Mourning the Status Quo - April 2, 2009

To my dear friends:

Four years ago, when Lee and I first found out about my diagnosis of ovarian cancer, we drove home quietly, each in our own worlds. When we got out of the car, we met in the driveway, held each other, and cried. The only words from either of us were, "I'm sorry" and "I love you." We stayed there for quite a while then finally went into the house to start a new life.

I think the first sensation of this situation would be, of course you would cry. You've been told that you have a fatal disease and that you will die. I suppose there was some of that in those tears but that is not what was happening. We were mourning the status quo. We understood that from this time on, things would be different. We would not have the control or the hope that had shaped our marriage from the beginning. Thankfully, the only thing we knew that would stay stable was our faith in God and our love for each other. We were wrong there also.

We had been married for twenty-six years. Both of us had careers where we worked in middle management positions most of the time. We could control people, events, and finances very well. We were both Christians and loved each other. We were now retired, making our own decisions, living in the "last" house we would live in and developing the kinds of goals that fit our beliefs.

How would this cancer affect that life? We decided not to let it. We would see the doctors, make the decisions we were supposed to make but we would not let it change our status quo. Very quickly, we saw the enormity of the problems and the foolishness of our resolve. We were frustrated with the loss of time, health and the demands this disease imposed.

Our only answer was to pray. This was our only focused action. As we searched for answers, God asked us some deep questions. Did we have the faith to take the changes in stride? Would we stop trying to control our lives and let God have control? Would we look at the blessings that God had for us if we stopped fighting the life He had put before us?

Did we have the faith to take the changes in stride? In the beginning, no. In fact, now it still takes a little work but not as much. I have had twelve surgeries and five different chemotherapies. Each step has meant an adjustment. Some have been good, like reducing the tumors. Some have been difficult, like an allergic reaction that left me in the hospital for a month. I remember that while we were in the hospital for so long, Lee was reading to me from I Kings. We had been fighting to get me well enough to go home and it seemed like nothing was working. I could not even read for myself anymore. As Lee read to me, he came across the phrase "the battle belongs to the Lord." We looked at each other and began to weep, and then we prayed. We were trying to fight the Lord's battle. We backed out and let Him do His work. In six days, I left the hospital. Healing had begun.

Letting God control our lives and waiting for Him to make the decisions has been a difficult growth spurt for us but we have seen great gain. Decisions are easier to make. We trust our doctors and nurses, knowing that God has miraculously placed them in our lives. We no longer ask God why I have not been healed but instead, continue to ask Him for the mercy of His healing daily. We see that He has done that.

We will not see every blessing this cancer has brought in our life until we are both in heaven but many can be seen now. We have learned to love each other deeply. Small, petty issues are not worth our time. We still see time as short so we do what means the most to us. We have learned to hope for the future but not to plan for it. The phrase "I will never be the same, again" is not a bad thing. We intend not to look back but to pursue the future. God has given us more years than was ever expected.

All of us should live our lives with the understanding that each day is a gift. Each new situation is a chance to make something better. We are learning and growing in all that we do. As our faith builds, the next step is not so scary; we do not mourn the status quo as often. We accept the will that God has for our lives. After all, He does know what is best for us.

Thank you for your prayers, continue to let me know how I can pray for you.

With all my love, Marj.