Dread - January 13, 2010

To my dear friends:

My elementary school years were a confusing time in my life. When I was alone or on the playground, I truly loved what I was doing. The out of doors became my friend and sports were beginning to look like my salvation. However, home was where I learned to dread.

My father was an alcoholic. He and I got along well but his alcoholism caused great strife for my mother who was trying to feed five kids. Many paydays he arrived without a paycheck, already drunk away at the local bar. This pressure on my mom made her violent, especially to me because I was my dad's sidekick and I would guess she also knew we were drinking buddies.

I learned early in my life to listen carefully before ever going in the house. If it was quiet, I would sneak in, go to my room, change, grab any books I needed for homework, and get out. I did most of my homework and thinking in the trees that surrounded our house. If there was strife in the house, I simply did not go in until dinner was on the table. If I carelessly missed those cues, I would end up beaten and belittled. This did not stop until the day my father killed himself. I was twelve. Then, for some reason, I knew everything would change. The dread left me. The anger took much longer.

Dread is an interesting emotion. I believe it consists of three parts. Knowledge of the same thing in the past, acceptance of the status quo of the present and fear of the future if it returns to the circumstances of the past.

Knowledge, you cannot dread something you know little about. Many believe that if you read about something or exhaust all information on a subject you will know enough to dread it. I don't think that is so. You may fear it, but because you have not lived it, you cannot dread it. To dread something is to live it in your heart and mind, even when it is not happening.

I had been beaten so many times that I could feel those beatings in my sleep. I suppose that if my mom knew what I was doing she could have justified many of them but they were just the relief of the tension from a scared and desperate woman. The child did not get that, but the adult does. In my mother's defense, she never laid a hand on me after my father died. At that point, I probably deserved it because I was angry. As a child however, the beatings were frightening and violent. At one point, I knew if I passed out, I would die. I did pass out; I was only half-right. That was the last time I let her near me.

Status quo, where you are right now. Because you are where you are, you know you can live with it. You may even be enjoying it. However, it feels tentative. What if the bad returns? It makes the good times short and extremely valuable. It is what can cause a "devil may care" attitude in many people. If I know the worst then I will live for the now. This is dangerous thinking.

There is another way of looking at the tenuousness of life. Use every minute of it while you have it. It may not last. Dread sits in the background of those of us who truly believe that the other shoe will fall. We do not live in fear as much as we live knowing the reality. In the knowing is the decision to complete what we can now. It is difficult to pace ourselves. It is difficult to give time for things to form, ideas to gel and people to get on board. I have lived both of these paradigms in my life. However, since I have become a Christian, Christ has allowed me to relax in His grace and live in peace.

Future, the third part of dread is what brings it to the forefront. When the past becomes the future. When you know that whatever good time you have been having will end. Even when it is not there yet. In fact, because it is not there yet, you have no grace and so your mind lives out the worst long before the situation arises. Once you get to the point of dealing with what you dread, the power is gone. It's like trying to catch a vapor.

As Christians, it seems like a sin to dread. Some say, "Just trust God." But that assumes that God is synonymous with Santa Claus. True, God will not give you more than you can handle, but He will also not protect you for the things you dread, they may be necessary for the purpose at hand. You are not given a "get out of jail free" card even if what you are dreading is not related to consequence of your action.

Lee and I have spent nearly five years fighting this cancer. It has not been fun, but as we have gone along the disease has gone from acute to chronic. Like many chronic diseases, it colors every day of your life but it doesn't really change what is going on. You learn to adjust and accept the good with the bad.

The cancer lies in the background with a quiet sense of dread. Benign, it does not rear its head because there is no reason for alarm unless there is a change. In September, we made a drastic change in the treatment of this disease. Because of the Chemotherapy, the tumors were diminishing and so was the health of my blood. My body was longer recovering from the chemo. I was existing on blood transfusions just to bring me to a level of anemia I could live with. I was extremely low on white blood cells so I was susceptible to disease. My platelets were very low which made my thorny household roses enemies instead of friends. Consequently, we stopped all chemotherapy; we went on a chemo holiday.

The holiday was important, since then my blood has finally gotten to normal levels. My bone marrow has proven that it can bounce back. I have become stronger, and finally began a regular exercise routine that makes me feel very good. Lee and I have enjoyed much more time talking and experiencing the things most people do without every conversation going to health issues.

About a week ago, a familiar pain began to surface in my body. One that is associated with tumor growth. Dread crept back into my thoughts. I knew the past of chemo, enjoyed the present health and realized that soon the future would again include chemotherapy.

It is a difficult time. I like the status quo and would like it to continue. I was hoping for at least one more month. One way to avoid dread is to get to the future quickly. "Okay, let's start the chemo now." This may not be the path the doctor wants to take, so I must wait and pray. This has been our constant action and it alleviates the dread for a while but does not stop the reoccurrence of it.

For us, dread can only come from what we have experienced and are now reliving for the future. I understand that I can be fearful of what I have not experienced but dread is deeper and exacting in its reenactment. I think of Jesus in Gethsemane. He was experiencing dread not fear. How can that be since He had never been to the cross? Jesus was all man and all God. He knew with every part of His body what He was facing. He had already in His "Godness" experienced the cross. Now in His humanness, He must live through the dread of the cross. Like any human, His greatest desire was to keep the status quo. But in reality, His greatest desire was to do the will of God. That will was to let Him go to the cross. How difficult that must have been for Him.

I can still decide to stay in the status quo. If I do, the consequences are certain, the tumors will grow. I will become sicker and the pain will increase. In reality, I have no choice. Jesus too, could have decided to remain in the status quo. The consequences would be a lost world and rejection of His own deity. That was impossible. He had no choice.

Dread, is looking at a future you don't want and waiting for it to happen. It also forgets the grace that was given in the past. This is where my focus must be. God has always covered my fears with grace, I do not think this will be different. I could not do this if I did not have a friend like Jesus who understands and forgives my forgetfulness of his graciousness.

What about you? Do you have the same friend? He's seen it all. He understands what you are going through. He loves you.

Please pray that this transition will be easier than I anticipate. Thank you,

All my love, Marj