To my dear friends:
Well, I am home from the hospital and recovering from what the doctors termed, “a very major surgery and then sepsis that set in a few days later. I knew I was in trouble when I wanted to go back to the hospital. But in fact, the hospital was a friend to me and helped me heal more quickly. I am still out of spunk but I have had a little time at home and it looks good to me. In a week we will start intraperitoneal infusion chemotherapy. The chemo will be infused directly into my abdomen to kill any microscopic cancer possible. This chemo is supposed to be harder and more nauseating than the last. I’m not excited but as quickly as I can start the therapy the sooner it will be over. It is six treatments over 18 weeks. Each treatment will require an overnight hospital stay in City of Hope in Duarte.
That is the statistics of the last adventure but it is not the whole of it. I am now faced with a direct assault on my own mortality. It’s not that death is imminent but that it is sure. It is not sure that the cancer will kill me but right now it is the top of the possibilities. The surgeons expected to not find cancer on this exploratory surgery but it was very invasive and fully inside all of my lower pelvis. The doctors are great and they removed all that they could find but there are a thousand unanswered questions. The biggest is “why didn’t the first chemo stop this cancer; will the next effort stop it?” There is no answer other than that was not God’s plan. I don’t know if this second chemo is part of His plan either but I must have faith that it is.
Herein lies the battle that has been waging in my soul. What is God’s will and am I willing to follow it? His will will be done and it will be easier for me if I am smart enough to change my will to His. You see, I know that God loves me and I know that His will will bring me peace and contentment. I do not know if that is what He has in mind on this side of heaven. It will do me no good to fight or throw some temper tantrum because I may not have contentment on this side of the grave. I am reminded of Jim Elliot’s famous quote: “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose”. The man is talking about a heavenly vision. My head has this vision but it is sometimes hard to put my feet to it. God and I have talked a lot recently about this issue. I want Him to change my heart. I want to seek God’s will and find the peace that has been the hallmark of the last few years.
It is not that I am afraid to die, though I would prefer a quicker process than Cancer. It is that I am in love with the life He has given me. Never in my wildest dreams did I perceive the happiness that I have now. I am married to a wonderful, gentle man. His love for me was the key to my understanding the love of God. He is the joy of my life. I am also actively and fervently serving Christ in the local church body. These, to me, are the reasons I am on this earth and the joy of my days. And now, God has given me a time limit, of sorts, for the gifts He gave me and I, like a spoiled kid am asking to hold on longer. A gift does not have final ownership; it should be held for a while then given away. I still want to hold on. I am fighting with myself to let go of what I cannot keep for the things that are eternal. It is the concrete versus the abstract, faith verses knowledge, hope verses safety.
I will get to the place where I will give up my way of thinking because God has promised me that He is faithful and He will bend my will with His scripture and anything else He needs to use to get me where I am full of joy again. The fact is that my joy has not left me, just my focus. When I focus on the Cross of Christ and remember what He has done for me I see no purpose for a loss of joy. Christ died for me and paid the price for my sins. I will die as will all of us and you may even beat me to the grave. What’s the big deal about all this cancer stuff? Jesus has conquered anything cancer can do and He will be there to greet me the day my body leaves this earth.
Please pray, not only for my healing. I want to serve God on this earth for a while longer. Also pray that I will keep my focus on that cross and never lose sight of the love that God has displayed for me. You all make a difference in my life. I think of each of you often and pray for you. Without you, this would be a lonely fight. Thank you.
With all my love,
Marj
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