To my dear friends:
During my motorcycle racing days, we had a race called a European Scrambles. It was an off road race on a set course, as most of our races were, but the course was shorter and you went around it between three and five times. I liked Scrambles because it kept riders closer to the pit area and you could actually see some action. I also enjoyed racing with people of the same caliber and bike size.
On a European Scrambles, you had a chance to improve your next few laps after you had seen the terrain. It made for training time. It also allowed you to go out to a particular area and watch other racers go through the same terrain and see how they did it during their races. Many times there would be one troublesome spot on the course that would cause you trouble. It could be a rock, a deep parallel rut, or a large prickly bush waiting to grab you. As you fought your way though that section you would mentally tell yourself not to go that way again. The next time you came around, lo and behold you were right in the middle of it again. It took me many races to realize that the reason for this phenomenon was that the lead into this area looked so good that it suckered you in. Maybe a half mile back, the trail would fork and pull you to one side or the other and soon you found yourself fighting the same terrain. In order to avoid this area you had to recognize the entry point. In a race, that is very hard to do. It is the difference between winners and crashers.
Lately, I have been on a scrambles of the mind and I have run into a very familiar and difficult section of terrain. I have been here before but I had not hit it quite as hard as I did this time. Usually I see the fork and choose the better path.
My obstacle is anger. I have dealt with it so many times in my life. Before I became a Christian, it was a badge for me. I believed that someone owed me something I had not gotten, and I was angry. I had a right to be angry and the world, which had not given me what it was supposed to, would pay, daily. When I became a Christian, God miraculously removed that anger. He showed me that I was owed nothing and it was by His favor that I even existed. The anger was gone. At that moment, I realized that my life existed by the grace of God and I deserved nothing but death and hell.
As many times as I have circled the course, I have found that occasionally I fall back on that old path. Recently that has been so. The question is not what is making me angry. For that, there are all sorts of things to which I can point. The cancer that is robbing me of my life, people who don't do things the way I would do them, politics, and the plight of humankind. These are the rocks. However, if I look carefully, those rocks have been there all along. They may be causing the anger, but they would just be scenic detours had I not got on the wrong path prior to that. They are not the cause of the anger. Recently, I crashed. I saw my anger for what it was in the pain I caused to another person; I was saddened by what I had done. I must go back to the decision to be angry and see from whence this comes.
So, in my mind I began to run the course again and see where I took the trail that led to this anger. That's not easy; there have been so many turns, choices and decisions. What is the root of this? Prayer seemed to be the only way to get to the fork. Is it important to know where the fork was, most definitely! If I do not know how I got on this trail, I cannot stop it and the next time someone else will be hurt.
As I began to pray and confess this sin, God began to surround me with the answer. He didn't speak directly to me but he spoke through circumstances. Sadly, those who should hold me accountable did not, they let me continue sinning, but it is possible that I was not ready to hear them. However, God loves me too much to wait for my readiness. He directed me to podcasts, radio programs, scripture, and quiet time. He also made me very uncomfortable in all settings. I could not worship, work, or serve with peace. I knew things had to change.
I believe, and I use that word because I have no proof, that the fork in the road was in my desire for glory or praise. Let me explain what I mean. I think that inbred in every person is the desire to be noticed; no one wants to be a cipher. However, when we do not keep that desire in check, it becomes obsessive.
I receive a lot of praise. People are always saying nice things to me. My husband loves me and always says nice things to me. My church family is made up of encouragers; they do not criticize, they build up. However nice this is, it is the fork. I have to choose to follow that to self-praise and glory or understand that God is responsible for who I am and give Him the glory. Somewhere along the way, I chose self-praise and glory.
I began to believe what people were saying. I became self-important. I started viewing people through critical eyes instead of the eyes of Christ. It was very subtle because this is not the part of the trail with the rocks. I felt like I was on the right path, it was going so well. Everything was smooth. Nevertheless, it led to hazard. I would speak of my anger and the cogent argument would convince me that I was on the right path.
When I got to that hazard and saw the trouble it was causing, I became angry. Why were people so much trouble? What was wrong with them? People I had known and loved for years were a problem for me. Some people I had not loved, but had at least gotten along with, were now a great stumbling block for me. Serving others became a problem. Worship was even more difficult. Faces would appear in front of me and block my ability to worship. I was in trouble. How do I get off this trail?
As I prayed to know what to do with my discontent, God showed me the arrogance of my anger. He ganged up on me with so much stuff that I could not ignore the problem. I would listen to podcasts about something very different and hear the words I needed to hear. I would read scripture passages that were not directed at anger; these passages would lead me to my problem. This verse continued to run through my thoughts: "Don't you know what the Scriptures mean when they say, 'Instead of offering sacrifices to me, I want you to be merciful to others?' If you knew what this means, you would not condemn these innocent disciples of mine." (Matt 12:7)
The question kept coming back. Whom are you trying to glorify? How can you stand before an almighty God and suggest that you have a right to anything? Confess your sin.
Therefore, what you have here is the confession of that sin. The sin of self-praise, pride. The choice to see myself as more than a creation of God. To choose to raise myself above God and lower Him. To some, this would not seem like a big thing. As a Christian, it is very important. I have been stifled in all that I choose to do for the Lord. I have not cared for others. I have not shared the Gospel. I have not served with joy. My desire has been to do it my way. This has not been a long course. A short lap of about 3 weeks but it has felt long and arduous. It has robbed me of the joy of many days without chemotherapy in which I should have felt great and been very happy but I took the wrong fork because it pleased me and not God.
I am starting around the course again. This time I am looking for the fork. My prayer is that when I see it this time, I will choose the better path not the path that looks good. Please pray for me. My battles are not just physical, neither are yours. We all need the prayers of each other. Thank you for yours. As I learn of yours, I will pray for you.
With all my love
Marj
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