such a statement. Cancer has a way of making you look inward. I find it a fight to keep my focus on others. I want to love myself more than others. Without God's love, it is impossible for me to love others the way God wants me to. So you see it is not what I do but how I do it.

"Be still." Listen. God has placed on my heart what He wants there. I must fathom the depths of my heart and decide from there for it does not matter to God if I take chemo or not. That is mine to decide. I want Him to decide for me so that I do not have to. He is not taking it back. He is a good father. He knows I need to own this decision, and I have made it.

I think it is time to renew the fight. I do not want to look back and wonder if my help was near. I want to fight back. I want to defeat the evil thing that is climbing the hill to take my life. Winning is not important, to resist is.

Please pray for us. Every new treatment comes with anxiety. We will not start this for several weeks. Pray that if this is not the right thing for me to do that my heart will tell me. Pray that my husband's wisdom will help in guiding me for he too must live with the consequences. I do not want him to look back and wonder if our help was near and we surrendered too soon. Thank you for your love and friendship.

Love, Marj.