To my dear friends:
I would have said, not too long ago, "there is little new that can be thrown at me that I have not experienced or with which I have not had some practice." After all, I am sixty, going on sixty-one, and have done many things. I have been depressed, deprived, dependent, delivered, decisive, divisive, and demanding. What's left? Well, I'll tell you, drained, and disoriented. So much goes into this state of being that I find that I have not written because I cannot explain myself and therefore you cannot pray well. I miss your prayers. I miss knowing about them. I miss our communication. Give me a few minutes and a little space and maybe I can explain me to all of us.
My mother was a strong woman. She survived breast cancer when the cures were very far from being a science. Her chances were about 10% but she didn't know that and just beat it. She was a little woman, like me. Alas, I am the spitt'n image of her. My mom had five kids she raised mostly on her own. When we walked with her, she would stop at every street corner, find our hand, and walk with us across the street. Her reach back for a hand was as automatic as our reach up for hers. It always reminded me of her love and care. Even in my thirties and forties, I would reach forward for my mom's hand.
I remember one day in my fifties. Mom and I went for a walk to get a Coney dog from the stand across from her apartment. As we reached the corner, I pushed the button and talked lightly with my mother. The "walk" began to flash. I reached out my hand and my mother reach forward to take mine. I realized in that instant that the roles had reversed forever. I was now leading my mother and she was graciously taking the role of follower and protected. She knew it was time and we had crossed the bridge together. It was a definitive moment.
I pray for the day when I will have that much grace, for truly, control is the issue that plays so heavily in my life today. I am taking a drug that inhibits the enzyme Aromatase, which is necessary to make the natural estrogen that might be left in my body. This was done because the cancer that has returned has always been much more vigorous in the presence of estrogen. By taking the Aromasin, we have removed any possible value the estrogen might have had. Effectively removing all trace of estrogen has left me in a rather emotionally unstable place. I can be fine for many days and then irritable, angry, confused and upset for a day then relaxed the next. It seems like a small price to pay to stay alive, and I certainly see it that way, but there are still consequences and changes that must be faced in the light of this new development.
I watched my mother graciously give up control. I don't know if it was an internal battle for her, but it did not seem like it on the outside. She took my hand. She relinquished the keys to her car, and asked my sister to help her get groceries. She looked at the skills she had left and determined what she would do now. Since she was ambulatory, she became the "check up" person in her building, making sure that each person on her floor was well and up each day. She worked on hand crafts and became the toughest bingo player in her building. She adapted, changed, and lived with a twinkle in her eye.
Surrendering control is the major issue. I know that I do not have the emotional strength to do all that I have done for so many years. In the past, when I was having surgeries, I could make quick, rational, decisions without the tyranny of emotion. Pain was not a controlling factor. With or without pain, I was still the same. Now I find that emotions take all my energy to control or express. I do not desire to control. I have to find ways to serve without controlling. I have been a leader so long that it just naturally falls out of me. It is expected of me to enter a room of chaos and slowly and carefully bring it back into control, even if I am not in charge. I may even be able to convince the leader that he or she did it.
However, with leadership comes responsibility and eventually conflict. If you are leading one person, the conflict is between the two of you. If you are leading more, the conflict comes between them, which is your responsibility to manage. It must be done with love and grace but firmly. Presently, I can only express fear, disappointment, and personal hurt when confronted with chaos. That is control by emotional tyranny. Asking people to follow the rules just because my feelings are hurt is an old trick of many Bible characters. Phrases like "did you bring us out of Egypt just so we would die in the desert?", "the woman You gave me", and "the serpent deceived me", are words God fearing people use to shift the blame to whomever they please and proclaim their offendedness as proper reasoning for sin. I do not want to be this kind of person. I love the people I work with and do not desire to do this to them. My mother's grace to change herself is my desire.
It could be that this extra emoting is a diversion from the obvious factor that this cancer is only curable through the benevolent grace of a loving God. Having to wait and do nothing but allow God to choose where the cancer will be, how it will grow, and when He will heal me, is an enlightening experience. I realize that our options are few. Most of the options either work very slowly or not at all in many people. That does not mean that I would rule out God's divine intervention. What appears to be a long shot in medicine is an easy thing for God. Cancer is not a threat to God, nor is death. The healing will happen, when I do not know. I have absolutely no control over my own healing. It is in God's hands.
This is the biggest stumbling block in my life, I have no control. I must ask God to take care of it, and wait. I can't give Him parameters, direction, or logic. I must just ask, plead, and live a life that is assured that He has heard. Yet I know, that even in hearing, God may not choose to heal me on earth. I want to negotiate that with Him. I want to have a say in my destiny. I understand that for God this is a small step in an eternal life, but for me, it is huge. I love this world and I love my husband. I want to be healed here. I want control. I want to make this an emotional issue so that I can get riled up and convince God of the need I have to stay around earth a little longer. But He won't have it. His mind is made up and I cannot find the chapter and verse that tells me what He has decided. But I know His love and have felt His grace. I trust His hand to lead me across the street.
He's been reaching out for a long time and I have been running in circles waiting for the "walk" light so I could sprint across. The light won't change until He has my hand. Then together we will cross the Jordan.
I am at peace with this. I see my life settling down. Estrogen is overrated. God's grace is over all. He is my rock. Thank you for your prayers. May the love of Jesus be part of every day in your life here, so that you will be prepared to meet Him in the sky.
With all my love, Marj
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