Tearing Down Barns - December 21, 2008

To my Dear Friends:

I have a friend that is retiring this Friday. Somehow, even though I am glad for her, it makes me sad. I think it is because I will probably never see her again. Our lives have mixed because of work and even though I am already retired, I know where to find her and feel a connection to her. When she retires, I feel like she will be out of my life forever. That is the natural scheme of things, but I miss her already.

Things ending always mean a change in relationships. In that change, there are always good things and bad. The loss of ones you love, but the room to make new ones. As I look back, I have never lost the influence of any of the people close to me even though I have lost the closeness, or complete contact.

God has used each significant person in my life, to make me into who I am now. Those people, however, do not have to be in my life now to continue to enrich it. Like my friend that is retiring, her influence on me is still valued because of what we learned together, talked about and experienced through the years we were close to one another. That will never change.
As we age, it is easier to understand this phenomenon and to accept the changes as they come, knowing there is a blessing in there somewhere.

For the first time in our life, Lee and I are living without a future. This is a huge change for us.
We are goal-oriented people; we plan our days, weeks, months and years. We buy, build, invest, and save for the long haul. We buy clothes and cars to last and figure we will die in this house. It's not that we are afraid of change; we just haven't assumed change would happen, so we invest in the status quo. Now things are different.

I am living with more than a dozen tumors in my abdomen and innumerable microscopic cancer cells. There is no telling what the future holds. They may stay in a symbiotic relationship for a long time or choose to invade an organ at any time.
In Luke 12, Jesus tells a story of a farmer who has an extraordinary crop. In his revelry he decides to build more barns, store all his grain and enjoy the rest of his life. Jesus admonishes him as a fool. He notes that the rich farmer will lose his life that night and never enjoy the riches he has gained.

I've always wondered about this story because there is nothing in scripture that suggests that you should squander your money. The farmer seemed to be doing what we all would do. Take the plenty and invest it for the future. What's wrong with this? Only Jesus knew he would die that night. However, I think I am beginning to get it.
The farmer's concern was not that he built the barns but that he chose to quit working. God has something for us to do all the time we are here on the earth. It may not be for the future, it may just be for now.

That is where Lee and I are. We have always worked for the now, but built for the future. Now we are learning to work for the now. We work because there is work to be done. It also means that we cannot hold on too tightly. Why keep something that is not being used? Why save every nickel when you know there are people, right now, that can use it? Most importantly, it means spending our time doing the work of the Lord. There is no such thing as retirement from doing the work of the Lord.

So many times, the treatment of this cancer gets in the way of serving. Having to drive 100miles to the City of Hope, not feeling well in the evenings and missing meetings, choir, or other ministries, I have questioned why God has taken my ability to minister away just as things were beginning to blossom. His answer has been to redirect me to ministries that I can do. Some from home, some in the mornings, others at opportune times. I am not at a loss for things to do and that keeps me very happy.

I think the most important aspect of all this has been my focus on going home. Three years ago, I would be angry with all the issues in this letter. I would feel boxed in, frustrated and frightened about the loss. God has taken me to a place where the world is not so important. The people are still very important, but things are not. I was thinking about the "Make a Wish" program that ensures that people get to do the one thing they always dreamed of but never got to do before they die. I thought of the things I've always dreamed of doing: climb Mt. Whitney, walk the entire Pacific Crest Trail, see all the National Parks in America, visit every state, walk across America and walk the Appalachian trail. These still come to mind every time I dream, but you know what; they aren't important. I'd rather be in church on Sunday morning, have lunch with a friend, sit with my husband, tutor a kid, sing in the choir, or write these letters. Life is not about fulfilling my dreams; it's about fulfilling other's dreams. In my life, I have been able to do that countless times. What a blessing!

God keeps putting people in my life who need Jesus, or need to talk, want to learn, or just cry. My life is rich and full, but I don't need to hold on to it. I can't store it and then celebrate. I have to keep going until God calls me home.

I'm ready. It's not giving up, it's accepting. It's knowing that unless Jesus comes soon, He and I will meet before many others that I love. It means being excited about today and not anxious for tomorrow. Loving becomes immediate and true; there is no time to do it later.
And what if God heals me? Then I will have a lot of time to live my life the way God has taught me. That will be excellent.

Thank you for your prayers for they have been the reason for the changes in me. It may not have been what you prayed for, but as you prayed for healing, my heart was healed. Continue to pray for both the healing of my heart and my body. I would like to do God's work until He returns.

With all my love,
Marj