To my dear friends:
The visual image has always been a fascination for me. I was most enamored by the Polaroid Land Camera. It was the year of my senior prom that this camera became affordable by the middle class of America. The Polaroid, for those of you from later generations, was a camera that took pictures then developed the film by crushing layers of chemical as the film was pulled through rollers. You could watch the picture form in minutes as the chemicals worked. In time, the film developed to be as rich in color and accuracy as any film. The camera has become passé with the advent of one-hour photo and digital cameras.
What I liked about the Polaroid was the ability to see the picture so quickly. My landlady had just bought one and took pictures of my date and me before the prom. We looked at those pictures all the way to the prom and showed them to others while we were there. Though there had been no change from the earlier hours, it just seemed like we were looking back at a special time. So we would remember. I, the tomboy, in a beautiful gown and my date, the proverbial folksinger, in a well tailored tuxedo. Nothing either of us expected. The Polaroid saved that image until it burned into our memories. It was priceless. By the time we returned home, the tomboy and the folksinger had returned in form also. Only the picture would prove our potential.
I look back on so many pictures. Usually they are not of me because I am behind the lens but I remember the photo and where I have been. God, however, has been putting pictures of me in my head for a very long time, and sometimes, He opens the albums and shows me His handy work. His pictures are vivid reminders of His love and care.
My early years' album includes both the tender and fearful times. There is one when I could put my whole arm inside my father's hand and I relished in his bigness. As Pneumonia overtook my body, I lay looking at my parents' fear as fever took every ounce of my strength for many days. My father laying hot bricks at my feet as the fever turned to chills, my mother lying with me to warm my little body. I recall visions of ambulances and the penetrating cry of my mother at the word of my father's suicide. Quietly sitting alone in the garage on the fender of the last car he worked on, mourning his loss. As an athlete, winning in Softball, Volleyball, Basketball, and any other sport that came along only to feel empty when it was done. The quiet beauty of sitting at the top of the biggest tree in the valley for hours. Running through the grass until I could run no longer then fall on my back to breathe in the freshness of the soil and sod through heaving lungs.
My awakening years is a much more volatile album. Walking out of my home at sixteen to start a life of my own, alone, angry but confident of success. Simple stages: Walking back at twenty-five, successful, satisfied, but still angry; Hugging a child, who for the first time, felt the joy of just being cared for; Raising my fist in frustration as I screamed at my long dead father for missing my life.
The sweetest album has been my learning to walk with Jesus. It opens with getting married in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night, to a man who loved me like Jesus. Later, standing before the cross of Jesus Christ and letting go of all I am for all He is. Then walking out of a church leaving my anger lying in the middle of the altar never to return to me.
The deepest album is this current one, one in which God has deepened my relationship with Christ beyond any I could have imagined. I would call it cancer but the truth is the cancer is only a catalyst for the relationship to be experienced. Therefore, I will call this album "love". It opens watching the last breaths of my sister as she lay dying from the ravages of ovarian cancer. Then walking across the grounds of the hospital and thanking God for loving her enough to take her home. The heady joy of dancing with Jesus as my husband embraced the same loving Christ that I had known for 10 years. Praying with my mother the night before she died that her wish to be with Jesus would be realized that night. Recalling my diagnosis of ovarian cancer at the age of fifty-eight. Then finding joy in a year of healing in my sixtieth year. The most recent picture; a rejoining the fight as the cancer returns.
So many pictures. God reminds me of them every time I read the beginning of Joshua. God gives Joshua a word picture of His faithfulness. He tells Joshua many times to be "strong and courageous." However, it is not a hollow set of words. He shows him in word pictures how He has been faithful to Joshua. He promises to "never leave him or forsake him". Joshua can believe it because God never has left or forsaken him. In the forty years that Joshua has been wandering with the Israelites he has remained strong and become a wise leader. He will lead the Israelites into the Promised Land. Moses cannot. Joshua's album will be completed. He has many pictures to look back on and know the promises of God are true.
I can say no less. Even when I did not know Him, He was there. I can count at least five times that I was miraculously saved from death. Yet, every day we are saved from death. Every day the sun rises and we begin again: A day to live for God or live for ourselves.
The album of my healing, though thin, is the newest of the albums. It is full of pictures of joy; birthday parties not expected, planting new trees for the future, and enjoying the days with my husband, all part of a grander theme to stay here for a while. Though God was there, He was not all encompassing. I needed to stretch and be wholly human for just a while. God knew it and He willingly gave me freedom from my intensity, knowing I would never be far from Him. Had He chosen to extend that freedom I would have stayed close to Him but on a much gentler road. With one simple CT scan, the road became straight, rocky, and complex. Fully and completely, I watched God for His every move. I wanted to know His heart, His desire, and His goal. And He said, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:8
I cannot say to you that I was happy when the picture of new cancer was revealed to me. To go back and do chemo again was a big decision. You may not think so. After all, the other option is death. Well, death means life eternal, beside the Lord that I love. Is it wise to prolong this life on earth to the extent that we protract the time to heaven? I do not know. Heaven is eternal and there is no time so maybe God has built into us a need to spend as much time here, it is the only place we can spend it. Have I done all that I need to do here? If not, maybe being healed is not a necessary condition.
Oh how I love this God. I pray that you love Him too. There are many great photographs in a life with Jesus Christ. What does your album look like? Give Him the praise. Thank you for your prayers for me. They are the work of Christ in you for me and I covet them always. I pray for you many times and will pray specifically if you will tell me your needs. I am presently in my third round of chemo. In this first set, the side effects seem to be tolerable, simple headaches, body aches, a deep thrombosis in the colon and wakefulness. Initial nausea medication is working well and not an issue after treatment. I will have nine days of chemo every three weeks for six cycles. Because many of the tumors are visible under my skin, we can watch for the effectiveness of treatment. If the tumors decrease in size then we will continue for the full run. If we see no progress in the next few rounds then we will look for other options. Please pray for success.
Thank you so much. Marj.
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