Borders of Our Lives - October 20, 2008

To my dear friends:

I love singing poets. It allows the emotion of the words to come through even if you are not sure of their meaning. In "Dangling Conversation" by Paul Simon, each verse ends with "at (are) the borders of our lives." One must ask, what does the borders of our lives means. For Paul Simon, I think it means the edge of our thinking-- places that are safe, nothing deep. The kind of conversation one has on a first date, or in line at the grocery store. The song further conveys a futility of lives lived on the borders; Lives that never go deep, never seem to be lived fully. It is a mournful ditty with a sense of sadness.

I have a different picture of what "the borders of our lives" might mean. If I just think of this paper, the borders are blank; they direct you to the middle of the page. The depth of the prose is not in the borders, but is focused by the borders. The paper would look wrong without borders and would give a sense of disorientation. We expect the border. Additionally, the border can be controlled for thickness, smoothness, and balance. The borders orient the paper, direct the thought through the title, and sequence it with page numbers.

Without the body of the paper, however, the border has no power. The body gives meaning, questions, and sometimes answers. The body is the reason for the paper and the border the antithesis. We cannot do without either. When we write papers, we concern ourselves with the body then format the border. In doing so, we are looking for a style to match our thoughts, appropriate placement on the page and accurate direction. A small border suggests that there is more than we can get on this page. A large border might mean that we are trying to look like we said a lot, or we may want the artistic look, or drama, of a variable border. Then again, when we want a specific number of pages, the border becomes a tool to manifest this. It is intrinsic to how the body will fit the desired pages. Borders should never be decided first, for to do so limits the creativity and presentation of the body. It falsely defines the length and breadth of the body and is not attuned to the nature of the body.

Simon, however, is looking deeper than words or paper. He is looking at the borders of our lives. To him, the borders of our lives are the trite, insignificant things that we do or talk about. There is also a sense that they are the beginning and the ends of our lives that do not really matter. He sees them as having height to block out others from the body of our lives. In this case, borders are negative. I see where Paul Simon is coming from but I don't necessarily agree with him.

I think the borders of our lives give us the place for things that entertain, confuse, and educate us but that are not the core of our life. For instance, I am entertained by old sit coms. I enjoy spending the last hours of the day watching something that I don't have to think about. This is one border. Much of the philosophical thought of the day, or the political arena confuses me. I continue to deal with it but it does not disturb me to not have a firm grasp of the issues. It is a border and does not define who I am.

Then there is this cancer. It would be easy for it to move from the border of my life to the body if I let it. Frankly, that is a constant fight. Every time we start a new treatment, as we are now, the cancer seems to consume too much thought and time. It makes for an extra large border and skews the entire work.

I have started a new oral chemotherapy. It is easier, so far, than any of the others and we do not know the effectiveness yet. The side effect are fewer and include a sense of impatience or anxiety, more abdominal activity, slight fatigue and joint pain. Not really much to deal with but the sensations are new and the regimen requires planning each day so that meals correspond with the dosing.

When I concentrate on the borders, my life is out of balance. The "paper" does not look right. Central to the paper, the body of who I am and why I am here, is Jesus Christ. That must take center stage. How I live my life, what I talk about, how I schedule my days, who is important to me, depend on Christ and my relationship to Him. He is the body of me and yet He says that I am part of His body. Our relationship has to be that close to have things be right. If my relationship with Christ is wrong or ignored because of the cancer, than my relationship with my husband will be wrong or ignored because it is a reflection of my relationship with Christ. If my service to Christ is ignored because of the cancer, then any service that I perform seems askew because it is for me and not for Christ. To the world, it may not look different but I know who I am serving. To be self-serving is to live on the borders of my life.

This is a constant struggle. The borders of my life are always there and always pushing in. Entertainment, recreation, cancer, are all part my borders but they must remain the borders. As these gain strength the center of my life diminishes as does my joy and reason for life. For a paper with no body is a blank page. The borders have taken it all up. No one wants to read it. It is only a tool to be used for something else.

Please pray that both Lee and I can find that balance between the border and body of our lives. He is much better at it than I. This cancer can become consuming even in the best of times. Now, as the doctors' visits increase with new treatment and we adjust our lives to different patterns, we need to do that easily and keep it on the border. Our focus needs to stay on serving each other, since this is a way to serve Christ. We need to keep our ministries intact, as it is easy not to find the time to serve the Lord. Finally, we need to avoid isolating ourselves from others and become integral parts of the body of Christ.

Love Marj