Some memories never leave you and in fact seem to recolor the present in ways that may not be very accurate. While struggling with my fears, I suddenly remembered, that as a child of about five, I would sleep rather fitfully. Additionally, because I was always given hand-me-downs to wear, I would have pajamas that were too big and find myself either undressed or tied in my own clothing in the morning. It was about this time that my father would come into my bedroom at night and awaken me on a regular basis. It became a very troubling time. One night I awoke to find myself naked and afraid of my father’s impending visit. I got up and took everything I could find in the room and circled myself with all these objects so that my father could not get to me. I felt safe and fell asleep in the middle of the pile. My mother came into the room, saw the pile and woke me. On her direction, I put all the items back and lay down in the middle of my bed, clothed but feeling far more naked than before. She never knew of my father’s visits.
Today, I feel the same nakedness. In December we will visit City of Hope for the last chemotherapy. Then there is nothing but wait and see. The chemotherapy has been the pile of objects to keep me safe. It has been the defense against the spread of cancer. It could not visit as long as the therapy continued. The doctors are taking away my pile and I feel naked and left waiting for the cancer to visit again. It is so easy to feel like you are five again.
The difference, however, is that God knows about the visits of this cancer. He is not like my mother. He will not unwittingly leave me in danger. He knows if the cancer will go into remission or whether it will return. He knows now even though we have no clue. I must follow His direction. I must also understand that He will be the barrier for me if He sees fit. If He does not choose to stop this cancer then He will take me home where there is no cancer or bad memories to confuse the issue.
This kind of faith is difficult for one whose faith in parents was dashed so early. Trust comes hard and yet it is the only way I can find the hope that is promised. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by reading the word of God. To know and understand that God is not my parents means that I must stay in His word, trust His word and live His word. What seems like an easy time will not be easy but I think I am ready for it.
Marj
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