To My Dear Friends:
Have you ever tried to stand in a canoe? The first rule is "don't stand in a canoe." Sometimes, however, you have to stand, if you are getting on a dock or entering from a higher place. I like canoes, they are not at all forgiving, but if you treat them right they are very good at what they do; sitting in the water without getting wet.
If you have to stand in a canoe, the first thing you must do is step in the center. It is also a good idea to hold on to something steady while doing so. The next thing you should do is sit down quickly in the center of the seat. That takes planning so that as soon as your feet plant you are ready to plant your own seat. If you are getting out of the canoe to a higher level, the action is reversed; stand in the center, grab hold of something stable and get out.
There are times when it seems right to stand in a canoe when you don't have to. These are usually times when you get wet. I've been known to stand to get someone's attention, reel in a fish, or watch a great dive from the tall rocks. I can now say that it is possible to stand but to do so you must remain centered and not try to compensate for movement. If you try to compensate you, start the canoe rocking then the next compensation rocks it further and so on until you are in the water.
All, in all, you must understand that to canoe is to get wet. Once you have handled that thinking then you are fine. Put all your gear in waterproof bags, wear clothes that dry out quickly, make sure your keys will float and accept it.
This cancer journey is a lot like canoeing. You will get wet but you can keep it to a minimum by keeping low and keeping your balance.
What I mean by getting wet is drenched in self-pity, fear, and futility. It's not that hard to do and will happen to the best of us because each of these is the result of losing our balance.
The other day, a friend of mine died. He did not have cancer, but his wife does. We had talked about him connecting with Lee, my husband so, that as caregivers, they could help each other stay focused. In some way, our lives were mirroring each other. When my friend died, it left his wife without the caregiver, support, and joy that she so desperately needs. Splash! I was wet with fear. What if I lost Lee? We have assumed that this cancer would take me home first, but we also know there are no guarantees. I will miss my friend but I know he is in heaven. My sorrow was for his wife and my fear was for myself even though nothing had happened to me. I over compensated and my canoe tipped over.
The last time we went to the oncologist, I was feeling well. The blood work showed that red and white blood cells were dying quickly. As soon as we returned home, I started to feel poorly. After a couple of days I was depressed and decided that the chemotherapy was robbing me of energy which would mean that soon I would have to quit this treatment and let the tumors grow again until we found another treatment to stop the growth. The following day it all emerged as a cold which simply ran its course and died off. I will have to face the dilemma of becoming toxic to the chemotherapy soon but now was not the time. Splash! I was wet with self-pity. Things have cleared a bit and I feel better. I'm all dried out. Things are fine.
Then we doubled the chemotherapy. Nightly diarrhea returned to haunt me. I had had a great month without this problem and was able to do evening ministries, like choir and visitations. Now I was held in bondage to the house each night. I could see no end in sight and felt that I had let everybody down. Splash! Back into the sea of anxiety. How can I meet my obligations? Who can do this for me? Why am I blocked from ministries?
Since then I have gotten a lot more control of my body but still have trouble trusting it nightly. Other people have pitched in and helped with ministries. I have several that I can do from home and during the day. Maybe, I don't need to be out all those nights. It is nice to be home with my husband.
The center of the canoe is Jesus. I must set myself firmly in Him. If you don't know Him, you can't understand what that means. Daily, I have to read my Bible and pray. I have to talk to Him while I drive and work. He reminds me of how much He has blessed me. The nurses at City of Hope are amazed that I still maintain a job. I never thought of quitting, at least not yet. God has maintained my health during the day so that I can do the work for the church without problems. I have to dry out by going back to the Bible and seeing what God has done. How He has blessed me with eternal life. How I have a friend that never stops loving me even if I am alone. How He will provide ministries for me if He takes away the ones I am doing now. I need to plant my feet then sit down as soon as possible and let scripture and the faithfulness of God settle the canoe.
I say that like it is easy but it's not, the canoe tips to one side then the other. My focus is on the water, in this case the cancer. I react to bring it back and it tips more. My mind is saying sit down, but my feet are wrestling to stay dry. It does not seem to matter if I have been wet before or successfully sat down before. Each time is a new trial and I must decide again. What does matter is that I have never left the source of tranquility. I have little to do to gain it back. I just need to sit. Jesus is there. He will provide the peace, assurance, and strength I need.
What about you? Is your canoe ready to flip? Has it already flipped? Do you know how to dry out? Do you know how to sit in the middle of God's presence? I hope that you do. If you do not, then please find someone to help. God loves us all very much and He wants us to be dry and stable. Don't live in the water.
Thank you for your prayers. I hear from many of you and I know that you are praying for a healing in me. Please know that there have been many healings of my heart. Even my body is doing better than anyone expected. That is because you have prayed. Keep it up. Jesus is not done with me yet. Of this, I am sure.
Love, Marj.
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