To my dear friends:
I awoke this morning with this song on my lips, "Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, then to trust and obey." Interesting song to be singing as I awoke. The night before, I asked God to help me not be to so sad. He gave me this song in the morning.
We are at transition time again. I have been on a chemotherapy holiday since September. During that time I have gained some strength, continue to lose weight and have seen the tumors grow from 10% in some to 50% in others. My blood is healthier than when we started and there is a sense that the bone marrow has begun to function again. It is tenuous however, for a kidney infection knocked the red blood count down from eleven to ten in two days. I recovered four tenths of that in the next three weeks. So, in many ways I am still vulnerable to the cancer and the effects of constant treatment.
The holiday, however, is over. We cannot, if possible, let these tumors continue to grow. Sometime in the next week, I will start another chemotherapy. I will take it for one week then be off it for six weeks. The idea is that the chemo will do the work, but not attack the blood as badly as the other chemos have. We will see. I have no idea of the side effects, or if it will work. Neither does anyone else but God. This I think is where the song comes in: Trust and Obey.
I asked my oncologist for a prognosis. Not in time but in progression: what is likely to happen. He had no answer for there is really no answer as to why I am where I am right now. Women, generally, do not survive ovarian cancer for five years. They don't run for 35 minutes three days a week, or do strength training. They don't serve the Lord in ministry four days a week. How can there be a prognosis for the anomaly? I understand his answer and I understand that the difference is God. Jesus has done all this. I am just a vessel. I can't put my hope or my plans in what the medical community has seen, Jesus has a plan and He will see it to completion. I do not know the how, why or when. I just need to know that Jesus is there.
The lack of an answer was Jesus' way of telling me to trust in Him. He knows the time and the progression. We are now looking at radiation for some of the tumors that cause the most pain. This is a new wrinkle and I will know more about it soon. Like surgery, radiation has always been ruled out because of the number of tumors and the damage that could be done to the colon and ureter. Things change and so, as you read this, those decisions are being re-evaluated.
The medical and spiritual parts of this cancer cannot be separated. I can see no way to do that. Every medical decision requires prayer and every day requires that I trust and obey. It is very easy to get sad. It would be exceedingly easy to become depressed, and on occasion, I have. God, however, has not ordained that, so I must look to Him to keep the sadness in check I should rejoice. This is a command. Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" Some would say that this says to rejoice in the Lord, not in the cancer but what is there that is not of the Lord. I don't understand why I need to rejoice in this cancer, but I know that I must obey, so I will rejoice.
Philippians also says in chapter 4 verse 6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Therefore, there is something else I need to do. I need to pray and ask the Lord to help me but I must also be thankful. Notice that it does not say be thankful for the good things in your life. It just says be thankful. In fact, there is a suggestion that what you pray about is also what you should be thankful for.
Obedience is not a simple task. Then again neither is trust, unless you put your trust in the right things. Most of the time our trust is wasted on things or people who cannot meet our needs. We build bank accounts that diminish to nothing in a few days of stock market chaos. We put our trust in someone we think we love only to find that they cannot meet our needs. So many ways we try to find happiness without making the simple decision to trust in Jesus Christ and obey what He tells us to do.
How do I do that? In my own strength, I cannot trust or obey Christ. He asks more of me than a mortal can give. "Be thankful for your cancer." "Smile and rejoice when all of you hurts". "Do not plan for tomorrow, today has enough trouble of its own." "Don't ask how many days you have left." "Don't mourn the loss of energy, power, and strength." How do I do that?
Today I was reading about the beginning of the friendship between God and Joshua. That might sound like a funny way of thinking about it but Joshua had always been a sidekick to Moses. He knew the power and might of God but they had not interacted. Now Moses is dead and Joshua will pick up the mantle. A huge mantle indeed. God tells him at least six times, maybe more, "be strong and courageous for I will never forsake you." Interesting that I would read this today. Be strong and courageous because you are not doing this by yourself. God, Jesus, will be right there. He is going through all this with me and He is not done yet. He will help me trust. He will demand that I obey in His strength. He will rejoice with me and He will see my thankfulness in what He has done. This is a trustworthy God.
I am again at peace. Many new things on the horizon. I don't expect that things will get easier. However, God is there and I can be strong and courageous. This I know for sure. For my God is bigger than any cancer or any treatment. Praise God.
All my love, Marj.
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