To my dear friends:
We are back home and have been for a few days. Thanks for all your prayers. The week went as well as I would expect. The second day, Tuesday, seemed most uncomfortable but by Wednesday morning my body had adapted and I was much better. Friday was the same amazingly uncomfortable time. The ride home is gentle and so I just walked in the door and went to bed. Seems like sleep is a great way to avoid pain. Saturday has to be a day to stay down. I did and that made Sunday much easier. If I could remember all this stuff the next time I could help both my physical and mental attitude, but alas, I don’t seem to recall the routine. Maybe I just shut it out.
I have noticed myself moving into another phase of thinking or being. I want to share it with you, hopefully to make sense of it for myself. I also think of each of you possibly having to go through something like this and wanting these letters to be helpful to you. I am sure that the things happening to me physically, emotionally and spiritually are not unique. I would hate to keep this all to myself and never help anyone.
I have noticed that Lee and I have shaved down our day to day activities to medical, ministry and chores. I don’t exactly know why. We are not thinking about vacations, events, holidays, or entertainment. I think part of the reason is the lack of time. The medical regimen demands far more than I like to give it. We must be down at City of Hope one week every month. The next week is trimmed greatly because of my pain and lack of endurance. We see doctors locally once every week, no matter how I am feeling. So the medical makes a big difference in what we do. We are both determined to not let Satan have our ministries. It would be so easy to just say, “Look guys, I don’t feel well, have someone else lead that ministry or do that Bible study, etc.” But God has sustained us and given us the strength we need to keep our ministries going. For that we are blessed. Since we are only home and well two of four weeks we work like mad during the two good weeks so we won’t feel bad when we go back to the hospital. So you can see why our life activity is pared down but somehow it is more than just logistics.
We could have a short timer’s attitude. Not wanting to plan anything that requires more work and not real sure what the future holds. We don’t talk about it often, but we really do not know if the Lord is going to heal me or not. If He chooses not to heal me then the time will be short and we have chosen the most important or immediate things to do. It really hasn’t been a conscious choice. I think that both Lee and I live our life as if we will see the Lord today. We both understand that there is no assurance of tomorrow and we both hope fervently that Christ will return very soon. Our fear in that is that our families and friends are not ready for His return but we are ready. Our prayer each day is to do God’s will and be witnesses of Him even in the mundane routine of life.
Some find this to be a morbid way of thinking, for we are told to concentrate on getting better, healing and being healed. I appreciate their concern and yet the one does not negate the other. I would like to be healed. Absolutely. I have a list as long as my arm of things that I want to do in ministry and with my husband. We have been married for almost 27 years and it feels like 3. We would both like to enjoy more time together as Christians and serving our local church. We enjoy visiting friends and minding the farm. Together our life is better than either apart could ever be. To spend many more years doing just that would be the blessing of a lifetime. But, as we live for eternity we must also live for the moment. An amusing mix that makes life interesting. The trick and the part that we are leaving behind, because the days are short, are the simple pleasures, short trips, and other frills of life. It’s not that I miss them but they do add color and I think it takes away from the scenery of life to leave them out. At this point, I see that we have little choice; we are as busy as busy can be, filled up to overflowing and fulfilled in most ways.
So, it is okay that we are living for today and not planning for the future. The future is here, now. God has given us this time to do His work. Let’s get about doing it.
Keep praying that He will keep me here as long as He chooses and that I will be able to serve Him all that time. Love to all of you. Know that I pray for each of you, especially when I get a letter from you and am reminded of your face and your heart.
Love
Marj
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