The Wideness of God's Mercy - January 27, 2007

Hello to all of you. I am well, getting strong and doing the things that have been put off for so many months. I’ve been quiet the last few weeks but that is not a sign that I have been without thoughts. On Feb. 5 we go back to City of Hope to do a CT scan and then talk with the doctors about what the scan does or does not show and what we do next. For me, this meeting is a line of demarcation. It ends one process and begins another which may or may not be related to the first. This time last year, we were in the same place and quickly found that the cancer had continued to grow through the first round of chemo. We have no idea what has happened since the last surgery in May and the second round of chemo. The cancer could be gone, in remission or active. That lack of information is what forms the little nuances of my days and makes a simple thing like making an appointment to see the dentist difficult.

We are told in scripture that we do not know the days of our lives nor should we put faith in ourselves to make the next day come about. God does know the days of our lives and He has set in motion the plan for each of us. Where the rubber meets the road is in the realization that we do not know the time or the how of our return to the creator. I’ve been pondering this a lot lately. Since God knows when I am going to die then He also knows how. He knows whether this cancer will kill me or whether, like my mom, I will survive cancer only to die several years later of heart disease. We pray for a healing and yet He already knows if He will heal me, or already has healed me. But He also knew before hand of your prayers. He knew what I would need to make it through this season of my life. He knows what I will need in the future and already has it lined out for me, however it will unfold. It would be easy, and familiar, to become a fatalist in this situation. I’m going to die, I know that (unless Christ returns first) so quit the fight because God knows what He is going to do and He will do it. But, God did not create me that way. He also didn’t give me this cancer to cause me to roll up in a ball and quit. No, God knows what I will do and He knows what He will do. He also knows why He has done what He has done. Just because I don’t know any of these things does not mean that I should live as if I am a puppet. Though God holds the strings, He encourages me to experience the stage He has put me on with all my heart. He has something for me here that will last for eternity. He knows what it will take for me to get it. He knows my heart and my needs.

The greatest thing this journey has done for me is show me the enormity of God. When I think of Him as Creator, I can’t grasp it because I can’t think about universes. They are just too big. But I think of things like God killing all the firstborn of Egypt because of His love for a small tribe of Israelites and the mocking of Pharaoh. His love for a sparrow that He notices it’s fall to the ground. He’s compassion for Adam and Eve that He did not destroy them and start over, even their curse was kindness. Moreover, the love that it took to allow His Son to become an infant and grow in this world to die for our sins. This is not a distant God. This is a God full of love for the creation. This is a God with a wild abandonment when it comes to His people. He knows me far better than the sparrow. He talks to me more than He ever talked to Moses through His holy word. He cries when He sees my failures just as He mourned for Jerusalem. He forgives me and heals me just as He has done for every believer who has ever turned to Him and called Him Lord.

When I understand that I will not know when I am going to die nor how, then I begin to settle down. God has not told me because He wants me to become very involved in the process of living for Him. He wants me to see that today could be the last or the beginning of years. It doesn’t matter, I need to live each one as if it were the last and the beginning all at the same time. This brings me peace. God is orchestrating my life for His purpose. I will die at exactly when I am suppose to die and not one minute before. Until I do, I must give those minutes to God. When I do die, I will be ready because God promises to give me the grace that I will need, then, not now. This is a very good God.

Marj